Zach and students: ♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪
♪ Over the hills and everywhere ♪
♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪
Janine: Zach, what are you doing here?
Zach and students: ♪ That Jesus Christ is born ♪
Jacob: Oh, he's in a flow state. He's not gonna answer unless it's in the form of a song.
Janine: ♪ Since when are you working here? ♪
Zach: ♪ I'm volunteering once a week ♪
♪ Working for free ♪
Students: ♪ Working for free ♪
Zach: ♪ Free ♪
Janine: Oh, that is so cool. He is really good.
Zach: (Vocalizing)
Jacob: His family takes caroling very seriously. Nobody is guaranteed a part.
Zach: ♪ Last year, Grandma had throat surgery ♪
♪ And we put her on backup bells ♪
Together: ♪ Backup bells! ♪
Zach: ♪ Rang out the angels' choir ... ♪
Jacob: Yeah, which is why you should be glad I am not coming. My voice is meant for spoken word.
Janine: Oh, wow. Jacob, I can't believe you're passing up the opportunity...
Zach: 2, 3, 4!
Janine: ...to go to Pittsburgh and sing carols.
Jacob: I don't want to risk being put on backup bells.
Zach and students: ♪ ...that Jesus Christ is born ♪
Jacob: ♪ That Jesus Christ is (Singing off-key) boooorn ♪
Zach: ♪ Okay, I feel way better about you not coming now. ♪
2, 3, 4!
♪ Go tell it on the mountain ♪
♪ Over the hills and everywhere ♪
(Maker's "Hold'em" playing)
♪♪
Janine: And Christmas for you...
(to camera) So, it's the last day of school before Christmas... Sorry. Holiday break.
And then I think Kwanzaa for you, Ariel.
(to camera) Not everyone celebrates Christmas, and I acknowledge that in my classroom.
And Randall. Happy holidays.
(to camera) Randall's a Jehovah's Witness. Honestly, the students are mostly just celebrating the religious practice of not coming to school for two weeks. The staff, too. Everyone's been working hard. It's gonna be nice to get some time off and just let loose a little bit. That's my plan, anyway. This is my first single holiday, and Erika is gonna straighten my hair, and we got new clothes, and she says it's cold out and guys need something to "rub up on."
So, we're gonna go out to a hookah bar tonight. And who knows? Maybe I'll "hoook" up with someone. But anyway, I'm just excited to get out of my work bubble and meet new people with my new look and get my "ho" on. Those are Erika's words. Not mine. I'm a teacher.
Mr. Johnson: "On, Dancer, on, Prancer, on, Donner and Blitzen. She slays holidays, it's the sweet Christmas Vixen."
Ava: Seasons greetings, Ava's elves! It is I, Principal Coleman Claus!
Barbara: Santa Claus just had a heart attack.
Ava: It's time for the gift exchange. Let's find out who's been naughty and who's been nice. And, remember, I only reward the naughty. Everyone who picked a name out of Mr. Johnson's ice skate last week, please gather 'round.
Mr. Johnson: Dorothy Hamill and I used to be a thing. This is all I have left of her.
Ava: Okay, I hope you guys all stuck to the $25 minimum.
Gregory: Um, I thought that was a maximum.
Ava: Stop limiting yourself. Thinking small's what's got you in a dead-end job in a poorly run school.
Gregory: Can't argue with that.
Janine: Um, can I go first? I got Mr. Johnson. So, you told me, against my will, that back when you were a nude art model, you didn't get to keep any of the things made in your likeness. So, I had a local artist make this, and only this, for you.
Teachers: Wow!
Mr. Johnson: Love it.
Janine: Yeah.
Woman: Aww.
Mr. Johnson: "To clean, or not to clean? That is the question."
Janine: (Laughter)
Ava: Alright, put your creepy little head down. It's your turn to gift.
Mr. Johnson: Merry Christmas, Melissa.
Melissa: Ah, for me. Okay, let's see. Dallas Cowboy bobbleheads?
Mr. Johnson: Yours to destroy in any way you see fit.
Melissa: Oh! I can finally break out my blowtorch. Yes! Okay, okay. Ava, I got you.
Barbara: Wait a minute, are you sure? Because I got Ava.
Gregory: Uh, I did, too.
Ava: Yeah, I put my name in a few times 'cause I knew all of your mediocre gifts would add up to one decent gift. Seventeen dollars to The Office Loft? I didn't think it would be yours, Gregory.
Jacob: Merry Capitalism to you all. Barbara, although I did not participate in the gift exchange, I did get you the humanely harvested poinsettia you asked for. Merry Christmas.
