Janine: Ooh! Sorry.
Gregory: Excuse me. Yeah.
Janine: So, Gregory Eddie, Mr. Eddie, I see you're back from break.
Gregory: Yes, indeed. And I see you, Ms. Teagues, are also back from break.
Janine: Yep.
Gregory: I need to just...
Janine: Ooh!
Gregory: Oh, no, I was, um ... But we can... Yeah. No?
Janine: Mnh-mnh. No. We don't have to.
Barbara: Funny how social skills just atrophy when you never use them.
Ava: They're just being weird 'cause they danced at a club during break.
Barbara: Only club I go to is Bible Club.
Ava: Do they play good music there? My favorite club just got shut down 'cause they let a horse in.
(Maker's "Hold'em" playing)
♪♪
Ava: It was a Disney Channel grind at best. Grow up. Take these score sheets.
Gregory: Uh, score sheets for what?
Janine: (Gasps) Oh! This week is the Read-A-Thon!
Ava: Sponsored by Dough Nuts Pizza.
Janine: "Dough Nuts for Reading."
Ava: Shut up, Janine.
Gregory: So, how does this work? The class that reads the most gets a pizza party? And that's what the kids want?
Janine: Kind of. Every kid gets pizza, but we track the class in each grade that reads the most. It's mostly ceremonial, but some of us take it more seriously than others.
Melissa: Clear the way! Two-time second-grade Read-A-Thon champion coming through! And this belt's staying with the champ.
Janine: (Scoffs) Yeah, well, who wants to wear a big belt anyway? Either way, I'll be the one wearing that, because my kids are gonna win because they want to, not me. I believe in losing. It builds character.
Barbara: I would never bet against Melissa in a read-off. I have seen her inspire even the most reluctant readers to devour a complete "Boxcar Children."
Melissa: Mm-hmm. I'm gonna mop the floor with you, Teagues.
Mr. Johnson: You don't want to do that. It'll just spread the spill around. (Chuckles)
(Bottle spraying)
Jacob: (Quietly) Yes, yes, yes! (Normal voice) Janine! Did you see the big news?
Janine: Oh, my God. Did the multi-color pushpins come in?
Jacob: No. Well, I mean, yes, that is huge. But, uh, I got two sign-ups for after-school podcast club.
Janine: Oh! Two. Two? Wow! That... That's enough to tango.
Jacob: I cannot wait to get started. I'm picturing "This American Life" meets "Pod Save America" with the research of "The Daily," the storytelling of "The Moth," all while, like, redefining the form, á la "Radiolab."
Janine: How many white podcasts do you listen to?
Jacob: Hundreds. I listen at triple speed, though, you know, to fit them all in. Actually, this conversation kind of feels like ifs in slow motion. But I am so informed.
Janine: Ah.
Jacob: Gregory!
Gregory: Mm?
Jacob: We got two sign-ups. You ready to, uh, redefine journalistic storytelling?
Janine: Wait. You're doing the podcast club?
Gregory: (to camera) You get paid a little more when you do an extracurricular, and my financial status continues to be a source of tension in my romantic life.
Melissa: Yeah, you're gonna need a lot more than one cart of books to beat my kids.
Janine: Yes, I'm well aware of that. This is my third trip back from the library this morning.
Melissa: How are you doing that?
Janine: Well, I didn't want to reveal my secret earlier, but I figured out how to fit two weeks of
math lessons into next week, which means this week, my kids can devote their time to reading and beating your class. Behold. Our reading wonderland.
(Classical music playing)
Figured if I come for the queen, (qiuetly) then I best not miss. Right, kids? Right? And, so, if you think...
♪♪
(Door opens)
Melissa: Alright, listen up, my little eagles... it's game time. I'm gonna need youse reading nonstop, okay? That means if you're at recess, you're reading. On the bus, reading. If you are at gym class, the sit-and-reach is now the sit-and-read. Yes, Felicity?
Felicity: What about when I take a shower?
Melissa: Slide Babar into a Ziploc bag. Now, listen, Ms. Teagues thinks that her class can outread you, but that ain't gonna happen. So what time is it?
Children: Game time!
Melissa: That's right. Deja, Levi, Bryana, come on up here for a second. Alright, listen up. You three are very strong readers, so I'm gonna need a lot of pages from you. Can you handle it?
Deja: We got this, Ms. Schemmenti.
