Jessca: Aardvark. Armadillo. Ant. Anteater.
Janine: (to camera) Now that I'm doing my fellowship at the district, there's a rotation of substitutes who are teaching my class while I'm gone. I like to pop by and see how they're doing whenever I happen to be at Abbott. Just some quick, light-touch check-ins, you know, just to show support. They hardly even know I'm here. ( Chuckles )
Jessca: Alpaca. Alligator.
( Maker's "Hold'em" playing )
Kids: (Singing) I'm a little teapot, short and stout.
Gregory: My kids are so bored, they're moshing to "I'm a Little Teapot." When can we go back in?
Kids: (Singing) When I get all steamed up, hear me shout.
Janine: ( Scoffs, clicks tongue )
Kids: (Singing) Tip me over and pour me out.
Gregory: And what you tsk'ing at, Tsk'in' Teagues?
Janine: Ugh, just... I mean, look... look at this. My kids are just meandering. You know what I mean? You know, she's not even using the buddy system. I... Mm...
Jacob: What even set off the alarm?
Barbara: Don't look at me. Church or home are the only places my candles are lit.
Captain Robinson: What's not lit is another call from Abbott. At least it's not a full fire this time.
Barbara: Mm.
Captain Robinson: Just some smoke. Seems like someone lit a cigarette in one of the boys' bathrooms.
Barbara: What?!
Gregory: Cigarette?
Janine: What?
Jacob: Seriously, who still smokes cigarettes?
Gregory: Single dads, criminals...
Jacob: Morton. Where is he? Probably lightin' up in a back alley behind a Dumpster. Scumbag.
Ava: We got him. Melissa sniffed him out.
Melissa: Oh, yeah. You got menthols, you can run, but you can't hide. One whiff, and I am 14 again thinkin' I'm gonna wait a couple years before I try one of these.
Janine: That would only make you 16.
Captain Robinson: Smell always reminds me of my uncle.
Melissa: Oh, my aunt used to sit in a chair with a cig and a glass of Pinot Grig and recount "Moonlighting" to me. Captain Robinson: Yeah, my uncle used to do the same thing, except it was scotch and the Phillies game the night before.
Melissa: Mm.
Melissa and Captain Robinson: Childhood.
Captain Robinson: Nah, but this is a real problem.
Gregory: Mm-hmm.
Janine: Yeah.
Melissa: Oh, yeah, absolutely. Where did you even get a cigarette?
Ava: Yeah, what you, a French child?
Curtis: The guy around the corner sold it to me for a dollar.
Ava: A dollar? Inflation is crazy. But you are in big trouble, because cigarettes are banned.
Curtis: Not on any of the signs I saw.
Jacob: What?
Ava: On the school's website, we got "no skateboarding, no vaping, no loitering, no horseplay, no weapons, no open flames, no bullying, and no gambling."
Melissa: That last one's just for students, though, right?
Ava: There's nothing here about cigarettes. Did y'all find anything?
Janine: Uh, well, I saw a sign in the hallway that said "no," but whatever was under it was graffitied over.
Barbara: Yeah, that was a "no graffiti" sign.
Gregory: The e-mail from the top of the year lists everything, and I mean everything... including bringing a live spider to school is grounds for expulsion, but it definitely doesn't list cigarettes.
Barbara: Fidget spinners... banned. Cigarettes just seem to have evaded every sign we've seen.
Janine: Wait. So many new hazards have come out that we forgot to put cigarettes on the ban list?
Ava: Gee willikers, I have nothing helpful to say, so I guess I'll just restate the problem that we're all aware of. That's you.
Janine: Yeah, I got it.
Jessca: Besties! Let's finish up those worksheets so we can move on to adjectives.
Student: Jessca, do I need to capitalize the names of the states?
Jessca: The only human needs are water, food, shelter, and music. But don't worry about that right now. Just focus on getting your worksheets done.
