Jacob: Yeah, according to this, it could be the final tour. Moving from news to opinion, I hope she does perform live again, but I don't think she owes that to her fans after all she's given to us. You like Britney, Billy?
Billy: No.
Jacob: Oh. That about wraps up the Daily Jacob. Hey, how about that SEPTA strike, huh? You think that's gonna happen?
Billy: Nah, it's usually just all talk.
Jacob: Well, as a union man myself, I stand beside ya.
Billy: Behind the line.
Jacob: Yeah. I stand behind you. You know, the thing about Britney that people don't understand-
Billy: Okay. This is your stop.
Jacob: Oh, no. No, I’m- I’m not for, like, four more blocks. I'm with them.
Billy: End of the line.
Jacob: This is a block where I got roundhoused.
[Maker's "Hold'em" playing]
♪♪
Jacob: Yes, James. Good answer. What else were the Roaring '20s known for? Yes, Veronica.
Veronica: Mass-produced cars, including the Ford Model A and the introduction of talkies.
Jacob: Okay, yes! Now we're talking. What else was this period known for? Anyone? RJ, what do you think?
RJ: I don't know.
Jacob: Oh, just throw something out there.
(to camera) RJ is a sweet kid, but he isn't engaged. You know, he's been suspended once for absences, but he isn't disruptive at all. Quite the opposite, actually. He's just a bit, like, tuned out. But I know there's a way I can get through to him. Never met a puzzle I couldn't solve. Except for today's Wordle. I mean, I know that- [Gasps] Ratio!
Next time, the Great Depression. Hey, RJ, what's going on?
RJ: Nothing.
Jacob: Seemed a little tired today.
RJ: I’m alright.
Jacob: Everything okay at home?
RJ: Uh, it's the same.
Jacob: Well, what if there was something fun to do instead of going right home? You have any interest in an after-school club?
RJ: I guess.
Jacob: Alright. You are gonna get a real kick out of the podcast club. What are some of your favorite pods? No? Okay, well... I'll see you after school.
Janine: Okay, guys, time is up, which means pencils go down, everyone.
(to camera) So in third grade, every kid in the Pennsylvania public school system does an assessment test, and in the second grade, we take a practice test for that test. I know this lesson like the back of my hand. Which... honestly isn't a great saying because, you know, I don't know my hand at all. They're like total strangers looking up at me.
Melissa: [Groans] I thought I timed it so I wouldn't have to talk to you.
Janine: Yes. Two seconds.
Melissa: Just lift it.
Barbara: Alright. Stay next to your buddy. Oh, we just had the most delightful walk.
Janine: God, this darn machine.
Barbara: Janine, if you lift it while you insert it, it'll make it go faster.
Melissa: I just said that.
Janine: [Chuckles] Yes, but not as majestically. Oh!
Melissa: Okay. Thank you. Go celebrate in the hall. Come on. My turn.
Janine: (to camera) They did terribly. I don't get it.
Ava: So, can't you just do this kind of stuff remotely now?
O’Shon: I could. I gotta head up to Ms. Washington's class. You need anything else while I'm down here?
Ava: No. I'm good.
O’Shon: Cool.
Cedric: Uh, excuse me. Hi, I'm Cedric, the custodian in training.
Ava: Wait. Has anyone ever called you Cedric the Jani-tainer? [Chuckles] Mr. Johnson, he's the trainee the district sent you.
Cedric: Hey. The hand that's fixed a thousand drips. It is an honor.
Mr. Johnson: (to camera) The district's trying to push me out. Let them try. Classic ageism. Good luck fitting into this uniform. I got impossible measurements, the perfect male form.
Alright, Cedric. Follow me... if you can keep up.
Alicia: (on television) Breaking news on the potential SEPTA strike. The union workers are unhappy with the current...
Gregory: Anyone else nervous the SEPTA strike might actually happen?
Barbara: Not for a moment.
Melissa: Yeah, they should strike, though. The city's always screwing them over.
Janine: Oh! Melissa, I know you were worried, but I figured it out. Those practice tests are culturally biased.
Barbara: Janine, Melissa's students are also black.
Melissa: Yeah, and they killed it. You got the only white kid in the school. How'd he do?