Melissa: Alright! That's my girl. Go get 'em, kids.
Mya: I'm gonna read more books than anyone.
Levi: Yeah, right.
Melissa: Levi, Mya's gonna do her best, alright? Just like everybody else.
(to camera) Mya's a great student. Just when it comes to reading... Hey, kids, like adults, all have their strengths and weaknesses. As in, you know, Janine's got lots of weaknesses, and my strength is exploiting them.
Jacob: Clarence, Raheem, it is an honor to embark with you on the inaugural voyage of "This Abbott Life." Producer Gregory and I...
Gregory: Mr. Eddie.
Jacob: We understand that the world needs your stories, and this podcast is going to be a window into the very soul of Abbott. Soft, inviting intros, rhetorical questions dripping with pregnant pauses, the Ira Glass model.
Clarence: What type of pauses?
Raheem: What's an Ira Glass?
Jacob: Ira Glass? The godfather of podcasting, the podfather?
Clarence: Oh, you mean Joe Budden.
Jacob: Well, I-I think he pronounces it Biden, but we will work on diction when the mics are hot.
Clarence: You've never heard of Joe Budden? Here.
(Indistinct chatter through earbuds)
(Bleeping)
Jacob: Whoa! Okay.
Raheem and Clarence: (Laughs)
Jacob: I'm not sure how Mr. Budden's mother would feel about that podcast. Anyways, here is something to go off of for Episode 1. But, you know, make it your own. Wherever the story takes you, go there.
Ava: Y'all be careful. That equipment ain't cheap.You think just anybody can start a podcast? Please!
(to camera) Oh, you haven't heard of the Coleman Podcast Network? It's a couple of "Housewife" recaps, "Banana Mouth," my screenwriting-advice podcast, "Catch These Fade Ins," not to mention my ASMR endeavors.
(Whispering) But Spotify made me take those down. (ASMR eating noises)
Melissa: I'm telling you, Barb, I've never had a class make this much reading progress this fast. We're riding that Magic School Bus straight to victory.
Barbara: I never cared for that Ms. Frizzle. Always wearing those kooky outfits, and that overzealous, can-do attitude.
Janine: You guys talking about the Read-A-Thon? I am killing it. Yeah, my kids are behind a few pages, but not for long. We are winning it to be in it.
Barbara: No, that's not it.
Janine: Mm.
Melissa: I just think it's cute how you're still trying, Janine. You're not gonna catch us. That Wimpy Kid can't crank out diaries fast enough. (Chuckles) Whoa. Wait. Nurse Makiah, where are you going with these three?
Nurse Makiah: They wouldn't stop rubbing their eyes on the playground. One of them said they've been reading this in the bathroom, then gave the book to the other two. It's pink eye. It's always pink eye.
Melissa: Oh, my three strongest readers! Why?!
Deja: You told us to read at all times.
Melissa: I did.
Barbara: Aw.
Nurse Makiah: Come on. Come on, kids. Let's go.
Janine: Hope you feel better, kids. Ugh! Your pizza's cooked, Schemmenti. I genuinely do hope your kids feel better, but you're done.
Melissa: You know what, Janine?
Janine: (As Melissa) Oh, oh, oh, oh, you want to talk about pink eyes, Janine? I'm gonna give you a black eye, ya gabortz. (Normal voice) Yeah. It was gonna be something like that. Hmm?
Melissa: Mm.
(School bell rings)
Janine: Oh, hello.
Melissa: How long you been sitting there?
Janine: I'm standing, and a long time.
Melissa: Okay, well, you can just wipe that smirk off your face. I know plenty of people who have counted me out before.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Melissa: And while I have absolutely no way of confirming this, I'm positive they're all dead.
Janine: I hope not. But, uh, since you're so sure, how about we raise... This is in the way. How about we raise the stakes?
Melissa: Oh, okay, a side bet.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Melissa: Alright, what are you thinking?
Janine: Hmm. I don't know. I'm confident I'm winning, but I don't have anything of value or any money.
Melissa: Okay, how about we wager something you can't possibly put a price on... dignity?
Janine: Oh.
Melissa: Loser has to streak at the Sixers game.
Janine: Yeah. Yep. Mm-hmm. Definitely, I would do that, but, also, um, something else that could be just as bad is, loser has to be a guest on Jacob's podcast. Equally as humiliating.
Melissa: Alright. Okay.
