Janine: (Exhales sharply)
Jacob: (Whistles) Wow. You are staring very intensely at your phone.
Janine: Yeah.
Jacob: Don't listen to what the eighth graders say about the way you dress. You are making a fashion statement.
Janine: What? Oh, no. I'm preparing to do a FaceTime call with my sister. It's her birthday.
Jacob: Oh, my gosh. Can I finally meet her?
Janine: Yeah, s-sure, but just a warning... She can be really intense.
Jacob: Really? Like, how so?
Janine: I don't know. She's just, like, over the top. Like, kind of no self-awareness, just really nosy. She's just a lot.
Jacob: Got it. Well, thanks for the warning. (Fingers snap) Time to meet your sister from another mister.
Janine: Okay. (Sighs) Alright.
(FaceTime ringing) (Ding)
Janine: Hey.
Ayesha: Hey.
Janine: Hey. Happy birthday.
Jacob: Happy birthday, Ayesha!
Janine: That's my friend, Jacob.
Jacob: Great to meet you!
Ayesha: Yeah, nice to meet you, too.
Janine: (Laughs) I'm sorry. I should've turned the volume down. Her voice... It just carries, you know? So, any fun plans?
Ayesha: Uh, yeah, I might go out with some friends. They just got married, so...
Janine: (Chuckles) Ooh. TMI. You know? It's like, "Why are you telling me all of this? I am not your therapist." (Sighs) Well, you know what? I hope you have a good one.
Ayesha: Yeah. Uh, thanks for calling.
Janine: Yeah. Okay.
Ayesha: Bye.
Janine: Bye. Bye. Oh, my God. She is impossible to get off the phone with. Every call is like the length between Netflix seasons. It's like... I don't remember what happened on the last season of "Stranger Things." That was 10 years ago.
Jacob: Yeah. I-I don't know. I think she seemed nice. I could see us really, you know, hitting it off.
Janine: And she just holds you captive and she won't let you get away and she just goes on and on and on. And right when you think it's over, she just keeps going. You know? And I have a story for you. You might want to sit down, 'cause this one has a lot of turns. So...
(Maker's "Hold'em" playing)
♪♪
Jacob: And then Zach brought me breakfast in bed, which is something I only thought happened in movies. And that led to some other stuff that happens in, you know, other kind of movies. All I'm saying is my relaysh is sensaysh. That means my relationship is sensational.
Melissa: Well, Gary hasn't made any plans that I know of yet. So just in case he turns out to be a total gavone, I called Barclay Prime and made a backup rez.
Jacob: Rez...
Barbara: Zervation. I know how abbreviations work... Mr. C. Hmm. Gerald and I have been so preoccupied, we forgot it was Valentine's Day. Didn't make a reservation. Now everything is booked up. Girl, we're gonna end up going to Popeyes.
Jacob: You should try airport restaurants. Yeah, people don't realize that you can make a reservation there. It's like the best-kept secret in the city.
Mr. Johnson: That's true, and Airport Chickie N' Pete's has the best lobster roll in Philly. You can quote me on that.
Barbara: Gregory.
Gregory: Hmm?
Barbara: So, how's your... relaysh going with your student's parent?
Gregory: Worst possible way to phrase that. Former student's parent. And it's going well.
It's me and Amber's first Valentine's Day, so I want to get it right.
Bought three gifts, and I'm still trying to decide which two to send back.
Jacob: Oh. Ooh, nail biter. Well, I do fancy myself quite the gift-giver, so if you need help kinda...
Gregory: No.
Janine: (Singsong voice) Hello, everyone! (Normal voice) So, I found this Valentine in my mailbox, and it's from "a secret admirer." Candy heart with my name on it. Is this from one of you guys?
(to camera) My Valentine's Day plans? Well, Mo is coming by after school with a surprise gift. So I have no idea what to expect since I don't know him that well, but based on what I do know, he has easy access to shipping materials. And I always need tape, so...
Ava: Aww. Happy Valentine's Day to you, too, Iggy. Yeah, you might see me tonight. I already have car insurance! Hey, Tristan.
(to camera) Tristan's a hot dad in the 91st percentile of hot dads. He's got a kid in Jacob's class, and he's handsome. He looks like men do before they have kids.
Tristan: I'm here to complain.
Ava: Oh. Please continue.
Tristan: I take umbrage with the fact that Mr. Hill, a white teacher, is teaching Black history to my son and other students during Black History Month.
Ava: Okay, Mr. Umbrage. What do you want me to do about it?
Tristan: You could have a Black teacher teaching it.