Barbara: Jacob. It's beautiful. And perfect for Melissa and my annual Christmas Lounge dinner.
Melissa: Every year, it's our tradition, on the last day of school before break...
Barbara: We bring in some food.
Melissa: Yeah, have a little wine.
Barbara: Mm-hmm. It's our own little slice of heaven, you know, in between school madness and family chaos.
Jacob: Oh, actually, I remember you guys doing that last year, when Zach and I were headed out on our Wildwood vacation.
Barbara: Where are you two headed this year?
Jacob: Oh, well, he's going to be with family, so it's just me here. Alone. By myself.
Melissa: Well, that sounds fun. Come on, Barb.
Barbara: What in the world?
Mr. Johnson: Looks like it's just you, me... and me.
("Carol of the Bells" plays)
Gregory: Hey. You leaving?
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: You don't want to stick around to see if Barbara drinks enough fun punch to do the heel toe?
Janine: Oh, no, I definitely do. But, um, I'm meeting Erika. So, I gotta go get ready.
Gregory: Oh. Leaving a school function early? That's new.
Janine: It is new. I am having a life outside of school.
Gregory: Well, that's nice. I'm also going out with some friends tonight.
Janine: Okay, cool. Well... I hope you have a good time, and enjoy your break.
Gregory: Yeah. You, too.
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: And I'll, um, see you next year?
Janine: See you next year.
Gregory: Alright.
Janine: Yeah, I'm gonna miss Gregory, but I'm gonna miss everybody. And that includes Gregory. And, you know, we've become really good friends this year. And he's doing so well with teaching and dating Amber.
Melissa: Okay, Mr. Johnson's gonna be here in a few. We got food. We got...
Barbara: Wine.
Melissa: Yeah. We got... Jacob.
Jacob: Did someone call Nine-Fun-Fun?
Melissa: You didn't.
Barbara: I did.
Jacob: I'm very grateful to you.
Melissa: Ooh.
Jacob: Don't worry. You will barely even notice I am here. Did you get my dietary restrictions?
Melissa: (to camera) I love Jacob. I do. But, you know what? He's a lot like paint fumes. Like, small doses ... fine, even somewhat enjoyable. But too much just gives you a headache.
Erika: Damn! It's early, and there's already fine-ass men in the line. Imagine how stupid fine the late ones gonna be.
Janine: Okay, so, will they just, like, come up to us, or... Like, how will they know we're thirsty? Should we pant?
Erika: Oh, no. Not thirsty. Just cute.
Janine: Okay.
Erika: Okay?
Janine: Okay.
Erika: Trust me. They'll know.
Janine: Okay.
Erika: If you stop doing that booby dance. Girl, save that for the club.
Janine: Okay.
Erika: Relax.
Janine: Yes. Relax.
Erika: Yeah.
Janine: Calm, cool, chill. Single, hot.
Erika: Yeah. Look, you left Teacher Janine at home.
Janine: Yeah.
Erika: Tonight, we getting turnt.
Janine: That's right. I'm Turnt Janine!
Erika: Don't have to make it an adjective.
Janine: Okay.
Erika: Okay? We cool.
Maurice: How y'all ladies doin' tonight?
Erika: Ooh. Fine. Thank you.
Maurice: Mm.
Gregory: Janine?
Janine: Gregory?
Gregory: S... J... Um, you're here.
Janine: I am here. Sorry. Do you, um... You come here often, or... I'm sorry. That sounds like a pickup line, but in this case, I'm being genuine.
Gregory: I mean, yeah, sometimes with friends.
Maurice: Hi.
Gregory: You look...
Janine: Yeah. You also look, um... I'm so sorry. I just was not expecting to see anyone from work here to... Ava?
Gregory: Ava's here?
Ava: Sorry. I don't speak line. Ladies, don't look at them.
♪ All of the other reindeer ♪
♪ Used to laugh and call him names ♪
♪ They never let poor Rudolph ♪
♪ Join in any reindeer games! ♪
♪ Then one foggy Christmas Eve... ♪
Erika: Girl, what's going on? You're giving very chaperone energy.
Janine: Just, I was... I was excited about coming out and, you know, letting loose, but now my coworkers are here, and my boss.
Erika: You are a grown-ass woman. It's only a big deal if you make it a big deal. Uh, and I'm certain your boss not gonna give a damn. Mm. That's an impressive circle twerk. Oh. I think that's my ex-boyfriend over there. I'm-a go say hi.
Janine: That's your ex?
Erika: Yeah, after I introduce myself, you know, start dating, get super clingy, and go through his phone, he might be. Have fun.