Melissa: Okay, listen up. Y'all already heard the news. Levi, Deja, and Bryana have pink eye. Now, I know they were leading the charge, but we are still in this. Right? We can come back from this setback, and when we do, it will make the victory all the sweeter, because, my little eagles, these are the moments that will define the rest of your lives. You don't want to look back on this week when you're 35 and think, "Man, if I had only
won that reading thing." So, who is gonna step up and lead this class to eternal glory?
Mya: I'll read the class to eternal glory.
Melissa: That's right, Mya. Who else?
Girl: I guess I can read while I watch TV.
Melissa: Yeah.
Boy: If I listen to an audiobook while I fall asleep, that counts, right?
Melissa: I don't need to know how you do it, just get those books read. Alright, let's go! Crack those books!
Jacob: A skunk sat on a stump and thunk the stump stunk. Stump. Thunk.
Gregory: What are you doing?
Jacob: I'm checking levels. Can you hear me?
Gregory: I really wish I couldn't.
(Door opens)
Ava: Don't mind me. I'm just here to make fun of you.
Jacob: Thank you for the honesty. Okay. Is everybody good on the theme?
Raheem: Yep. "Cafeteria Blues." We got plenty on that.
Jacob: Well, I knew you would. Okay, Producer Mr. Eddie, roll that royalty-free music, and I will jump into my intro.
(Mellow electronic music plays)
Lunchtime can be so polarizing. For some, it's a well-earned mid-day break. For others, a bit more complicated.
In West Philadelphia, I'm Jacob Hill. Today on "This Abbott Life," two of our producers tell us about those cafeteria complications firsthand. Gentlemen?
Clarence: What's up, Mr. C? Man! The Abbott cafeteria is a whole movie.
Raheem: Right. All the school baddies in one place.
Clarence: We're talking about the cafeteria, and you're talking about girls? Lunchtime's about starting rumors. Otherwise, the bus ride home is going to be boring!
Raheem: Like the rumor that you pee in pools? (Laughs)
Clarence: Yo, that's a whole lie. Show some respect.
Raheem: I'm trying to respect these jawns, but you're over there blocking me.
Jacob: Okay, alright. Um, yeah, good, uh, energy, but maybe rein it in a tad. Remember, this is about journalistic storytelling, okay? There's no need to argue.
Clarence: This is what podcasts are about. We're just being ourselves.
Raheem: Yeah, I checked out some of those podcasts you were telling us about. It's like listening to school.
Ava: Don't waste your time. Those nerds speak like a bow tie came to life.
Jacob: Well, we all know that Michael Barbaro milks it a bit. But you have to master the fundamentals of podcasting before you can break them, right, Producer Mr. Eddie?
Gregory: Oh, I wasn't listening. But please don't feel the need to repeat yourself.
Raheem: Can I at least tell the story about that one time when I was spitting game to Emily?
Jacob: No, no. Sorry. That would be...
Ava: Jacob, let that boy speak. Emily is top-10 popular, and I need that tea. Come on, let's get it.
Melissa: (Gasps) Ooh, look, look, look, look!
Barbara: Hello.
Melissa: Okay. According to this chart, Janine, my class is way ahead of yours.
Janine: Let me get this straight. Three of your best readers go down with pink eye. And, yet, somehow, your class starts reading more books than everyone?
Melissa: Yeah, 'cause I give one hell of an inspiring speech. You know, we Schemmentis pride ourselves on our art of coercion. Motivation.
Barbara: You know, if it wasn't for one of Melissa's speeches, I never would have watched "The King's Speech."
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Barbara: But I tell you what. That Colin Powell sure can act. Mm!
Janine: Yeah, well, speech or no speech, something is off.
Melissa: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Are you accusing me of cheating, Teagues?
Janine: Uh, yeah. Only because you brag about cheating all the time.
Melissa: (Scoffs)
Barbara: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! Now, now, Melissa does cheat from time to time.
Melissa: Yeah, my first boyfriend. My... My second boyfriend. Keto diet 'cause I ain't giving up carbs.
Barbara: But she would never cheat on an actual competition.
Melissa: Yeah. What am I, the USC athletic director? Okay, fine. You know what? I'm gonna go right now and check my readers' reports just to make sure we're on the level, alright?
Janine: Look, listen, all I'm saying is, I just want things to be fair.