Janine: Also very poorly. But maybe the cultural bias is in the teaching. Like, you subconsciously taught them your whiteness, and now they're thinking whitely.
Gregory: Stop.
(to camera) Yeah, I told her that was a bad theory.
Barbara: Sweetheart, if you think this is an anomaly, just retest them.
Janine: That is a good idea.
Gregory: Are you kidding me? I said this already.
Janine: Yes, but not as majestically as Barb.
Jacob: I think they should be just getting started. Yes. Aaliyah. Jaden, this is RJ. He is interested in joining the podcast club.
Aaliyah: Good, 'cause it was starting to get real stale up in here. Welcome to "This Abbott Life." I'm Aaliyah.
Jaden: I’m Jaden.
Aaliyah: And today we're joined by... RJ! This episode, we're gonna be talking about Abbott's new glow up.
Jaden: RJ, how do you feel about Abbott's new archery equipment?
RJ: It's aight.
Aaliyah: Okay, one vote for "aight." Aight. I myself think it's a little dangerous. How about you, RJ?
RJ: Uh...
Aaliyah: He's stunned, folks.
Jacob: Hey, why don’t- why don't we take a little break?
Gregory: And hold. And now we're at break.
Jacob: RJ, can we chat for a second? We're just gonna... So, Jaden and Aaliyah there, they're setting you up. Feel free to just, like, jump right in.
RJ: I don't like to talk, so I don't really know if this is for me.
Jacob: Oh, yeah. Okay. Well, we can- we can... we can find something else for you. Maybe you could be the researcher. Does that sound like fun? Or I don't see why we couldn't have a student replace Mr. Eddie as the producer.
RJ: I get what you're trying to do, but I think I'd just rather be at home. See ya, Mr. Hill.
Jacob: Okay. Um...
Gregory: So you think just anybody can do this job?
(over computer) Good morning, Abbott.
Melissa: So now no one knows if they're coming back or they're gonna pull the New York Housewives and just start over.
Barbara: Girlfriend, I told you, I don't know these people, and I don't care.
Janine: Melissa, Melissa, what time did you give your students the practice test?
Melissa: Morning? Morning.
Janine: Whoo! I knew it. I knew it! Whoo! Okay, so I was racking my brain all last night.
Gregory: And all yesterday afternoon and all evening.
Janine: Yes, yes, yes. And you gave your test first thing in the morning, right? I gave mine after lunch, therefore my kids were tired, thus they underperformed.
Melissa: Okay. Yeah. It could be that.
Janine: Yeah.
Melissa: Or it could be that... [Allen Iverson impression] it's just practice, man. It was just a practice. We're talking about a practice test. [Normal voice] It was- It was Allen Iverson. Am I the only Sixers fan? Come on.
Gregory: [Sarcastic voice] Nice.
Melissa: Piss off.
Janine: So I will be giving my kids the test again in the morning.
Barbara: Ooh, and won't the kids just love that?
Janine: They will!
Barbara: Ah!
Janine: Thanks, Barb.
Mr. Johnson: As a janitor, you're gonna run into graffiti from time to time. You never know when it's coming.
Cedric: Mm.
Gregory: What the hell?
Mr. Johnson: Gregory, please. How would you get that out?
Cedric: Mm... I can't. You used a permanent marker.
Gregory: What the hell?
Mr. Johnson: Gregory, please.
Cedric: That's amazing. How did you do that?
Mr. Johnson: It's all in the flick of the wrist.
Cedric: That sounds like arthritis.
Mr. Johnson: You're damn right it is. You can't learn this. You gotta earn this.
Gregory: Hey, Mr. Johnson, what's in that? My lungs are burning.
Mr. Johnson: Three parts moonshine, one part you don't wanna know.
Gregory: Hey!
Mr. Johnson: What?!
Gregory: You gonna get this?
Janine: [Exhales sharply] Ava, can I redo the practice test?
Ava: [Mocking voice] "Ava, can I redo the practice test?" [Normal voice] So annoying. Do whatever you want. Wait. Come here. Let me ask you a question.
Janine: Okay.
Ava: What's it like to date you?
Janine: Oh! Okay, well... dating me is like playing a mysterious board game.
Ava: [Sighs] I'm trying to figure out what it's like to date a poor.
