Jacob: Melissa! Hey, um, I have to supervise this quiz, but if you see Mr. Johnson, can you just let him know that I may need a spare key? I blanked where I put mine.
Melissa: You better not lose our house key. My cousin Billy just got out. But sure, I'll tell him if I see him. Hey, if you see Mr. Johnson, can you tell him that Jacob may need a…
[Blender whirring]
Ava: Dia, tell Mr. Johnson that Jacob needs to find…
[Pencil sharpener whirring]
Dia: Mr. Johnson? [Sighs] Janine!
Janine: Yeah?
Dia: Have you seen Mr. Johnson?
Janine: Before, yeah. Today, no.
Dia: If you do, can you let him know that Jacob desperately needs
Man: (over phone) Make some noise!
[Air horn blares over cellphone]
Janine: Oh, my God. That sounds time-sensitive. Okay, yeah. I'll let him know right away.
Mr. Johnson: There you are. Wasn't easy, but I got you a mariachi band for lesson time.
Jacob: What? I said I may need a spare key. I blanked where I put mine.
Mr. Johnson: That's not what I was told. Also, you need to clean the upstairs bathroom. This took a long time to put together.
[Maker’s “Hold’Em Playing]
♪♪
Barbara: Oh, they look so good. Come on.
(to camera) Mother's Day has become very important to me ever since I lost my mom a few years ago. I like to do something special every year. And this year, I'm in charge of the hallway decorations, so the students can show appreciation for their moms.
Melissa: I think the moms are gonna love these.
Jacob: Mm-hmm.
Melissa: You know, when I was a kid, I always made sure I did just enough to stay in my mom's top five.
Janine: Top five? How many siblings do you have?
Melissa: (to camera) Hey, so I got my sisters Kristin Marie, Marie, Mary Camille, Maria Christina, my sister Toni, my brother Tony, John Anthony, and Seamus. It's a different dad.
Barb, do you need me to bring anything else to the house on Sunday besides lasagna?
Barbara: You know I handle everything for Mother's Day. And the only reason I'm letting you bring the lasagna is because Gerald won't shut up about it.
Jacob: If either of you have a hankering afterward for bottomless mimosas, I will be at Mothered Day, which is a themed drag brunch over at Rubensteins, celebrating all of our mothers.
Melissa: Oh, I wish I could, kid, but I'm going to my mom's after, and I can't show up drunk. It's a family tradition. On Mother's Day, we get drunk as a family. Especially Seamus.
Barbara: So, Janine, what about you and your sister? Anything nice planned?
Janine: Oh, no, I'll be at drag brunch, also, because my mom doesn't like celebrating Mother's Day. Says it's her least favorite holiday. And my sister's gonna be celebrating with her dad and stepmom.
Melissa: Oh, you two have different dads?
Ava: [Laughs] Of course, they do. You thought with that height difference they had the same father? [Chuckles] Janine's dad is probably Kevin Hart or something. [Chuckles] 'Cause he short. [Laughs]
Janine: (to camera) So, unfun fact, I actually don't know who my dad is. I used to think about it a lot when I was younger, but then, you know, I guess I just kinda stopped. And I know Ava was joking, but my mom did know Kevin Hart in high school. And we're both really funny. So… mm.
Jacob: Hey, Ava, um, please tell me you got a chance to go over the field trip options. If we want to get the Natural History Museum, we got to move, like, ASAP because-
Ava: Oh. I forgot to tell you. Not happening. We don't have money for a field trip.
Jacob: So, what? We just cancel the trip this year? I would rather die.
Ava: My cousin Jamil just opened a cemetery.
Adorable Student: This school always finds a way to disappoint me.
Jacob: Okay, that's not great.
Ava: Well, if you can figure out a way to get money for a field trip, then you won't have to disappoint all of us.
Melissa: Barb, you really nailed this.
Barbara: Thank you.