Janine: Ooh. I'm sorry. ( Chuckles ) You actually do need to capitalize the names of states, because that's the correct thing to do for proper nouns. Right? Don't want to build bad habits.
Janine: Hi. I'm Janine.
Jessca: Jessca.
Janine: Oh, it's nice to meet you, Jessica.
Jessca: Jessca. There's no "I." Jess... Ca. Who are you again?
Janine: Oh, sorry. I'm Miss Teagues. This is my classroom.
Jessca: Oh! You're back. Friends, looks like I'm at the end of my time here.
Janine: Oh, no, no, no, no. I was just popping in to say hi to them. That's it.
Jessca: Everyone say hi to Janine!
Students: Hi, Janine!
Janine: Oh. Uh, no, guys, it's Miss Teagues, with a capital "T" because it's a proper noun. Is there a reason why we're abandoning all the rules of grammar?
Jessca: Oh, in the first worksheet, I like for the kids to write as freely as possible.
Janine: Mm.
Jessca: And, uh, we'll tackle capitalization later. Thank you so much for stopping by.
Student: Bye, Janine. Oh, see, it's the way he said that just now is what I'm trying...
Jessca: Mm-hmm. Alright. Let's get back to it.
( Door locks )
Jessca: ( Chuckles )
( Doorknob rattles )
Barbara: How could cigarettes not be banned?
Melissa: Yeah, somebody really missed the mark on that one.
Ava: I know my fit is going off today, but don't look at me. I blame... Janine. What are y'all even doing down there at the district? Shuffling papers? Doing the Jubi Slide? The children are smoking.
Barbara: What's the Jubi Slide?
Jacob: Oh, it's when you put one foot down, and you kind of move in the opposite direction --
Barbara: I do not want to live in a world where white people explain dance moves to me.
Janine: You know, I just don't get it.
( Door opens )
Janine: You know, I thought we beat cigarettes with the Truth Campaign. It's just so retro.
Melissa: Well, maybe they're getting cool again. I mean, clogs are back. Anything's possible.
Janine: Yes. Well, yes, but there are some cool clogs.
Barbara: I just can't believe that children are smoking ragweed.
Jacob: I know. Don't they know that smoking kills?
Janine: Mm. Jacob, you literally vape.
Jacob: Okay, that's different. That --
Janine: Yes, in that it's worse because you can vape anywhere.
Ava: You vaped all through "Saltburn."
Gregory: You're inhaling thousands of toxins. Yuck.
Jacob: Yeah, well... Janine smokes weed every day.
All: (Gasp)
Barbara: No.
Ava: Damn, Afroman.
Janine: Nope. Not every day. Every night.
Melissa: Janine.
Barbara: Reefer. Ganja. The Devil's Lettuce.
Mr. Johnson: That's why your feet so big.
Janine: I-It's medicinal, and... and it's considerate. If I didn't smoke, I'd be an insufferable Energizer Bunny.
Ava: What a twist. Janine is quietly off that loud.
Gregory: Ava, you can't talk, okay? You a hookah head.
Ava: Mm-hmm. Facts. And microdosing. I just eyeball it and say, "Yeah, that's enough."
Gregory: Now, I don't smoke, but I do enjoy a protein-bar edible on the weekends. You know, research actually shows --
Ava: Wow. This man just made drսg boring.
Barbara: I suggest that you all drop your vices and take a hit of my drսg of choice... J-E-S-U-S. Street name, Christ.
Melissa: Uh, you've been known to demolish those little bottles of Chardonnay.
Barbara: And you snort that liquid marijuana.
Melissa: You don't snort it. It is CBD oil, and I rub it on my joints.
Jacob: It's a gateway ointment.
Janine: Your lungs are dust.
Mr. Johnson: Crackheads. Speaking of joints, you ever submerge yourself in the essence of...
Janine: Oh, duh-duh-duh-duh, shh. Don't finish that sentence.