Janine: A what?
Ava: A poor. A singular of poor people. You know, what do you and Gregory do? Do you, like, walk around, or...? What do you eat for dinner?
Janine: We usually just eat at my place.
Ava: Oh. My Place. That sounds cute. I never heard of that restaurant.
Janine: “My place” is where we cook the food that we bought at the grocery store.
Ava: Oh, my God. [Scoffs] Please, only one annoying person at a time.
Janine: Okay, well, I'm done.
Jacob: I- I have a serious question about a student.
Ava: Now, why the hell is everybody coming in here asking me about students today?
Jacob: I thought you might have some information on RJ McCann. Um, I'm struggling with him a bit.
Ava: You know who else is struggling? His dad. That man has the worst case of struggle face I've ever seen. It's like...
Jacob: Back to RJ, I just- I need to figure out something to get him engaged in school.
Ava: Well, I see that's important, because if you lose him in eighth grade, he might be lost forever. Well, I'm off to teach step class.
Jacob: Wait! Can I- Can I bring RJ?
Ava: Yeah. Just don't let his dad show up, 'cause whew, Lord. [Laughs]
Barbara: Oh, pretty color.
Melissa: [Yawns] Oh, thank you. And thank you so much for taking me, Barb. Ever since my nail salon burned down, I have the hands of a rock-climbing construction worker.
Barbara: Yeah, you needed a manicure, and I needed some me time because Janine was working my nerves this morning.
Melissa: [Allen Iverson impression] “I mean, it's just practice, man. You know? It's not the test. It's just practice." [Normal voice] Right? [Chuckles]
Barbara: You know, I remember when I was a young teacher, oh, I'd get so stressed out about all this stuff. And as annoying as it is... I understand.
Melissa: Yeah, no, you're right. She'll figure it out, just like we did.
Barbara: Melissa, you ever think about retir-
Melissa: Wait, shh, shh. This is about the strike. Oh, wow. This is more exciting than a high-speed car chase. Hey, can you turn this up? Can you turn that up?
Ava: Not bad. Jacob, are you stupid? He clearly hates this.
Janine: Yeah, I c- I can see that. I'm just- I'm trying to find something that he'll take to so that he doesn't have to go straight home.
Ava: Well, he should like that thing if you want him to keep doing it. You did ask the kid what he enjoys, right? 'Kay, so you are stupid. Stop guessing and just ask him. RJ, come here. What kinds of things do you like to do?
RJ: Hang out with friends. I like to be outside. Quiet. And nature's cool, I guess.
Jacob: Hold that thought.
RJ: Do I have to keep stepping?
Ava: Please don't.
RJ: Thank you.
Ava: Girls.
Jacob: Hey, come on, come on, come on. Pick up, pick up, pick up, pick up. Gregory! Gregory, urgent question for you. Is there room in your garden for one more Goofball?
Gregory: (over phone) For the thousandth time, that program is for the students.
Jacob: No, no, not- not for me, for RJ. I think he would really thrive in it.
Gregory: (over phone) You know, this could've been a text that you sent tomorrow.
Jacob: Wait. Are you- Are you wearing a t-shirt? Cute!
Janine: (over phone) Who's that? Is that Jacob?
Jacob: Janine!
Janine: (over phone) Jacob, can you hear me?
Jacob: Yeah!
Janine: (over phone) Can you see me?
Gregory: (over phone) N-No.
Jacob: No.
Janine: (over phone) Can you reverse it?
Gregory: (over phone) Well, I got you a-
Jacob: Press the- It's in the, um...
Janine: (over phone) Jacob! Hi! Oh, I'm working on my practice test, so I can't really talk right now.
Gregory: (over phone) Well, that's why he didn't call you.
Janine: (over phone) Oh.
Gregory: (over phone) Yeah.
Janine: (over phone) What are you up to?
Jacob: Well, um, I-
Janine: (over phone) Oh, wait. Hold on. Gregory's getting an e-mail. Who the hell is Angela from GNC Customer Support?
Gregory: (over phone) Um, okay. Uh, RJ is welcome to join the Goofballs.
Jacob: Okay.
Gregory: (over phone) Uh, please text next time.
Janine: (over phone) Gregory, who's Angela?