Melissa: And I bet when you watch sports, you root for the refs.
Janine: I do.
Barbara: You do?
Janine: Yeah.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Melissa: Mya, could you bring that book up to my desk, please? Great. What you reading, hon?
Mya: "Rip Van Wi.."
Melissa: That's okay. That's a hard one. "Rip Van Winkle." How is it? It's good? Yeah? So, on this form your parents signed, it says that you read like 25 books last night. I'm just checking... Is that the number you meant to put down?
Mya: Yes. I want to help the class kick Ms. Teagues' butt.
Melissa: (Laughs) Yeah, you are. You sure are. Um, so, you said you, um, read like 10 of those "Berenstain Bears" books. Just remind me, what's the name of the sister bear again?
Mya: Mm, Beyoncé?
Jacob: (Laughs) Hey! Here they are. The hosts of Abbott Elementary's number-one podcast. What'd you think of that first ep I dropped? Droll, right?
Raheem: This episode blows.
(Aa-ooga sound effect)
Gregory: Sorry.
Jacob: Whoa, what do you mean?
Clarence: You ruined our episode.
Jacob (on the podcast): The cafeteria staff say negotiations with the district come down to one thing.
Clarence (on the podcast): Respect.
Raheem (on the podcast): Respect.
Jacob (on the podcast): Respect. Chapter 3. The popular-kids' table can be a daunting...
(Beep, recording stops)
Clarence: This isn't what we recorded. This is your script.
Jacob: Producer Gregory and I thought...
Gregory: Uh, Mr. Eddie had nothing to do with this.
Jacob: Okay, I thought that a more school-appropriate version would be more appropriate for school. And, look, there's a learning curve here, you know? We are all...
Clarence: You censored us.
Jacob: Okay, do not say that.
Raheem: This isn't what we signed up for.
Clarence: Yeah, man. We quit. I was really excited for this, too.
Gregory: Um... Do we still get paid for the club if there are no students in the club?
Jacob: No.
(Wah-wah-wah-wah sound effect)
Melissa: Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Okafor. Hey. Come... Come sit down. Hey, Mya, why don't you go read one of those books I put out.
Mya: How about I read all the books?
Melissa: Okay. Listen, I just wanted to check in with you guys about Mya.
Mya's Dad: Is something wrong? Is she okay?
Melissa: Oh, no, no. She's fantastic. Are you kidding? She's got her math down to a science and her science down to an art. (Chuckles)
Mya's Dad: Hey!
Melissa: Um, yeah, okay, so, the thing is that she brought in her Read-A-Thon list this morning that you guys signed off on. And I just don't see how it's possible she read all these books just last night.
Mya's Mom: Of course she did.
Melissa: Listen, she's fantastic, but none of the kids in the class can read 25 books in one night.
Mya's Mom: She's still a fine reader.
Melissa: Okay.
Mya's Mom: Mya, who is your favorite character in "Curious George"?
Mya: Um, George?
Mya's Mom: See?
Melissa: Here's the thing. Mya is just starting to show some initial signs of struggling with reading. And the last thing that I want is for her to get frustrated and then, you know, get annoyed and give up on reading altogether. So I just thought, if we get her tested, we can eliminate any issues she might have with reading...
Mya's Mom: Mnh-mnh-mnh. Mya doesn't need some tests.
Melissa: I know that the idea of testing your child can be a little scary, but, listen, we just don't want her to fall behind.
Mya's Mom: There is nothing wrong with her.
Melissa: Oh, no, no, no. Mr. and Mrs. Okafor, I never said she was falling behind. There's nothing wrong with her. She's a fantastic student.
Mya's Mom: Mya, let's go.
Melissa: She just needs a little extra help just in the reading. Mr. and Mrs. Okafor.
Mya: I just finished four more books, Ms. Schemmenti.
Mya's Mom: Four.
Melissa: Okay, guys, after re-running the numbers, it appears that Ms. Teagues' class read more books than us.
Students: (Groan)
Melissa: Yeah, no, no. Don't get it twisted. Let's think about it. If you're in Ms. Teagues' class, are you really a winner?
Students: (Laughter)
Melissa: Alright, don't repeat that. I just wanted to let you chipmunks know how proud I am of you, all the books you read. And when you walk out of this classroom, you keep your heads held high, 'cause, at the
end of the day, all that really matters is, everyone's eating pizza.