( Cellphone chimes )
Mr. Johnson: Frankincense and rosemary. I bathe in it while I hit a blunt.
Janine: Gotcha. Okay. I...
Janine: ( Panting ) Gotcha. Whew, so glad we found you. Um, you may or may not have heard some chatting earlier, that may or may not have been by the teachers, about, you know, some topics that you may or may not know enough about to parse.
Student: What?
Barbara: Baby, what'd you hear up in the lounge?
Student: That the teachers are all dope fiends.
( Gasps )
Gregory: Okay, now, that was an adult conversation between adults.
Melissa: That also didn't happen.
Ava: We were just joking.
Student: Why didn't anybody laugh?
Ava: 'Cause Janine isn't funny.
Melissa: Okay, listen, I'm gonna level with you, 'cause I know you're a smart kid --
Boy: I am. Or at least that's what my teachers say. But maybe they didn't mean it. Since they were high.
( All Gasp )
Jacob: Okay, alright, I think the point is that you overheard our conversation, which wasn't meant for you, so maybe it should just stay right here.
Student: If it makes y'all feel better, it can stay here physically.
Janine: Okay.
Student: But, digitally, it's up on every platform. I posted it everywhere immediately.
Barbara: Ohh!
Ava: Respect.
Mr. Johnson: Gotcha. ( Panting )
Jacob: So, the Dust Bowl, named after...
Student: Is that what the inside of your car looks like when you're vaping, Mr. C.?
( Laughter )
Jacob: Look, I-I want to make something very clear. No one should be talking about, or doing, any drսg, okay?
Student: Except for the teachers, huh? This man is a hypocrite.
( Laughter )
Student: Oh, you just got smoked, Mr. C. But I bet you like that.
( Laughter )
Janine: Hi.
Student: Hmph. Bet you are.
Barbara: Word Families. Pet.
Kids: Pet.
Barbara: Mm.
Student: Mrs. Howard, is that Pinot Grigio?
Barbara: This thing has gotten totally out of control.
Mr. Johnson: You're all drսg addicts, and I'm tired of it.
Gregory: What do we even say to them? We can't just have our kids undermining us.
Jacob: Okay, but how do we tell them not to smoke or do drսg, when, one, they know that we do them, and, two, we can't say anything to them except for "Just say no"?
Melissa: Okay, well, Janine, you're at the school district. What's our move?
Janine: We do have one more resource at our disposal. I think it's time to call in a professional.
Gregory: Take a seat in this row, but leave this seat for me, okay? Well, F.A.D.E. got here quickly.
Janine: Yeah, just had to call in a favor.
Gregory: Nice work.
Janine: And then I had to call in another favor when they found out I was the one who sent them Tariq. To which I said, "How was I supposed to know he'd be a liability?" To which they said, "Wasn't he your boyfriend?" To which I said, "Okay, nosy, good point." I'd like to use all other remaining favors. Can you help me or not?"
Gregory: Well, it sounds like the Tariq and F.A.D.E. split was amicable, then.
Janine: They said it's litigious and Tariq is not winning.
Gregory: Great.
Janine: Look at this. ( Scoffs ) Why aren't they in single file, and why are they holding hands? It's like, germ alert.
Gregory: Maybe it's to make sure no one gets left behind.
Janine: Okay, well, did you know that she has them call her by her first name? These are your students, not your buddies. Also, I overheard her saying, "You can use commas whenever you feel like." And I just feel like --
Gregory: ( Quietly ) Janine, did you smoke last night? 'Cause it don't seem like you did.
Janine: I just don't think it's the best way to run a classroom.
Gregory: Well, she's right over there if you want to have an actual conversation with her. Mm.
( Kids chattering )
Slim: Awwww, yeah! Abbott Elementary two- thousand-and-twenty-three-ee-ee!
Ava: It's 2024.