Ava: Or we could keep having Mr. Hill teach it, because if you think about it, underpaying a white teacher to teach Black history is almost reparation. Fine. Well, I can't do anything until I observe for myself. Never heard you utter a word. Now you bust out "umbrage." (Scoffs)
Donnie: Miss Teagues?
Janine: Yes?
Donnie: Did you get my valentine? The heart candy?
Janine: Oh. Yes. Yes. Um, the one in my mailbox. Yes, I did get your valentine. Thank you, Donnie. That was very, very kind of you. What if you made another valentine and you gave it to someone in your desk pod?
Donnie: Eh. They're girls. I need a woman.
Janine: (to camera) So, this happens from time to time. Students form a real bond with teachers, which is understandable, but sometimes it gets confused and turns into a little crush. Plus, I look like a giant kid, so they get confused even more.
Ava: Internet sucks today, right? (Laughs) Not one scandal? Do better, Twitter.
(Marker squeaking)
You teenagers today are so boring paying all that attention.
Jacob: Class, if you are wondering why Principal Coleman is sitting in today, fret not. It's just a standard, run-of-the-mill classroom observation. There's absolutely... nothing to worry about.
(to camera) I'm a little worried. This is very un-standard and out-of-the-mill for Ava.
We all know how we have been taught to think about Martin Luther King Jr. And Malcolm X, but they were actually much more similar in their philosophies by the end of their lives than they were at the beginning.
Student 1: Yeah, I mean, people said they didn't get along, but that's not true.
Jacob: Talk about it. Anybody else know anything about their real relationship?
Paul: They almost swapped philosophies towards the end.
Ava: Oh, for real?
Paul: For real. White people wanted to pit them against each other.
Jacob: That is right, Paul. See, history is constantly being rewritten.
(Phone locks)
That is why you need to question everything, okay? You should even question me, a white teacher.
(Students murmur)
Janine: Okay. (Clears throat) Did I black out and rearrange my desk again?
(Rhythmic knocking on door)
Donnie: I saved this for you.
Janine: Oh...
Donnie: Extra napkins are in the top left drawer.
Janine: Uh... Excuse me, Donnie. Did you straighten up my desk?
Donnie: I did. I see a real future with us.
Barbara: So, I made reservations at the airport Cibo Bistro. Got us a table right by the window so we could see the planes take off. Yeah. Gerald loves to see them go.
Melissa: Well, I still have no word from Gary. I swear, if I find out he is dipping his chip into someone else's dip, it'll be the last time he sells chips.
Barbara: He will come through.
Melissa: Oh, he better, or I'm pulling the plug on him like we did my Aunt Denise, and that sure woke her up, so maybe it'll make Gary come around.
Barbara: Well, girl, I'll see you later. I've got to go look into the TSA airport check-in thing.
Melissa: Well, you know you have to buy a ticket to get through airport security, right?
Barbara: Wait. What... Ooh! I have been cruises only for the past two decades.
Melissa: That's why I told you.
Barbara: Now I'm back to square one.
Melissa: Ooh! Sorry.
Janine: Hey, Melissa? Hey.
Melissa: Yeah.
Janine: Can I get your help with something?
Melissa: Yeah.
Janine: Okay, so, I have this kid Donnie, and he has a little crush on me. I thought it would blow over, but he just won't let up. I mean, he's always going out of his way to try to impress me and, like, fixing stuff up in my classroom. And I don't even know. He's, like, sometimes just staring at me. You know what I mean? And to get my attention, he does this little knock thing. Eh, I don't know. I mean, I thought... I thought it was nothing at first, but now I think he might have actual feelings for me.
Melissa: Yeah, no. That's just... That's puppy love, Dolittle. It'll pass.
Jacob: Look, I-I do not think that it'll pass, and I am so glad you finally know that he likes you!
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Jacob: Yeah, I mean, it's pretty obvious at this point. Ohh! I am so relieved! I thought I was the only one who knew, and I really wanted to tell you, but I couldn't because, you know, he's my friend, too, and bro code.
Janine: Wow. Didn't know you two were tight like that.
Jacob: I mean, we're only best friends.
Janine: What?
Jacob: When he bought all that candy, that's when I put the pieces together.
Janine: What do you mean "bought all that candy"? It was just one little heart candy.
Jacob: No! Remember? Gregory bought like so much candy.
Janine: Gregory?
Jacob: Yeah.
Janine: I was talking about Donnie in my class.
Jacob: Yes. Yeah. So was I. Donnie. Donald. Yeah. Um, I actually think I'm... I am really late for a meeting with...
