Young Teacher: Can I grab a doughnut?
Melissa: (As Travis Bickle) You talkin' to me? I... You talkin' to me? Must be talkin' to me. There ain't nobody else here.
Young Teacher: I am talking to you. Can I please have a doughnut?
Melissa: (Normal voice) Yeah, go ahead.
Janine: (to camera) Melissa is (clears throat) bad at impressions.
Jacob: (to camera) (Breathes deeply) And we are scared to tell her.
Janine: (Chuckles) We just did impressions of each other.
Jacob: Could you tell?
Janine: (Laughs)
Melissa: Guys! Come get a doughnut. Come on. Get 'em while they're fresh.
Gregory: Surprising no one, I do not like doughnuts, so for that reason, I will decline your offer.
(to camera) I actually love doughnuts. (Chuckles)
Melissa: (As Vito Corleone) You come to my house on the day my doughnut is to be married, and you ask me for a fritter.
(Normal voice) Only one?
Janine: Yeah.
Melissa: (As the Terminator) You'll be back.
(As Forrest Gump) Life is like a box of choc...
Jacob: Melissa, you're bad at impressions! You're...
Melissa: (As the Soup Nazi) No doughnut for you!
Barbara: Okay. Now, that was good.
(Maker's "Hold'em" playing)
♪♪
Jacob: Class, pay attention. Mrs. Howard has graciously sacrificed her free period to encourage you all to get more involved in the fundraiser. For the record, I hate hustle culture, but this is important.
Barbara: Thank you, Mr. Hill. Unfortunately, this fundraiser is a necessary evil. But when you are out there selling your candy, hold your head up high. We are not asking for handouts.
Jacob: Well...
Barbara: (to camera) I'm leading the fund-raising effort for the field trip to the Franklin Institute. It is so important for our students to experience a world-renowned science museum. And we may not have discretionary funds, but we've got grit, guts, and a lot of chocolate.
Always make strong but respectful eye contact.
Jacob: Ooh, I got one. In the words of Biggie Smalls, "Never get high on your own supply." Baby, baby.
(Students groan)
Barbara: And what do we say when someone refuses your offer?
Vic: Suck it, boomer!
(Students laugh)
Barbara: I don't know who Boomer is, but no. What we say is, "Thank you for your time."
All: Thank you for your time.
Barbara: Hmm.
Passerby: No, thank you.
David: Ms. Teagues, people aren't paying attention to us.
Janine: Don't give up yet, David. Sometimes you just got to put on a little show, you know, so that they can't ignore us, right?
Student: Excuse... Excuse me, ma'am.
Janine: It's not the most current dance, but, uh, I do it really well, so...
David: Hello, sir. May I interest you in some delicious candy?
Maurice: Hell no. Good luck with your fake basketball team, though.
Janine: Oh, hey, Maurice, you came.
Maurice: Yeah, you know I love an impromptu slide. Wait. So these are your students selling the candy?
Janine: Yes, but, you know, they're a little sad because people aren't really buying, so...
Maurice: I hate to see the lil' homies down.
Janine: Yeah.
Maurice: What about $10 worth of candy?
Janine: Really?
Maurice: Yeah, of course.
Janine: Wow! Thank you. Guys...
Maurice: That's called game. You'll know about it one day.
Janine: (to camera) Maurice and I have been texting since we met at the hookah bar, and it turns out he lives really close by. He sends a lot of pictures of white celebrities that look alike. And he never says "lol" or "lmao" or, like, "hahaha." He actually sends a voice message of himself laughing. Like, listen.
Maurice: (Laughing)
Janine: (Laughs)
Maurice: Hoo!
Janine: Yeah, he's just a really genuine guy, so.
Maurice: I was wondering, you know, maybe we can get together sometime? Without children present. Unless you want to go, like, bowling or to the movies or mini golf. Man, children really be everywhere.
Janine: So, like a date?
Maurice: If you say yes. If not, I'm suggesting a group activity.
Janine: Okay. Well, I say yes.
Maurice: Cool.
Mr. Johnson: Come on, now. I don't bite.
Jacob: Oh. Whose cat is this?
Mr. Johnson: I don't know, I just found him in here. He won't budge. Think I'll get some bacon from the lunch lady, try to lure him out.