Slim: Two-thousand-and-twenty-fou-ou-r! Gotta introduce myself right quick. My mama named me Timothy. I call myself Slimothy. ( Laughs ) But you can call me Slim. You feel me? Welcome to the F.A.D.E. Experience. Let's do this! Drink up the energy! Drink up the energy, drink up the energy! Sober minded.
Slim: (to camera) Aw, yeah, no, it's a great gig. Like, it was fate. And yo Tariq was a renaissance, for real. Definitely my inspiration. 'Cause I just be studyin' what he be doin' and puttin' my own spin on it. And the people, shh, they like it.
Slim: So, what's poppin' to all my little sweeties. Smokin' cigs'll give you diabetes. Now, I admit that it make you look cool. But it make your breath smell like stool. And that's poop.
Melissa: ( Gasps )
Slim: I run up the score when I step in the booth. You do too much dip, you might lose a tooth. I'm feelin' so swaggy and actin' uncouth. Please don't get me started on cancer. Imma lose it if you think smokin' the answer! Get that out. Put it out. In conclusion, I don't think children should smoke.
Audience Members: That's right. Yes.
Slim: Whoo! ( Chuckles ) Yeah, y'all warm as hell now! Fatal overdoses in Philly are on the rise! And you all are responsible for stopping it via your decisions. Say it wit' me.
All: Decisions.
Gregory: Decisions.
Slim: Alright, now I'm about to bring out da dopest...
Janine: Mm.
Gregory: Mm. Mnh-mnh.
Slim: ..the tightest certified F.A.D.E. representative in the wo-o-rld! Carol-i-i-i-ne! Pay attention so you don't die. Pay attention, so you don't die.
Caroline: Hello, young... youth of color. I'm Caroline. Look to your left. Now look to your right. Now imagine it's blurry. That's what it's like to be under the influence.
Janine: Hey, Jessca, how's it going?
Jessca: It's fantastic. I was just telling the kids they can choose their own homework assignments.
Janine: I see.
Jessca: Yeah. I find that choice gets them really excited about homework.
Caroline: You are worthy of a good life.
Janine: Hey, so, um, first of all, I just wanted to say thank you for subbing. The only job harder than teaching is substitute teaching.
Jessca: I don't know. Have you ever seen "Ice Road Truckers"? That ice thin. That truck big.
Janine: ( Chuckles dryly ) Yeah, good point.
Jessca: Mm-hmm.
Janine: Great show. Uh, second, you know, I used to teach this class for three years, and so I have a deep, you know, rich understanding of the kids and this grade level, so, you know, if you ever need any tips.
Jessca: Thanks! But everything's fine.
Janine: Right, but there are some universal teaching practices, and because of your lack of experience, you might just need a little gentle guidance.
Student: Excuse me, Janine, I'm trying to listen.
Jessca:Thank you.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Jessca: If I need help, I will ask.
Janine: Okay.
Jessca: But I don't, so I won't.
Caroline: So, in conclusion, say no to drսg, cigarettes, and alcohol. Remember, F.A.D.E. says, if it makes you faded, walk away from i-it. I know that doesn't exactly rhyme, but it's the message that counts. A-Alright, we're gonna keep this fun bus moving along and jump right into a Q&A.
Student: When my mom gets off her shift at the hospital, she has a cigarette. Is that okay?
Caroline: Only if she wants to wind up being a patient there herself.
Student: What about wine? My dad drinks a glass at dinner sometimes.
Caroline: You know what pairs well with everything? Sobriety.
Student: My aunt takes edibles the doctor prescribed for her glaucoma.
Caroline: I guess that would be an exception if it is for medical reasons.
Student: So, you're saying some drսg are better than others?
Caroline: I would not say better. But some are definitely worse than others.
Student: Well, then, what's the least bad drսg?
Caroline: All substances are bad.
Student: But if you had to pick one...
Caroline: Cigarettes, I guess.
Barbara: No! No!
Melissa: ( Scoffs )
Student: So if I had to pick one thing to do if my life depended on it, it should be cigarettes?