♪ Then all the reindeer loved him ♪
♪ As they shouted out with glee ♪
♪ "Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer ♪
♪ You'll go down in history" ♪
♪ Forever ♪
Barbara: Here you go.
Jacob: Ugh, I'm sorry, but Zach has been singing this song nonstop, and I just cannot anymore.
Melissa: Okay, I get charity during the holidays, but, Barb, this is Mother Teresa level.
Barbara: Can we not?
Jacob: Are you talking about Mother Teresa? Did you know she was actually a huge racist? Hey, thanks again for including me in your tradition.
Barbara: And we are happy to have you, Jacob.
Jacob: I'm sure you already know that Christmas was essentially invented by Charles Dickens' "A Christmas Carol," right?
Barbara: Maybe we can just focus on...
Jacob: It's because of him that this time of year has turned into such a materialist bacchanal.
Melissa: Oh, that guy sounds really annoying.
Jacob: Beyond. He took a great tradition and turned it into something miserable.
Melissa: Can't imagine why anybody would do something like that.
Jacob: Me neither. Some people, you know?
Melissa: Yeah, I sure do.
Barbara: Melissa.
Melissa: I'm agreeing with him.
Maurice: Hey, it looks like your coworker needs somebody to talk to.
Gregory: Ah, no. I don't think I should. We was just at work...
Maurice: I'm talking about me. Yeah, she's super cute. Short, too. Just my type. But is she tall enough to ride all of the rides? Let's find out.
Gregory: Ah, no, no, Mo. You don't want to do that. You don't. She's ... She's more of a relationship type. And I know that's not what you're looking for.
Maurice: Oh. Whatever.
Gregory: Yeah.
Maurice: There's plenty of fish in the sea. What about her? She kinda tall. That's also my type. She can definitely ride all the rides.
Gregory: I mean, you're gonna regret it.
Maurice: That's perfect.
Gregory: No, no, no, no. Okay, Mo, come here. Look, how about anybody other than my coworkers? Anybody else.
Maurice: Whatever, man.
Gregory: Anybody else.
Maurice: Ooh, hey.
Gregory: See?
♪ Make it bounce like her booty do, booty do ♪
♪ She make it bounce like her booty do, booty do ♪
♪ I told her bounce like her booty do ♪
Man: Okay.
♪ I keep bread at all times ♪
♪ Pigeon food ♪
♪ Comin' to the stage, shawty tryna see ♪
♪ Shawty make it pump like 35 on 3 ♪
♪ Nah'Tum'Bout ♪
♪ Promissory cake for the D ♪
♪ Big spenders wit' ya stash times three ♪
♪ Nah'Tum'Bout ♪
♪ Shawty use to dance on da weekend ♪
Gregory: Hey.
Janine: Hey.
Gregory: How about half of Abbott Elementary being here?
Janine: Is Barbara here? Oh, my God, I'm gonna throw up.
Gregory: No. No, no, no, no. She's not here. There's too much sinning going on.
Janine: Oh.
Gregory: Just Ava alone is...
Janine: Yeah. So, where's Amber?
Gregory: Oh, she's at home.
Janine: Oh, okay.
Gregory: Um... Uh, at her... her home, not my... We don't... We don't live together. I'm... I'm...
Janine: I didn't think that you...
Gregory: I'm just having a boys' night out.
Janine: Okay. Yeah.
Gregory: With... Yo.
Janine: Yeah, he's great.
♪ I told her bounce like her booty do ♪
Gregory: Yo, it seems like we're the only ones not, like, dancing or mingling.
Janine: I know. I know. We are weird.
Gregory: Sh ... Should we go out there and be normal together?
Janine: Yeah. I enjoy the act of being normal. I love it. Yeah.
Gregory: Then let's ... let's be normal.
Janine: Okay. Yeah.
Gregory: Yeah.
Janine: Two people dancing.
Gregory: Uh-huh.
Janine: Mingling.
Gregory: Yeah.
Janine: Being normal.
Gregory: After you.
Janine: Okay.
♪ ...drug dealer, thug or overseas ♪
Jacob: All I'm saying is, like a lot of things, Christmas trees are stolen pagan traditions. That doesn't bother you? Like...
Melissa: You know what? It really does. I'm gonna head outside and see if I can't get over it.
Barbara: What a lovely idea.
Jacob: But... it's 30 degrees out.
Melissa: My liquor coat will make it a toasty 42.
Jacob: You know, while I got you, Rudolph... Created by advertisers.
Mr. Johnson: To sell what? Red noses? Boy, you sound ridiculous.