Jacob: Yep. Mm-hmm.
Janine: (over phone) Who is that?
Gregory: (over phone) No, she's not an issue-
Mr. Johnson: Alright, smarty pants, what would you do in this situation?
Cedric: To unclog a toilet, I would use the plunger.
Mr. Johnson: That's what they want you to do.
Cedric: Who's they?
Mr. Johnson: Big plunger, baby boy. Let me show you a little trick.
Mr. Morton: [Softly sobbing, sniffling]
Mr. Johnson: Morton, that you?
Mr. Morton: No...
Mr. Johnson: Come on now, I know that sniffle anywhere.
Mr. Morton: I said it's not me.
Mr. Johnson: Whatever it is, you can't move on if you don't say what's going on.
Mr. Morton: [Sniffles] Everybody hates me.
Mr. Johnson: Oh, come on now. What did I tell you?
Mr. Morton: How I shouldn't base my self-worth off of other people's opinions of me.
Mr. Johnson: Even if they're right.
Mr. Morton: [Sniffles] You didn't hear any of that, did you?
Cedric: Nah.
Mr. Morton: Thanks, man. I'm going to go get back to work.
Mr. Johnson: You see, fixing what's broken just requires a magic touch.
Cedric: Okay. Hey!
Mr. Johnson: [Chuckles]
Janine: Barb, good news.
Barbara: 50% off all linens at the Ross?
Janine: Uh, no. Not that. My class retook the test under the ideal conditions- in the morning, bright-eyed and focused- and I set the thermostat to 89 in order to get it to the highly productive temperature of 73.
Barbara: That's a whole lot of information.
Janine: Yeah, yeah. And you know what? Now, they're probably not gonna all be perfect scores, but I'm just excited to see how much they've improved, right?
Barbara: Yes. Mm-hmm.
Janine: So here we go. Last one.
Barbara: Alright.
Janine: [Chuckles excitedly] [Imitates fanfare]
Barbara: Okay.
Janine: [Imitates fanfare] Trombone. [Imitates fanfare] Let's push it through. Yeah. Okay.
Barbara: [Chuckles]
Janine: Ah. Okay, so it is official. My class... straight up failed.
Barbara: Womp, womp.
Barbara: Melissa, these chocolate-covered raisins are gonna be the death of me. Gregory, you want some?
Gregory: Oh. No, thank you. I don't understand why anyone would ruin a raisin by dipping it in chocolate.
Melissa: Man, you are sick.
Barbara: Mm.
Janine: Well, my kids failed the retest.
Gregory: Even Claudia? She's a great student.
Janine: Yeah, even Claudia. You know, I don't get it. I- It was the right time of day. Their bellies were full, but not too full. They were bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.
Melissa: Well, it looks like you figured out what the problem is then.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Janine: What?
Melissa: You.
Janine: What?!
Gregory: Damn.
Janine: No, no, no, no. I am not the problem. My kids have passed every year with flying colors. The way I've taught the test works.
Barbara: And now it doesn't.
Melissa: Yeah, you can teach it the same way five years, six years, everything's fine. Then you get a new group of kids, all of a sudden it doesn't work anymore.
Barbara: Mm-hmm. I remember once I had a class I had to sing the ABCs or they just didn't get it.
Gregory: Oh, and you just had to sing?
Janine: I just thought I had it figured out. I mean... like, isn't there some point where you've just got it down?
Melissa: No! Kid, "having it down" means you gotta know when to change it up.
Janine: Okay. I guess I will try... trying something else. Switching up my methods.
Barbara: Okay.
Gregory: I’m just happy that we all equally helped you along this journey.
Janine: Aww, Gregory. What part did you play?
Gregory: Damn.
Janine: So when you have a word problem, you can map out what you're reading like this. Okay, George has three cars. Bruce has two times as many cars as George. So, how many cars does Bruce have?
Janine’s Students: Six!
Janine: Six! Yes! Let's hope he has a driveway, right? Hey, Ava. Hey. Ah! I just had a breakthrough with my students. We came at test prep a bit more visually, so we're gonna need to take the test again.
Ava: For a third time? This isn't even a real test, Janine. No! Let's see if they can solve this word problem. If you have one teacher who is getting on all my nerves-
Janine: Alright, you don't have to answer that.