Melissa: What? "Thanks, Moms"? What is that, sarcasm?
Gregory: Find what matches. That's how you know what's gonna rhyme, okay?
Barbara: Gregory. Can we talk to you, please?
Gregory: Uh, yeah. Um, I'll be right back, y'all. Um, is there something you need?
Barbara: Every other class has made touching tributes to their mothers for the hallway. And then I saw yours. Oh, it left much to be desired.
Gregory: Right, well, I told my students they could participate if they wanted to, and some of them did.
Melissa: Oh. [SCOFFS] Typical guy. You know, my brothers phone it in for Mother's Day, too. I mean, Tony's got an excuse. He's locked up. For a non-violent crime.
Barbara: Don't you want all of your students to participate? I mean, think about it. Wouldn't your mom be disappointed if you didn't do something special for her this year?
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Gregory: Um no. Um, because my mom passed away when I was nine.
Barbara: Oh, Gregory. I'm I'm sorry. I-I didn’t- Why didn't you bring this up before?
Gregory: There's not a lot of natural segues. Like, "Oh, how was your weekend?" "My mom died when I was nine.”
Melissa: Okay, well, maybe not that, but, you know, in that area.
Barbara: And I know this holiday must be difficult for you.
Gregory: It's really okay. I usually just stop by Topgolf. It's Mother's Day, so the dads are usually busy, so I have the whole place to myself.
Gregory's Student: Mr. Eddie, Damien won't stop poking me.
Gregory: Excuse me. What's going on with y'all today?
Melissa: Barbara.
Barbara: Oh. I cannot sit around knowing that young man will be sad and alone at Topless Golf.
Melissa: Okay, I think it's Topgolf.
Barbara: Well, either way, he should join us for family brunch on Sunday.
Melissa: That is a great idea.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Melissa: And you know what? Actually, so is Topless Golf. I mean, give me a warm climate, I'm down for eighteen.
Jacob: Hey, you got a sec? Ava says we don't have any money for a field trip, but I mean, we can't just- we can't just give up on it. How do you start a GoFundMe?
Janine: Jacob, you don't think height is genetic, do you?
Jacob: I mean, like, no field trip this year? That is- That really gets my goat. We just need, like, a little bit of coin and-
Janine: I mean, that'd be crazy if my dad, like, sold out Madison Square Garden for a comedy show.
Jacob: Wait, you're not being serious, are you? Ava was just being Ava.
Janine: Yeah, no, I know, but my mom actually did know him, so…
Jacob: Oh, really? Well, why don't you just call her up and ask?
Janine: No, that's too bananas. Unless… Yeah. Yeah. Sure. Why not? It is almost Mother's Day.
Jacob: Okay, you do that thing. I'm gonna get started on this thang.
Janine: Okay. [Sighs]
Vanetta: (over phone) Hey, girl. I'm just at the hair salon.
Janine: Oh, hey, Mom. You actually picked up.
Vanetta: (over phone) Oh, girl, I gotta save you as "daughter Janine." I thought you were "parole officer Janine." I'm actually in Canada.
Janine: Sure. I'll just get to the point then. Uh, Mom, you said you went to high school with Kevin Hart, right?
Vanetta: (over phone) Sure did. He was the star of the basketball team. He won the dunk contest and everything. Craziest [bleep] I've ever seen.
Janine: Yeah, that is crazy. You two didn't, like, date, right, or anything?
Vanetta: (over phone) Date? Girl, no. I would never. [Laughs] But we did [bleep] though. Look, I gotta go. Somebody is trying to put gravy on my fries. Now, hold up, Jack. What is this "aboot"?
Gregory: Look at us standing all nice and tall. Proud of you. You guys over here, don't stress. Life, uh, finds a way.
Barbara: Gregory, I see you talking to your plants.
Gregory: It's supposed to stimulate growth.
Barbara: Well, I read that the ones tended to the most grow the strongest.