Janine: No, no. No, no, no. You're lying. You... You said Gregory. Like, our Gregory? The school's Gregory?
Jacob: I don't... You know what? Actually, I don't even know anymore. I forgot. Um...
Janine: Gregory likes me?
Jacob: Which you totally already knew, right?
Janine: So, Gregory told you this?
Jacob: Not exactly, but when I called him on it and said, "Do you have feelings for Janine?" he, like, didn't answer.
Janine: Oh, God. That could mean anything. Or nothing, really.
Jacob: But it's also the way he pays attention to you. He knows all of your interests. He's always around you.
Janine: Oh, Jacob, we work together!
Jacob: And what about the dancing at the club I wasn't invited to.
Janine: That... See, that... That was, uh... That was nothing. And, uh, it was fun. It was just fun.
Jacob: Yeah, well, not to brag, but I think I know something about crushes. I wrote a 14-page research paper in college about the psychological effects of longing for someone and not acting on it.
Janine: Gregory does not like me like that, okay? We are just friends. He has a girlfriend, Amber, who is so different from me. I mean, honestly. Could not be more different. Gregory doesn't like me.
(to camera) Gregory... liking me? That cannot be true. It has to be another one of Jacob's theories, like the one he has about all the teachers here disliking him, which is false. Only a handful of them do. Say, like, 30% to 60%.
Jacob: Unlike Phase One Tony Stark, Malcolm X and Martin Luther King were both anti-capitalists.
Student: You seem a little shaky, Mr. Hill. Are you good?
Jacob: Oh, yeah. I'm good. I am... totally fine.
(to camera) Ava has been in my last three classes, okay? Either this is some time-intensive prank, or I am getting fired... for teaching Black history. (Scoffs) I flew too close to the sun. Like an anti-racist Icarus.
Yes, uh, Principal Coleman?
Ava: Just making sure you don't leave out the part about Martin Luther King Jr. wanting universal basic income. You mentioned it two periods ago, but you forgot to mention it last period.
Jacob: Uh, thank you, Ms. Coleman, for publicly calling me in. You know what? Let's course-correct. Everybody, grab a partner. We are gonna do some paired reading, okay? I think we've got an odd number today, so there's gonna have to be a group of three.
Ava: Why don't you just pair somebody up with me?
(Students gasp)
Jacob: You want to... read?
Ava: It be your own teachers, don't it?
Janine: (Laughs loudly) That's... Oh, sorry. I was just thinking about something Jacob said. It was zany, really. He said that someone likes me, which I don't think they do. But, you know, what's a surefire way to know if someone likes you?
Melissa: Well, who did Jacob say liked you?
Janine: Oh, I don't want to go into details.
Melissa: Yes, you do. You brought it up.
Barbara: And why are we talking about this? I thought you made a friend for this.
Mr. Johnson: (Taunting) ♪ I know who it is ♪
Janine: Okay, you know what? You guys are right. Let's not talk about it.
Mr. Johnson: It's Gregory!
Janine: What? W-Why would you guess that?
Melissa: 'Cause it's blatantly obvious.
Barbara: I mean, he absolutely likes you. Although I think that workplace romances are a terrible idea.
Ava: Yeah. That's why I never tried anything with him. Also, I have a boyfriend. But mostly Barb's reason.
Janine: So, wait. Everyone just... Just knows this?
Ava: Yeah, y'all the only two dummies that don't know that you like each other.
Janine: Whoa!
Barbara: But you do like him, right?
Ava: Despite you lack of swag, height, and good outfits, he thinks you're cute, but just don't do anything nasty on school grounds, because if I can't, then y'all can't.
Janine: I-I can't believe what I'm hearing. You know... 'Cause I-I-I can't like Gregory. 'Cause I like Maurice.
Barbara: Sweetheart, it is possible to like two people at the same time.
Janine: (to camera) This is wild. This cannot be a thing. You know, I am dating Gregory's friend Maurice, and Gregory's dating Amber. Plus, we work together. So, then what would happen? We see each other during the day and at night? We'd, you know, tell each other stuff and feel comfortable together? (Chuckles) Like, share our deepest thoughts, and, you know... a life. It's gross, honestly. Just... blegh.
Ava: Zach, you can't be setting up all this in here! Somebody should really be monitoring what's allowed to go on at this campus.
Zach: Jacob has a free period, and I'm surprising him with a Valentine's Day lunch.
Ava: They get a free period? These teachers are lazy as hell! We were just about to dive into the rhetoric that MLK used in his "I Have a Dream" speech.