Caroline: Maybe weed?
Jacob: Hoo, buddy.
Melissa: The hell?
Caroline: Let's end this, guys.
Student: According to CNN...
Caroline: Uh, fake news.
Mr. Johnson: Okay, now you got my attention.
Student: ...alcohol was illegal during the Prohibition era, and we're seeing the same renaissance now with marijuana.
Caroline: You know where they don't have a marijuana problem? The Third World, where kids can't just Google whatever they want, because they're busy making the phones.
Janine: Okay, alright...
Student: It just seems like most drսg aren't that bad.
Caroline: Fine, you can smoke a little! Just don't do opioids!
Student: My grandfather's on opioids.
Caroline: Drսgs from a doctor are okay.
Student: My mom's on Valtrex.
Caroline: That's fine. Your mom has herpes.
Janine: Hey!
Ava: Lady, are you high?
Caroline: Uh...
Slim: ( Coughing ) Whoo! Alright! When I say "this," you say, "went well." This.
Jessca: Went well.
Slim: This.
Jessca: Went well.
Slim: Hey, okay. Ah, peace.
Ava: ( Over P.A. ) Attention, Abbott Elementarians... Due to the district mandate, we will now be performing mandatory locker, bag, and cubby searches. In addition to searches, we are also reinforcing the zero-tolerance policy. Any substance found will end in a mandatory two-day suspension.
Barbara: Okay...
Ava: ( Over P.A. ) Any discussion of illicit substances will result in disciplinary action. This applies to students and teachers.
Ava: ( Sighs ) It's bad enough I got to make announcements sounding like a cop. Now I got to be a judge and hand out a sentence. According to this, I got to suspend Curtis.
Barbara: Well, that's how it goes. You bring a substance in, you get suspended.
Janine: This seems like overkill, to do all this without even having an honest conversation with Curtis or any of our students.
Melissa: Well, that's the system for ya. We're not allowed to say anything except "drսgs are bad."
Gregory: It just all seems ridiculous. Okay, Curtis is a great kid.
Jacob: He's an "A" student. He doesn't bother anyone. It's kind of uncharacteristic that he smokes.
Gregory: Smokes or smoked? Do we even know if he's done this before?
Barbara: We let this thing get so out of control, we forgot to ask the boy what happened.
Ava: So I guess I got to suspend him?
Gregory: Hold on, okay? Let me talk to him. He's been spending a lot of time in my classroom, and I think he's comfortable with me.
Melissa: I'll go with you. As a former child smoker, I can probably cough up some advice. ( Laughs )
( Door opens )
Melissa: ( Coughs ) See? It's not funny.
Janine: Steps to make sure this kind of thing doesn't happen anymore. Feel like some direction... Uh, some direction from the school district --
Barbara: Everything okay? 'Cause, Janine, I know you love to return a wave.
Janine: Yeah, everything's fine. I love the sub. ( Chuckles ) And her methods, and her ways. Yeah, I have no concerns.
Barbara: Spill the peas.
Janine: She's just doing things differently than I would, okay? And that's all I'll say. She is teaching grammar out of order, and it is chaos, and other things, too. It's --
Barbara: Would you believe it if I told you that when you first started, I found that some of your ways of teaching were a bit unorthodox?
Janine: Uh, no, because that belief interferes with my perception of reality, so...
Barbara: Janine, every teacher has their own style. You do things differently than Melissa. Melissa does things differently than me.
Janine: I know, but it's my class.
Barbara: It was your class. It's not your class right now.
Janine: Okay.
Barbara: Okay.
Janine: But did you know that she took the "I" out of her name and just goes by Jessca?
Barbara: Now, that is foolishness.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Barbara: These kids nowadays, they're just gonna do anything.
Janine: I know.
Barbara: "Hello, students. My name is no longer Miss Barbara. It's Miss Br-ha-ha-ra."
( Kids giggle )
Janine: Yeah, yeah. It's absurd.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Curtis: Am I in trouble? Because I really am sorry.