Mya: Ms. Schemmenti?
Melissa: Yes?
Mya: I really tried to help our class read the most books, but can I be done with books now? I mean, the contest is over, right?
Melissa: Yeah, actually, Mya, can I get your help with something in the hall real quick? Great. You guys keep eating your pizza.
Melissa: Okay. So, Mya, 1-1 want to ask you something, and I want you to be honest with me, okay? 'Cause, remember, it's me, Ms. Schemmenti. Remember when we trekked through that snowstorm together? Stomp, stomp, stomp! Abominable!
Mya: Abominable!
Melissa: Yeah. Um, can reading feel just, like, a little tough sometimes?
Mya: A lot of tough.
Melissa: Oh, yeah. You know what? For me, too.
Mya: Really?
Melissa: Yeah, yeah. But I found some tricks over the years to help make it easier. Like, look. You see the beginning of each of the words is highlighted? That helps make sense out of the whole word "minestrone." See, the story's about a little girl who, um, had to read things a few times till they made sense. And, sometimes, some of the other kids would make fun of her. But at the end, she figures out that it doesn't matter how fast or slow you read. Reading's about having fun. See, my teacher gave this to me when I was a little girl, just about your age, and I promise you, I grew up to love reading.
Mya: Ms. Schemmenti?
Melissa: Yeah, hon?
Mya: I still wish we would have won.
Melissa: Yeah, me, too, kiddo, but, you know, what are you gonna do? The rules are the rules.
Mya: Rules stink.
Melissa: Yeah, they do. Go have some pizza.
(Door opens) (Door closes)
Ava: What happened to your little podcast club?
Jacob: Oh. (Sighs) Kids decided they didn't want to do it anymore.
Ava: Yeah, I don't blame them. I almost fell asleep listening to the first episode. And I was driving. Your podcast could have killed me.
Jacob: I just wanted to give the kids something new and exciting to do, you know?
Ava: New and exciting for them or for you? 'Cause it sounds like you were trying to force them to do something that you want to do. (Mockingly) You're a bad teacher.
Jacob: Oh, my God. I've had this exact nightmare before.
Ava: Yeah, people tell me that a lot. I call it "Ava vu." (déjá vu) Now get out of here. There's a new episode of "Below Deck" that I got to review for my podcast, "Small Deck Energy."
Jacob: (to camera) I wanted to be like Sarah Koenig, you know, a graceful hand to hold through gripping stories. And, instead, I tried to force my agenda onto impressionable listeners. I Rogan'd.
Barbara: Melissa, I'm sorry you lost. What do you think Jacob's gonna ask you on that podcast?
Melissa: Oh, I'm not doing that crap.
Janine: (Laughs) See that? I'm like a tall Simone Biles. (Exhales deeply) Times like these, I'm reminded of Sir LeVar Burton, who taught us that reading is like a rainbow, and the pot of gold is that I won.
Melissa: You know, Janine, I re-read the rules that Dough Nuts prints out on their form. Um, you know, sometimes, it takes me reading through things a couple of times before I get everything. "The winning teacher is determined by whichever classroom reads the most books." And since my second-and-third-grade class are in one room, the classroom, I get to add their totals together, which, unfortunately for you, means I won.
Janine: Dough Nuts said whats?
Raheem: I'm glad to be back, Mr. C.
Clarence: Yeah. Thanks for letting us make it our own.
Jacob: For "This Abbott Life," here's Clarence and Raheem.
Janine: So, what questions do you little reporters have for me today?
Clarence: My mama said she saw you at the club grindin' all up on Producer Mr. Eddie.
Janine: Oh, uh...
Gregory: Uh...
Janine: What kind of podcast is this?
Raheem: Okay, so you were grinding.
Janine: No. No, no, no, no, no. I was not... We were dancing, you know, just how normal people dance, right? Like normal people.
Gregory: Yeah.
Raheem: Clarence's mom said she saw you leave together.
Janine: What?! That is not true.
Clarence: Hmm. Then what happened?
Janine: I was outside talking to his friend Maurice.
Gregory: What? Uh, Jacob, isn't this exactly the kind of podcast you wanted to steer away from?
Jacob: Actually, I would love to hear, if you have anything you'd like to add. You know, for journalistic purposes.
Gregory: This episode was brought to you by the Coleman Podcast Network.
Clarence: Yeah, we're still waiting for that answer.