Zach: Wait. Are you in Jacob's class? As, like, a student?
Ava: No, I'm not a student, but thank you for noticing my youthful glow. Some people think I don't even have pores. I'm just observing because I'm a very good principal.
Zach: How many classes have you observed?
Ava: All of them. How am I supposed to pass the final if I don't go to every class?
Zach: Sounds like you're doing more than just observing. Sounds like you're actually enjoying learning.
Ava: I will kick your Jacob-loving Saint Valentine ass right out of this school. I hate learning.
Zach: You just sound so passionate and engaged. I'm confused.
Ava: I'm confused. I never liked school. Got in the way of college. (Slurping) Now here I am, soaking up Black history lessons from Jacob of all people. No offense.
Zach: None taken. Do you think that now that you've ma-toured, you're actually interested in learning?
Ava: That's interesting. Ugh! Stop making good points.
(Keyboard clacking) (Rhythmic knocking)
Gregory: Hey. You got a second?
Janine: Yeah, my kids are in gym, so...
Gregory: Okay. Good.
Janine: (Clears throat)
Gregory: Okay. I have something really important I need to ask you.
Janine: Okay.
Gregory: Did Jacob already tell you?
Janine: I mean, to be fair, he didn't mean to. He thought I knew already, which I didn't, so...
Gregory: Well, now that you do, what do you think? You think it's good enough?
Janine: That's a weird way to phrase it. I don't think it's about if it's good enough. I just think it's, you know... It's... It's complicated. That's what I'm stuck on.
Gregory: It's actually not that complicated.
Janine: But it is, though, Gregory. I mean, it also...
Gregory: It's ages 12 and up. How complicated could it be?
Janine: Wait... S... Mnh. Sorry. Wait. Just... Time out. What?
Gregory: It's... It's got a lot of pieces, but complicated it is not. See, Amber's allergic to real flowers, so it's a Lego set that you can build into a bouquet of flowers. But if you think it's too much or not enough...
Janine: Wait. So, this is your Valentine's Day gift for Amber?
Gregory: Yeah.
Janine: This is the coolest friggin' gift I've ever seen.
Gregory: Okay, good. 'Cause I was worried.
Janine: You were worried? I was worried.
Gregory: About what?
Janine: Doesn't matter.
Gregory: Okay.
Janine: Yeah, what does matter is that I was right, and I will be telling Jacob that.
Gregory: Unh-unh. Javon, sit down! Thank you! What was that?
Janine: That is so cool. She's gonna love it.
Gregory: Thanks.
Janine: Yeah.
Jacob: (Whistling) So, I didn't mean to tell you, and I was feeling really bad about it at lunch, but then I happened to walk by and I saw that you were having a rather intense conversation, so if it went bad, don't blame me, because, again, I didn't mean to tell you, but if it went well, give me credit, because...
Janine: Do you want to shut up now so that I can tell you?
Jacob: Yes.
Janine: Okay. So, everything's fine. In fact, everything is more than fine because he really likes Amber. So I'm off the hook. In fact, there was never a hook. Or a line. Or even a boat. So... yay.
Jacob: I'm sorry. I thought... Wait. Are you sure?
Janine: Yes. And why be sorry? Everything's great. He got her an amazing gift, the most romantic Legos I've ever seen, so, obviously, he's really into her, which means he's obviously not into me.
Jacob: Well, people can like more than one person.
Janine: That's not what's happening here. He really likes Amber. And I'm really dating Mo.
Jacob: Well, I guess Gregory's love language is gifts. That's why he doesn't respond to my words of affirmation.
Zach: So, I have another surprise for you.
(Knock on door)
Jacob: Wait. Hold that thought. Um, okay. Please don't fire me. I can't get bad news while I'm eating. I have stress-induced IBS.
Zach: No one's getting fired, honey. Ava is the surprise. Tell him the big news.
Ava: Although I am one of the century's greatest autodidacts, I found myself paying attention in your class. I'll never get through this if you're looking at me. Turn around. I'm going back to school, I'm enrolling in night courses, and I might even get the credential I'm supposed to have to work here.
Jacob: Ava, that's... Wait. So I'm not getting fired?
Ava: No! You're getting a raise! In my teacher rankings. You and Janine were battling it out for last place.
Donnie: Miss Teagues?
Janine: Oh, hey. Look, Donnie, um... Valentine's Day is our most confusing holiday. Look, I know you think you have feelings for me, but sometimes when we think we...
Donnie: Let me stop you. I don't think I like you anymore. It's not you. It's me.