Ava: [Laughs]
O’Shon: Hey, uh, I was looking for you.
Ava: Okay.
O’Shon: I finished up on the second floor.
Ava: Great.
O’Shon: Do you need anything else before I go?
Ava: No.
O’Shon: Alright then, uh, I'll head out. It was really good seeing you again. You look nice. Hi, Janine.
Janine: So... [Clears throat] O'Shon is the poor guy?
Ava: Don't eavesdrop on me.
Janine: You're in my classroom.
Ava: [Sighs] When you cook at home...
Janine: Mm-hmm?
Ava: Do you wash the dishes yourself?
Janine: Ava, you are not rich.
Ava: Let's pull up our bank accounts and put 'em side by side.
Janine: I don't wanna do that.
Ava: That's what I thought.
Janine: Okay.
Gregory: Yeah. There you go. Just like that, in the sun. Oh, hey, RJ, that's really good.
RJ: Thanks.
Jojo: [Scoffs] How come he never compliments me?
Javon: ‘Cause you never do anything good.
[Laughter]
Jacob: How's he- How's he doing? Looks good.
Gregory: Honestly, great. He's a natural. I haven't seen anybody this good at plants since... well, me.
Jacob: Awesome. Yes.
(to camera) Maybe Goofballs isn't his thing either. But we'll find something he loves. I'm not gonna give up. I'm not gonna stop. I'm gonna work harder. I'm a survivor, I'm gonna make it, I will s- Point is, w- we're gonna find, um, the right fit for RJ.
Mr. Johnson: And that's how I popularized the phrase "That's trash."
Cedric: What? That was you?
Mr. Johnson: I also came up with "I'll be back," but that bum from Australia stole it from me.
Cedric: I got to be honest with you, Mr. Johnson.
Mr. Johnson: Do you?
Cedric: Yeah, I do, because I respect you. The district sent me here to train with you... so I could replace you.
Mr. Johnson: I know, son.
Cedric: But- But I can never do what you do.
Mr. Johnson: [Chuckles] I know, son. But, listen, you're gonna make a great janitor. Just not here.
Cedric: Wow.
Gregory: Alright, what's this about?
Ava: Take a seat. I need to talk to you.
(to camera) If I'm gonna let myself be pursued by O'Shon, I really need to understand the mindset of a poor man. And the only way to do that is to go to the poorest man I know.
Say I could get you a $15,000 raise, say the equivalent of a district IT worker. What would you do with it?
Gregory: I’d to pay off my student loans.
Ava: Your student what?
Gregory: Or buy a nicer car.
Ava: No. What would you do for Janine?
Gregory: Buy her a nicer car?
Ava: This is what I came for.
Gregory: Yeah, I'd probably try to find a reliable...
Ava: Ugh!
Gregory: Pre-owned...
Ava: Ugh!
Gregory: Hybrid.
Ava: Get out.
Gregory: So, am I getting a raise?
Ava: No! Why would I give you a raise? You're so irresponsible with your money.
Jacob: RJ, he's just... just your average kid, Billy. You know, he takes SEPTA just like you and me. So I'm gonna figure it out. And you know why, Billy?
Billy: Oh, let me guess. Because it's your damn job?
Jacob: You are such a good listener.
Billy: Yeah, well, legally, I'm not allowed to wear headphones.
Jacob: Oh! Time for news updates. [Exhales sharply] Oh. Wow. That c- That can't be right. It says that SEPTA's demands went unmet, and they called the strike.
Billy: That's news to me.
Man: (over walkie-talkie) Attention, drivers. The city failed to meet our very reasonable demands. We will be going on strike. Stand by for further updates.
Billy: Well, it looks like you gotta get out, Jacob.
Jacob: Oh, my God. It- It's happening now?
Billy: Yeah, seems that way. Yeah. Gotta stand by the working man. Can you do that?
Jacob: Proudly. I believe in you.
Woman: Do we got to get out?
Jacob: Oh! How exciting! It's historic!
Woman: Do we got to get out?
Billy: No, no, no. You guys are good. Strike doesn't start till tomorrow. But for him... it starts today.
[Laughter, applause]
Jacob: Wait! Billy!