Jacob: Cats are pescatarians!
Mr. Johnson: You're telling me this cat believes in God?
Jacob: What... N... Let me show you how it's done, okay? Come here. Come here little Cinnamon Cupcake Hill.
Mr. Johnson: His name is Milton.
Jacob: Okay. I'm pretty sure nobody would ever name a cat "Milton."
(Cat meows)
Jacob: Hi.
Ava: What you doing here, Henry? Came to warn me about a flood? (Laughs)
Henry: I just had another growth spurt, and I don't know if I'm gonna be able to get a new pair of pants before the end of the year. I'm getting roasted alive out here.
Ava: What they saying? "Ever think about introducing your pants to your shoes?"
Henry: Oh, man. So funny.
Ava: These should work.
Henry: Thanks, Principal Coleman.
Ava: I see you selling those Wonka Bars. Let me hear your sales pitch.
Henry: Pssh. Do I have to?
Ava: Yes, Bruce Banner in the middle of a transformation, you do.
Henry: Excuse me, sir, ma'am, or otherwise identifying human. Sorry to interrupt your day. My school is raising money to see science. Would you consider buying a chocolate bar?
Ava: Boy, you couldn't sell a scarf to Lenny Kravitz with that pitch. Who taught you to sell like that?
Henry: Mrs. Howard.
Ava: Of course. She's still using the tactics of a man who could turn water into wine and still only had 12 friends. Now go put those pants on before I think of another joke.
Henry: See you later, Principal Coleman.
Ava: Before you go, how long have Chris and Liam been lost?
Henry: Who?
Ava: Chris and Liam. 'Cause you missing a couple Hems-worths. (Laughs) Here all night.
Barbara: And now to update our total.
Janine: (Chuckles) Whoo!
(Drumroll continues)
Yay!
(Marker squeaks)
Oh.
Jacob: No.
Melissa: Okay, look, we don't need money to go. We just pick the locks on the doors of the Franklin Institute. Yeah, just get one open in the back, cause a commotion in front, and while everyone's distracted, you just file a couple hundred kids past. I got this.
Barbara: And as foolproof as that sounds, I think we're gonna have to cancel the field trip.
Janine: Oh, God, but the kids are so excited!
Melissa: That's really helpful, Janine.
Ava: (Laughs)
Jacob: Okay. She's robbed a child.
Ava: Relax, Conan O'Crien. These are Franklin Franklins. I just took a few of the kids under my wing, and we sold out faster than a Black politician.
Barbara: Thank you, Ava. But I'm about ready to throw in the towel.
Ava: Are you sure? 'Cause it seems like I could solve this thing like that. But if you insist on failing, I could just take this money and put it towards my jet ski fund. Lake Wallenpaupack, here I come! Reer, reer! (Laughs)
Jacob: Well, based on a quick calculation, if Ava keeps this up, we would definitely hit our goal.
Ava: That's what I've been trying to say to y'all.
Melissa: You know, Barbara, I know the last thing you want to do is work with Ava, but maybe just this one time, it's worth it.
Janine: Yeah. You know, for... for the kids.
Barbara: Ava.
Ava: Mm.
Barbara: I will be taking some students to sell candy after school. Would you like to join us?
Ava: I would love to spearhead this get schmoney project. Say I'm a hero.
Barbara: No.
Ava: Say I'm a hero.
Barbara: No.
Ava: Say it. You're thinking it, though.
Barbara: All right, students, Principal Coleman is going to take the lead today. She has a few new tactics that she thinks can help us. But please do not forget everything that I taught you.
Ava: Do forget everything she taught you. Toss it right out of the window. First lesson... act like you've already made a sale. Courtney, you're with me. How many bars did you say you wanted?
Passerby: What?
Ava: I said, how many candy bars did you tell this adorable child that you would be purchasing?
Passerby: Fine. I'll take one. You got change?
Ava: Some people might ask for change, but those people aren't Sam Cooke, so change is not gonna come. Sorry, we don't have change.
Courtney: Yoink.
Ava: Next lesson. Nobody likes to buy things from happy people, so I suggest you come up with an illness for yourself. My go-to is polio.
Barbara: Ava, no.