Janine: Oh.
Donnie: There's someone else. Can I have my Valentine back?
Janine: Of course. Yes. Of course. Heh! Whew.
Donnie: I see I'm not the only one.
Janine: These are the ones I'm gonna be giving out, but thank you.
Ava: So I was like, "Malcolm X? More like 'Malcolm Y we gotta be in this class so long?"'
(Laughter)
(Laughter stops)
Paul: Oh. Hey, Dad.
Ava: Paul and I were just discussing today's Black history lesson.
Tristan: And I bet it was better considering Mr. Hill wasn't teaching it.
Ava: Oh, he was teaching it, and he's gonna continue to. Don't judge him by the color of his skin or by the content of his class. Wow. I just made that up! (Giggles)
Tristan: So you didn't listen to any of my concerns?
Ava: Why are you just now getting concerned? I found out in class that Jacob teaches about Black historical figures all year, not just February. Did you just start paying attention this month?
Tristan: Oh. I didn't know that.
Ava: Nor did I. Looks like we both learned something today.
Tristan: (Chuckles softly) Son.
Paul: See you later.
Ava: What a shame. So hot, yet so very annoying.
(Door opens)
Maurice: What's up, Amber?
Amber: 'Sup, Mo? Ooh, Telfar bag?! Happy Valentine's Day to Janine! I hope you and Gregory went shopping together.
Maurice: What are those? Gel-X?
Amber: Good eye.
Maurice: Okay.
Gregory: Uh, hey. What's up? What you doing here?
Maurice: I'm here to see Janine. It's Valentine's Day. Duh.
Gregory: Right.
Maurice: You think I just hang out at schools for no reason, huh?
Gregory: Well, you ain't gotta wait here. She's just down the hall.
Maurice: Thank you.
Gregory: Yeah.
Amber: Hi to you, too. Rude. Look. He got her a Telfar bag.
Gregory: He... did.
(Knock on door)
Janine: Oh, hey!
Maurice: Hey.
Janine: I was just about to come get you.
Maurice: Happy Valentine's Day.
Janine: Oh, Mo! That's so sweet. Oh.
Maurice: What's wrong? You don't like it?
Janine: Um, no, I-I just... I think you forgot to put the gift in the gift bag, so...
Maurice: No, the gift is the bag.
Janine: Ohh! Oh, my God. It's so shiny, I thought it was a shopping bag. But this is... This is to put stuff in.
Maurice: Yeah. Classic bag technology.
Janine: Oh. Awesome. Wow!
Maurice: Well, careful, careful! Put the caps on those pens, girl. That bag is expensive.
Janine: Oh. I love it.
Gregory: I hope you like it. It's limited edition, so I had to go everywhere to find it.
Amber: Legos?
Gregory: Botanical Legos. They're pretty. You know, since you're allergic to real flowers.
Amber: And this is for me, not my kids?
Gregory: That was the intention, yes.
Gregory: I say we get the kids involved, we put that together...
Amber: That bag look good on you, girl.
Janine: Aww. Thank you. It's a Teflon.
Maurice and Amber: Telfar.
Janine: Oh. Uh, your gift is so cool. You're gonna have so much fun with that.
Gregory: Well, Happy Valentine's Day, Janine... and Mo.
Janine: Yeah. Happy Valentine's Day to you two, too... also.
Barbara: I purchased two tickets to Atlantic City on Spirit Airlines, so Gerald and I are good to go at Cibo's Bistro at the airport.
Melissa: Sweet.
Barbara: Mm. You're welcome to join us.
Melissa: Nope. Mnh-mnh.
Barbara: Oh, we don't mind. Heck, the tickets cost less than the meal.
Melissa: ( Chuckles ) No, no, no. You two deserve a nice night to yourselves. Don't worry about me.
(Cellphone buzzes)
Barbara: Okay.
Melissa: Hey. Look who finally decided to text. Are you kidding me? It's about work of all things. Gary wants me to take a picture of the vending machine to see if we're running low on Doritos.
Barbara: Yeah...
Melissa: I'm just making sure that... (Gasps) Aww! Gary!
Gary: Welcome to the coo-de-grass.
Melissa: Ohh! Well, it's "I.." I something you. "I.. I owe you"?
Barbara: "I love you."
Melissa: I love you, too, Barb, but... Oh. Ohh! Is ... Is this... You love me?
Gary: Yeah! I love the crap out of you.
Melissa: I love you, too, you big gavone! Don't ever scare me like that again!
Gary: I won't. I won't.