Gregory: It's a delicate balance. Over-watering and over-pruning can sometimes smother a plant.
Barbara: Well, I'm having a Mother's Day gathering at my home on Sunday, and I would love it if you would join us.
Gregory: Oh, it's okay. Really. I'm good. Tha-
Barbara: Oh, we're going to have family and friends and a spread that even you will enjoy, and I won't take no for an answer.
Gregory: Okay. Well, I'll be there. Can I bring anything?
Barbara: Please don't. [Chuckles]
Gregory: (to camera) Obviously, this means a lot to Barbara, so I'll stop by. Swing by. Fly by. The point is, this is gonna be quick.
Janine: So, to find out if Kevin Hart is actually my dad, I'm contacting him on every platform, starting with Venmo.
Jacob: Love that for us.
Janine: Mm-hmm. And you would think I'd be requesting money. But no. Actually, I'm sending him a dollar.
Jacob: Whoa, what the "H"? I just got an e-mail saying that the GoFundMe for the field trip has been taken down. "Due to constant fraudulent activity, all fundraisers related to 'Abbott Elementary' have been suspended.
Ava: Damn, they shut it down already? Abott with one B, Abbottt with three T's, and Addington are burned, too.
Jacob: Burned? Ava, what did you do?
Ava: What didn't I do? You will never understand what it takes to be a principal. You could bust out Janine Teagues Elementary. No. No, that's stupid. Or is it?
Janine: I can hear you.
Ava: But you can't stop me.
Melissa: Jacob, why don't you just go to this week's PTA meeting? I mean, if they're gonna exist, they might as well do something.
Jacob: Oh. Oh. [Gasps] Oh, Melissa Schemmenti, you are good.
Melissa: Yeah, what a surprise. And, Janine, I don't know how nuts you want to get here, but I do know a guy who knows Kevin Hart's barber. I introduced him to his wife. Well, now his ex-wife, but technically, he still owes me. We get some of his hair run the DNA.
Mr. Johnson: Barbers. I hate 'em. Who do you think did this to me? The worst barber of all- time.
Janine: Melissa, that is demented. I love it.
Melissa: (to camera) Look, it drove my brother Seamus crazy not knowing who his dad was. That's why he drinks. And other reasons, too. And I don't want that for Janine.
Jacob: Tariq, my man, my dude, my prez. Hey, I was hoping we could talk funds for a potential field trip.
Tariq: Oh, what's up, Jacob? Oh, wait. That sounds dope. I love going on those.
Jacob: So, you can help fund it?
Tariq: Oh, no. Unh-unh. [Chuckles] Not with human money. We in the red, baby. Or the black. Which one means a negative cash flow?
Jacob: Is that- Is that sushi?
Tariq: Come on, man. Don't disrespect Mr. Yanaga like that. You know damn well this is nigiri.
Jacob: Don't you think you should be prioritizing activities that actually benefit the students?
Tariq: Let me break this down for you. We got to level up this food, make the PTA a club people actually wanna join. Then boom. We're gonna hit them with them higher mandatory donations. By 2027, quarter four, we'll be profitable.
Jacob: Okay, well, I can't wait until 2027.
Tariq: Quarter four.
Jacob: I was hoping to get something, like, the end of this year.
Tariq: Best I can offer is some volunteer chaperones, transportation, and kanpachi. Hmm. Get you one of these. Good, ain't it? Kanpai, Yanaga-san.
Barbara: [Gasps] Welcome, Gregory. I'm so happy you could make it. Niecey, come down! You know my husband. Melissa, I told you I will handle that.
Melissa: She's been like this all day.
Gerald: Honestly, she's been like this every holiday since her mom passed.
Barbara: I told you I got it.
Alicia: Can you take the macaroni and cheese out the oven?
Barbara: Right. In a moment. Everybody, please welcome Gregory, who's going to be spending Mother's Day with us because he had no place else to go.
Gregory: Not true. I did have somewhere else to go and still do.