Ava: Barb, polio is back. Poke yourself in the eyes if you have to. Tears might as well have dollar signs in them. And you're gonna wanna look out for liberal white people.
Jacob: Actually, I consider myself to be a progressive.
Courtney: Is there a difference?
Ava: You'll be able to spot them, because they'll be making this face. If you can't sell candy bars to them, you're unteachable.
Malika: Ow!
Jacob: Oh, Malika, are you okay?
Malika: No. But I'd feel a lot better if you bought some candy from me, an at-risk Black youth.
Barbara: All right, that's it! You've gone too far. May I have a word with you, Ava?
Ava: We'll be right back.
Jacob: Ava, I thought you wanted me here for an educational emergency.
Ava: Oh, you played your part. Thank you.
Barbara: Ava, when I asked for your help, I did not think that you would be turning our students into a bunch of scammers! And you are lucky that God still needs people to forgive.
Ava: Well, I don't know what to tell you, Barbara. This is how you break through the noise. You can go back to doing it how you were, but you know where that's gonna get you.
Barbara: But you just go too far. These tactics are aggressive, they're predatory. I feel like a check-cashing store.
Ava: Fine, I'm sure we could come to a compromise and still reach our goal.
Barbara: No lying. And no racial profiling.
Ava: Those were the same rules I had when I was selling for the ACLU.
Barbara: Oh.
Ava: American Candy Lovers United.
Janine: Oh. Hey, Gregory. How was Podcast Club?
Gregory: Well, Ava needed Jacob for what was obviously a fake emergency, so it was just me and the kids.
Janine: Mm.
Gregory: It's actually the best it's ever been. How was step without Ava?
Janine: Oh, Shayla said my choreography was so old, I got it from Shakespeare. Then all the kids started calling me Stomp the Bard, so pretty much the same.
Gregory: (Laughs)
Janine: It's good. Oh, hey, guess who I ran into yesterday.
Gregory: Jacob?
Janine: Uh, no.
Gregory: Melissa?
Janine: No.
Gregory: Barbara?
Janine: Okay, I guess it was more rhetorical, but Maurice! Yeah. And guess what. Actually, don't. He asked me out on a date. (Chuckles)
Gregory: Um... wow.
Janine: Right? Or no? I can't tell by your reaction.
Gregory: Uh, uh, um, no, no, no. It's... It's good. Just, uh... Hmm. Um... Just be careful.
Janine: Why? Is he a derelict? Oh, my God. Is he a ne'er-do-well?
Gregory: No, no. He's just, um... He's one of those all-or-nothing kind of guys. Intense. I just, you know, wanted to give you a heads-up.
Janine: Well, if he's someone you need to give me a heads-up about, then why is he one of your best friends?
Gregory: I think we both know that being friends is different than dating. Look, I'm not trying to talk bad about Maurice.
Janine: Really? 'Cause it kinda seems like you are.
Gregory: No, it's just, if this doesn't end well, I don't want it to blow back on me.
Janine: Oh, okay. Well, I get that. I do. But I promise you won't have to worry about any back getting blown.
Gregory: I gotta go.
Janine: Yeah, me too.
Gregory: Uh-huh.
Janine: Okay. You know what? I'm just... I'm gonna to my... Thanks.
Barbara: There you go.
Ava: Oh, Barb! I have a special announcement I need you to read.
Barbara: Oh, please. Does it have to be me? I've got to get back to my classroom.
Ava: Just read it.
Barbara: (Sighs)
(Loudspeaker beeps)
(Clears throat) "Good morning, Abbott. After a few incredible days of fund raising, we have reached our goal, and we are going to the Franklin Institute! Due in no small part to Principal Coleman. Though gorgeous, the... "
(Button clacks)
I'm not reading the rest of this. We did it, Ava!
Ava: And we technically have one more day of fund raising left. We could keep going!
Barbara: No, no, no. I don't wanna push it.
Ava: Oh, come on, Barb! If we expand to a new market and go hard, there's no telling how much we could raise. We might even be able to get a part-time librarian instead of just an Alexa with glasses. Who knows what else!
Barbara: Mm.
Jacob: I just don't think you're supposed to give milk to cats.
Mr. Johnson: Every cartoon says you can.