♪ Two bad broads looking like they down right ♪
♪ Baby, tell me, is you down right? ♪
♪ My squad, real stop, messing with them clowns right ♪
Gregory: Huh? What'd you say?
Janine: I didn't say anything.
Gregory: (Laughs) Yeah, that was funny.
Janine: Do you like this song?
Gregory: Oh, I don't dance to songs I don't like. I don't want the DJ to get the wrong idea.
Janine: You know what? I don't like it that much, either.
Gregory: (Laughs) Yeah, me, too.
Erika: (Laughing) Can I grab her real quick?
Gregory: Huh?
Erika: Thank you. Hey, girl.
Janine: Hey.
Erika: You having fun?
Janine: I am.
Erika: Doing a little step touch?
Janine: You know it. Getting freaky.
Erika: Okay. No! Girl, you acting like you got a man at home, and last time I checked, you don't. I thought you was supposed to be turning up tonight.
Janine: Yeah, I know. I'm just... I'm working up to it.
Erika: You've been working up to it for months. Turn that ass up!
Janine: Okay. I-I will.
Erika: You will what? I need to hear you say it.
Janine: I will...
Erika: Come on. Say it, baby girl.
Janine: I will...
Erika: You will what?
Janine: I will turn that ass up!
Erika: That's right. Now go ahead and make Juvenile proud. Come on.
Janine: Okay. Hey.
Gregory: Hey.
Jacob: Will you try the cake I brought? No one has even touched it.
Mr. Johnson: You're ruining Christmas, man!
Jacob: Oh, come on. My cake can't be that bad, can it? (Laughs) Oh.
Mr. Johnson: I'm not talking about the cake. Listen, I don't like Christmas either. You know what tinsel can do to a vacuum? But you don't see me raining on everyone's parade!
Jacob: Oh, I think Barbara and Melissa enjoy my withering takes on, uh...
Mr. Johnson: They chose frostbite over your withering takes.
Jacob: Yeah, I mean... okay, I guess I could dial back the anti-Kringle rhetoric a bit.
Mr. Johnson: You gotta do more than that. This is over the top! What is your deal?!
Jacob: There is no deal, man. I...
Mr. Johnson: You can't lie to a janitor. Plumbers, on the other hand...
Jacob: (Sighs) Look, Christmas is not my favorite thing, okay? I don't have a lot of good memories around it.
Mr. Johnson: Well, you had a good chance to make a good Christmas memory tonight, and you blew it! This is the only time these ladies really get a break, and you're grinching up the place!
Jacob: You know what? Night's not over yet.
Mr. Johnson: (Sighs) Finally get to enjoy this nasty ass cake in silence.
Barbara: Okay, next year, we'll go back to just you and me.
Melissa: You sure you won't miss being visited by the ghost of NPR's past?
Jacob: Ooh! Ladies! Don't move! I'll be right back! Or you can move. Just, uh, don't leave.
(Tires screech, horn honks)
Merry Christmas to you, too, buddy!
Barbara: That boy!
Melissa: Let's go back inside now.
Barbara: Ugh.
♪ Pull up in the back ♪
♪ Jump out that coupe ♪
Gregory: Ooh. You good?
Janine: Yep.
Gregory: You sure?
Janine: Yeah.
♪ I'm stating the facts ♪
♪ Better stomp that yard ♪
♪ Before you ever try to step to this cat ♪
♪ Yeah, want to ride for the team? ♪
♪ She like, "Hell yeah" ♪
Ava: What the... Not my work husband grinding on my work nemesis. Pour me something cheap so I can spit it out. Hit me again.
♪ I don't really care if you knocking my style ♪
♪ I could just stare at those curves ♪
♪ Hanging on every word ♪
♪ You wear that thing that I like ♪
♪ Bottle of Ace on some ice ♪
♪ Close as we ever been ♪
Ava: Damn, Janine. Why you can't move like that during step practice? Gregory, no notes.
Janine: You know, I'm-a go get some air.
Gregory: Yeah, I'm-a... I'm-a join you.
Janine: Okay.
Ava: Gregory, you still owe me a body shot.
Jacob: Merry Christmas!
(Tires screech, horn honks)
Seriously?!
(Door rattling)
Oh, no, no, no, no! Oh, God. Ooh!
Mr. Johnson: What are you doing?
Jacob: Saving Christmas!
Mr. Johnson: Run! Run, Forrest, run!
Jacob: No, wait! Wait, don't go yet.
Melissa: Jacob, I'm sorry, but I can't hear one more story about how Santa's the devil himself.