Barbara: He's going to be a part of our family today because there was no way that I could let a fellow child of bereavement spend this day alone, isn't that right?
Georgette: Aunt Barbara, I need help with baby Maya.
Barbara: Alright, niecey.
Gerald: So sorry for your loss.
Gregory: It's okay. It was over twenty years ago.
Alicia: Are your family huggers?
Gregory: No.
Alicia: Well, we are here.
Gregory: Oh, okay. Mm. Thank you. Th-Thanks. Mm-hmm. Oh, hey, Taylor.
Taylor: This is my ex, Gregory.
Paul: Gregory. Nice to meet you. And your grief is Paul's grief.
Gregory: Oh, more touching. Okay. Okay. Thank you.
[“She’s a Bad Mama Jama” by Carl Carlton playing]
♪ Quite another mess ♪
♪ And Mama used to say ♪
♪ "Take your time, young man" ♪
♪ And Mama used to say ♪
Erika: Hey, y'all are ruining drag brunch for me.
Janine: I’m sorry. It's just that any second, I could find out if Kevin Hart is my dad. It's giving me a heart attack. Pun very much intended and pre-planned.
Erika: My fingers are crossed, girl. 'Cause I could finally pitch him my idea for Get Hard 2.
Jacob: Pbht. Come on. You wouldn't make a sequel to Citizen Kane.
Ava: Move over. There's no seats left anywhere.
Janine: Ava, what are you doing here?
Ava: My friend Lisa Condo is the best drag queen here.
Lisa Condo: Hey.
Ava: Hey, girl.
Lisa Condo: Hey. Is your house hunt dragging you down?
[Ava and Lisa Condo laugh]
Ava: Still no luck on the field trip, huh?
Jacob: How am I gonna look the children in the eye the rest of the year? I have failed them.
Ava: Jacob, you have no money, no help, and a hard-headed principal. Cheer up. It's gonna get worse before it gets worse. [Chuckles] What's wrong with you?
Erika: She waiting to find out if Kevin Hart is her daddy.
Ava: Damn. My words really have meaning, huh? [Chuckles] I should be more reckless.
Alicia: Barbara, where do you keep the Clorox? Baby Maya got sick.
Barbara: I will get it in a second, Alicia, but please take a seat. Alright, everyone. Before we feast, we are going to lift up our brother Gregory Eddie in prayer.
Gerald: Mm-hmm. We'll put healing hands on him.
Gregory: Oh. Oh, no, no, no. No, we don't need to do that.
Barbara: Alright, please. [Sighs] Everybody, bow your heads, and close your eyes. [Clears throat] Father God, we are gathered here to celebrate mothers, and also to empower Gregory Eddie.
Alicia: Yes, Lord. Mm.
Barbara: Please, Father, watch over- What was your mother's name?
Gregory: That's not necessary.
Melissa: Oh, sure, it is.
Gregory: It was, um, Faith.
Melissa: Here we go.
Alicia: Mm.
Gerald: Faith!
Barbara: Faith, the substance of things hoped for and the evidence of things unseen.
Paul: Yes, Lord.
Gerald: And just because he cannot see Faith doesn't mean he doesn't have faith that Faith is with him.
Paul: Faith.
Taylor: Ooh. Yes, Lord.
Gregory: [Whispering] Um… I gotta go.
Barbara: [Whispering] God is watching.
Gregory: Tee time.
Melissa: [Whispering] Close your eyes.
Barbara: [Normal voice] Father God, we are asking that you hold him close in your deepest bosom, since his mother is not here to do it herself.
Gerald: Yes, Lord, hold him tight, Lord.
Gregory: [Normal voice] Amen. Yes, Lord. Thank you. There it is. Uh-huh. This was great. Fantastic. Thank you so much.
Barbara: Uh, excuse me. Gregory. Gregory, where are you going?