Melissa: No, no, we just wanted to talk, hon. So, remember when we asked you where you got the loosie? Well, we also want to know why you got it.
Curtis: I don't know. Just curious, I guess.
Gregory: Curiosity is part of being a kid. Okay, when I was younger, I, uh... Uh, l-look, you're gonna be presented with a lot of things in life, both good and bad, and we just want to make sure that you're being careful.
Curtis: I wasn't even gonna do it again.
Melissa: See, that's great. It took me decades to learn that.
Curtis: It was nasty.
Gregory: Yeah, it is nasty, so don't forget that taste.
Curtis: Was F.A.D.E. my fault?
Melissa: No, no, sweetie. F.A.D.E. is the government's fault.
Curtis: ( Chuckles ) I really am sorry.
Melissa: Yeah, we know you are. Why don't you head on back to class?
Gregory: I hate that we can't be more honest with them.
( Door opens )
Melissa: Me, too. That kid should not be suspended. Ugh.
Gregory: Maybe he doesn't have to be.
Janine: Hey.
Jessca: Now it's vibe time.
Janine: Hey, Jessca. So, I just wanted to apologize. Um, while you're here, these kids are your class, not mine, and I should not have tried to force my albeit tried-and-true methods onto --
Jessca: "K," so let me stop you right there, because actually, I'm only signed up to be here this week. And I won't be returning, because this week has been exceptionally mid.
Janine: Oh! So -- Mm. I thought you would, uh -- I don't know. I just thought you were having a good time, so that's why I wanted to come and, you know, say sorry for the way I'd been acting, because it wasn't, you know --
Jessca: Yeah, you're talking as if there was some sort of interaction I'm supposed to remember, but I don't. ( Chuckles )
Janine: ( Chuckles dryly )
Jessca: Nevertheless --
Janine: Oh.
Jessca: I accept your apology, which I'm sure I humbly deserve.
( Both chuckle )
Jessca: Toodle-oo.
Janine: Okay. Oh. Oh, the door.
Jessca: Toodle-oo.
Janine: Click it.
( Door locks )
Gregory: (to camera) I'm gonna be honest. This was a rough week at Abbott. Uh, sometimes, as a teacher, there's only so much you're allowed to say. But that doesn't mean that you can't still be there for your kids. I remembered that I had an in at the district, and she's gonna speak to the board and see if she can get Curtis' suspension lifted. I'm confident she'll get it done. She always does.
Curtis: Thank you.
Gregory: (to camera) The truth is, attitudes change. And as teachers, we have to figure out how to keep an open mind while staying within the bounds. And the result is, sometimes we end up learning something ourselves.
Melissa: You're gonna feel so much better when you just let it go.
( All speaking indistinctly )
Melissa: ( Chanting ) Jacob. Jacob. Jacob.
( All screaming )
Janine: Oh, my God! Get him out!
Barbara: Get him out!
Gregory: Jacob. Jacob. Jacob? Relax.
Jacob: I got it!
( All screaming indistinctly )
Jacob: Give it to me!
Gregory: No!
Jacob: (to camera) They say quitting vaping is easy-peasy. Total lie. Nicotine gum -- I kept accidentally swallowing it. Reading Allen Carr's "Easy Way to Stop Smoking," I was falling asleep and dreaming about smoking. Anyway, I have found a solution that I really think is the one.
Jacob: ( Gasps )
Ava: Hey, didn't you listen to F.A.D.E.? You can't have vape pens in school.
Jacob: I buried my vape pen. This is my Bref. ( Breath ) No vapor, no nicotine, just real natural air.
Ava: Damn, they got dumb asses paying for air? Why didn't I think of that?
Jacob: Dumbasses? No -- Uh, it was only $200. And it comes with a lifetime guarantee... Wait. I got got. ( Inhaling deeply ) Well, I'll be. This oxygen is bus sin'!