Jacob: Well, actually, in some cultures... You know, never mind. Uh, you both love Christmas so much, and I have been nothing but a real Grinch all night. I come to you with gifts, as a token of my humble apology.
Barbara: Tastykakes, candy... scratchers?
Melissa: Ooh. Yes.
Jacob: They were out of hot chocolate, but I got room-temperature Yoohoo.
Barbara: I will stick with the candy.
Jacob: This has been, like, one of the greatest Christmas experiences I've ever had.
Melissa: Greatest? (Scoffs) No wonder you hate Christmas so much.
♪♪
Jacob: Look, the holidays are a tough time for me. Okay? I got a lot of bad memories around Christmas. It's usually a lot of fighting, a lot of dysfunction. So, I'm... I'm really sorry I ruined it for both of you.
Barbara: Oh. Thank you for sharing, Jacob. And thank you for the gifts. That was very thoughtful. And you see, Melissa, the spirit of Christmas has worked its magic after all.
Melissa: Yeah, and I won 3 bucks. Merry Jacob-mas.
Janine: Whew! There's not a lot of ventilation in there.
Gregory: Yeah, which is what you want when you're inhaling a lot of secondhand smoke.
(Both laugh)
Gregory: Okay.
Janine: (Shivers) That was a fun dance. That was fun.
Gregory: Yeah. It was fun.
Janine: Right?
Gregory: Yeah. It's... I haven't done that in a while.
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: Yeah.
Janine: Oh. Wow. Snow?
Gregory: Beautiful.
♪♪♪♪
(Cellphone vibrates)
Um...
Janine: Is that Amber?
Gregory: Yeah. Um, she decided to come out. And I guess she's at a bar around the corner.
Janine: Oh.
Gregory: She wants me to meet her.
Janine: Yeah. Yeah, no, for sure. You should go. Adiós, mi amigos. Feliz cumpleaños.
Gregory: That's Happy Birthday.
Janine: I know. I don't know why I'm speaking Spanish.
Gregory: You gonna be good if I, um...
Janine: Have a good break, Gregory. (Chuckles)
Gregory: Have a good break, Janine.
♪♪♪♪
Maurice: Hey. Have you seen Gregory? I'm sorry. Looks like you're in deep thought.
Janine: No, it's... Gregory just left.
Maurice: Hey, you know what's crazy? It takes, like, an hour for a snowflake to go from cloud to ground.
Janine: That's cool. How'd you know that?
Maurice: I drink a lot of Snapple, so I kinda know some facts. I figured you would like it 'cause it's science. Gregory told me about the egg drop you did for your students.
Janine: He told you about that?
Maurice: I work at UPS, so it's kind of like an egg drop every day, you know? We drop packages and...
Janine: (Laughs)
Maurice: I'm Maurice. You're Janine, right?
Janine: Yeah.
Jacob: Um, look, I was thinking I would come to Pittsburgh after all. I cannot wait to eat endless ham and sing those carols. Well, maybe I could just, like, hum along. Me, too. Alright, great. Bye.
♪ Good tidings we bring ♪
♪ To you and your kin♪
♪ Good tid... ♪
Woman: Alright, bye, girl.
Ava: Bye, child. See you later. What are you doing out here? You know short people freeze the fastest. Where's your friend?
Janine: She's otherwise occupied.
Ava: So, you're just standing out here by yourself? Did you even meet anybody tonight, or did you waste all your time dancing with Gregory?
Janine: I actually did meet somebody. But I think I'm gonna call it a night and go home, so...
Ava: Well, me and my boyfriend are going to another bar, and you all dressed up and looking good. God knows when that's gonna happen again, so... you're coming with us.
Janine: That actually sounds fun. Thank you. Wait, you have a boyfriend?
Ava: You thought I was single? (Scoffs)
Janine: So, who is this boyfriend of yours? And, like, how long has it been? And what's his name?
Ava: Janine, I know we're not in school and it's the holidays, but I'll still fire you.
Janine: Okay, just start with how long you've been dating him.
Ava: Well, he's been dating me for five years, but I've only been dating him for two.
Iggy: You ready, babe? Hope you're not too tired from all that dancing.
Ava: Just got a second wind.
Janine: Are you three-time NBA champion Andre lguodala?
Iggy: Four-time.
Janine: Oh.
Iggy: You must be Janine.
Janine: I am.
Iggy: You're even shorter than Ava said. Call me Iggy.
Ava: Don't call him anything.
Iggy: She's so funny.
Janine: (Squeals) Wow. Oh. Yeah, I'll just get in on the other side. (Laughs)