Gregory: I’m sorry. I appreciate everything. Your family is lovely. I wanted to stop by for a bit, and I did. Now I have to head off to Topgolf.
Barbara: It's Mother's Day. You need to be around community.
Gregory: No, I need to be alone, hitting golf balls.
Barbara: Oh, that's so sad.
Gregory: It's not. Having to talk about my dead mother over and over again is sad.
Barbara: But we're honoring her. It's tradition.
Gregory: It's your tradition, not mine. Thank you for having me.
[“She’s a Bad Mama Jama” by Carl Carlton playing]
♪ She's a bad mama jama ♪
Janine: Can you imagine if Kevin Hart is my dad? Oh, no. Are people gonna think I got my job because I'm a nepo baby? Oh, my God. It's the DNA guy.
Ava: If he is your dad, you two should buy a trench coat, so you could go to R-rated movies. [Laughs]
Jacob: Well, aren't you gonna open it?
Janine: Mm-hmm. Okay.
Erika: Open the e-mail, Janine. And read with some flair.
Janine: Okay. "When it comes to twenty-seven year old Janine Teagues, Kevin Hart is not the father."
Lisa Condo: Whoo! That's right. Lock up that frown, doll. The girls are doing kicks!
Erika: Sorry, Janine.
Ava: Sorry, girl.
Jacob: I’ll get us a round.
Alicia: And watch over Barbara, Lord. She lost her mother some years ago. Please bring peace to her troubled soul.
Gerald: Mm-hmm. Let her grieve today.
Barbara: Hallelujah, amen.
All: Amen.
Barbara: Now, let's dig in.
Melissa: Okay.
Barbara: Oh, the pie!
Melissa: Let me help, Barb.
Barbara: I got it, Melissa. I got it. Oh! Ooh. I think it's overcooked.
Melissa: It's perfect, Barb. Something happen with Gregory?
Barbara: No, he just had to go. That's all.
Taylor: Mom, are you okay?
Barbara: I’m okay.
Melissa: Because, you know, today's a lot for one person to shoulder.
Taylor: And, Mom, today is about you, too. If you need a moment, just take a moment.
Melissa: Yeah. We got this.
Barbara: Maybe you're right.
Melissa: Yeah. Baby puke will be here when you get back. I'm kidding. I'll have someone clean it up.
Barbara: (to camera) Sometimes we can put an immense amount of pressure on ourselves to host the perfect gathering, to feel a certain way. And quite frankly, sometimes it's just overwhelming.
Lisa Condo: You enjoying the show?
Jacob: Definitely. Oh, I I only have fives left.
Lisa Condo: Thank you. [Chuckles] Well, if you enjoyed this, you should come and check out our performance of "A Midsummer Night's Queen" for our upcoming Shakesqueer In The Park. Entry's always free.
♪ Keep it coming, don't stop, mama ♪
♪ Give it to me ♪
Erika: Hey, you was fine before you got all this nonsense in your head, right?
Janine: Yeah, it's just it would've been nice to finally know.
Erika: I don't know who my dad is, and I turned out fine. Literally, look at me. [Chuckles]
Ava: Exactly. Janine, you'd rather have no dad than a neglectful one. Trust me.
Erika: True. I mean, look at you. How far you've made it? How beautiful your best friend is. Kevin Hart or any daddy wouldn't have changed that.
Ava: Yeah. You're still Janine, and that's not too bad.
Janine: (to camera) You know, your parents don't define who you are. I'm happy, and I stand on my own. I mean, I literally had to learn how to stand on my own.
Jacob: Houston, we have liftoff! We are having a field trip!
Ava: We're going to NASA?
Jacob: What? No.
Janine: Okay, what's the field trip?
Jacob: Museums are nice, but kids can have fun anywhere. They don't need some expensive trip. So, I was thinking Smith Memorial Playground. It's free.
Janine: Yes. And schools take field trips there all the time.
Ava: Ooh, that big wooden slide. Okay, NASA can wait.
Jacob: And Tariq said the PTA could chaperone. Ha! I have figured it out.
Ava: Boom! I've done it again. Is there no mountain too high?
Jacob: Okay, the only problem is we need to reserve it, like, now.
Janine: Oof. They are popular, and we need to make reservations for the entire school.
Erika: What you gonna do?
Janine: Maybe we could, like- Ava, if you could- Oh, no.
Jacob: Attention, everyone!
[Crowd booing]
Lisa Condo: Queens unite!
Jacob: Hi, everyone. [Clears throat] Um, listen, we need your help to reserve a park.
[Crowd groaning]
Janine: Wait, wait! For For children in need.
Ava: Yeah. Yeah. So, everyone, get on your phones and start reserving beaucoup slots at Smith Memorial Playground, and forward them over.
Lisa Condo: Yeah, you heard her! If you wanna see these hip vibrations, you better make them reservations.
Ava: We're a good team. So, shantay, you stay.
Lisa Condo: Okay.
Janine: And, Jacob, you come. You want to get off the stage?
Jacob: Yeah.
Janine: I feel like you should probably get off the stage.
Jacob: Thank you. You should come on. [Chuckles]
Barbara: This isn't as sad as I thought.
Gregory: Barbara, I'm not going back to your house.
Barbara: I know, I know. I came to apologize.
Gregory: You were just trying to make sure that I felt included. My mother was the same way, always trying to make sure that everyone was happy.
Barbara: She sounds like a wonderful person.
Gregory: She was the best. You know, on this day, everyone will always ask me about her, and they mean well, but it's the unexpected moments on random days.
Barbara: [Whispering] Yeah.
Gregory: I don't need Mother's Day to remind me to love my mom.
Barbara: [Normal voice] I can understand that. The other day, I was in a funk. And one of my students came up and made a funny face at me. My mother used to do the same thing, always reminding me not to take life too seriously.
Gregory: I love that.
Barbara: And now, if you will excuse me, I am going to swing a few home runs.
Gregory: I’ll leave you to it. [Chuckles]
Mr. Johnson: All I'm saying is I love bottomless mimosas. Why can't I be a part of the Brunch Squad?
Janine: Well, it's actually the Brunchy Bunch, but you know what? Next time you're coming, okay?
Ava: I told her to invite you. Janine never ceases to disappoint.
Janine: Who is this? Hmm. Oh, my God. Kevin Hart.
Ava: Kevin Hart?
Janine: Oh, my God.
Ava: You doing Cameos now? Damn. The game is crazy.
Kevin Hart: (over phone) So, you're Janine Teagues?
Janine: Yeah. Yes.
Kevin Hart: (over phone) Okay. Why- Why have you been harassing me on social media?
Janine: Oh, um, so, I am so sorry about that, Mr. Hart. Um, it's just that I thought that maybe you were my dad.
Kevin Hart: (over phone) Why would you think that?
Ava: Yeah. Why the hell would you think that?
Janine: Well, it's it's because, um, you know, my mom, she said that you guys went to high school together, and that you guys intercoursed each other. And, um, her name is Vanetta. You familiar?
Kevin Hart: (over phone) Oh [bleep] Vanetta. Yeah. I promise you it wasn't me, 'cause I strap up. Always have. So, unfollow me.
Janine: Alright, will do.
Kevin Hart: (over phone) On everything.
Janine: Sorry.
Kevin Hart: (over phone) Okay.
Janine: Okay.
Kevin Hart: (over phone) Oh [bleep] Mr. Johnson!
Mr. Johnson: [Laughs] Yeah. Great to see you again, my brother.
Janine: Yeah, Mr. Johnson also, he works here with me.
Kevin Hart: (over phone) I don't want to talk to you.
Janine: Oh, okay. Alright.
Kevin Hart: (over phone) I don't want to talk to you.
Janine: Okay. Bye.