Jacob: Cartoons... Milk propaganda at its finest. Did you put any more thought into getting him microchipped?
Mr. Johnson: Why? So Bill Gates can sign him up for a credit card he doesn't need?
Melissa: Hey, have you looked at the menu for the spot Mo's taking you to yet? 'Cause you should already know what you're ordering before you get there. Decisive women are hot.
Janine: Well, I don't wanna get anything too, too messy, so I'm gonna get the beef ribs.
Jacob: Oh, tell Melissa what Mo did.
Gregory: Oh, so we're all just calling him Mo now. That's...
Janine: Well, he bought a bunch of candy from my kids. So sweet. Delicious pun intended.
Melissa: Aww! Disposable income.
Gregory: You know what? That reminds me. I actually wanted to, um, buy some candy. I was planning on it before we started talking about this, so I'm happy it came up 'cause I would like to do it right now.
Janine: My kids aren't here right now.
Melissa: Yeah. Can't you buy it from your own students?
Jacob: Don't you hate candy?
Gregory: Why are you guys making it so hard for me to support young entrepreneurs?
Janine: Oh, okay. No, no, no, no. I appreciate you, Gregory. Thank you for supporting our students.
Melissa: Just like Mo!
Janine: (Laughs)
Jacob: I thought we'd agreed you'd put him down for a nap.
(Cat meows)
Mr. Johnson: We did no such thing.
Jacob: Well, it looks like Cinnamon Cupcake Hill could use a nap. Isn't that right, my little four-legged floofikins?
Mr. Johnson: You know, there's a type of nap that's actually named after cats. If he needs to sleep, he will.
Jacob: Well, I am sorry for being attentive. Once again, I'm the bad guy for caring too much.
Mr. Johnson: "Yit-dit-dit-dit-dee. Yap, yap, yap." You're so passive aggressive.
Jacob: You know what? Fine. Ruin his sleep schedule. But I'm not gonna stay here with him all night when he's got the zoomies.
Mr. Johnson: Fine by me. I sleep at the school all the time!
(Cat meows)
(Door opens)
Barbara: Oh, they're doing such a good job. I'm afraid we're gonna run out of candy!
Ava: I know, right? These kids could sell a humid day to a silk press. I got Henry out here running up the score.
Barbara: Oh, here comes Delisha Sloss.
Ava: Ain't that that school-board member you blackmailed? Make her buy some candy.
Barbara: Oh, I don't have to make her do anything. They're probably coming from the pancake house in the mall, drunk on syrup and ready to spend. Well, hello. And wonderful to see you all.
Delisha: And to you, as well, Sister Howard. I had a feeling these were Abbott students milling about. You never see any students from Addington Charter doing this sort of thing.
Barbara: Well, by "this sort of thing," I'm sure you mean being resourceful to fill in the gaps left by the district. Mm. Would you like to buy some candy?
Tiniest Kid: One dollar, please?
Delisha: Is the candy $1 or $2?
Barbara: He is correct. It is $1.
Delisha: Well, that's strange. I already bought a candy bar from that young man over there earlier, and he said it was $2.
Barbara: Well, I'm sure there's some sort of a mistake. Henry! Henry, would you come over here, please?
Henry: Yes, Mrs. Howard?
Barbara: This lady says that you sold her one candy bar for $2 when they only cost $1. Please explain.
Ava: Get it, get it.
Henry: Um...
Ava: Get it, get it.
Henry: Uh...
Ava: Yep, wave it. Oww!
Barbara: (Sighs) Give the lady her change, please.
Delisha: I can't say I'm surprised to see you shaking down people again. It's simply not church-like.
Ava: Ooh, ain't nothin' but money out here. Come on, get that sign...
Barbara: Ava, did you know that the students were overcharging for the candy?
Ava: Oh, yeah. I told them to do it. Great job, Henry.
Barbara: Why would you tell the children to overcharge for the candy?
Ava: It's called an incentive. It's why, even after all the kids knew the Ava Coleman method, my group is still outselling yours like three to one.
Barbara: What have they been doing with the extra money?
Ava: Whatever they want. It's their commission. Have you never worked retail?
Barbara: I have been re-telling the principles of the Bible my entire life. And that is why I am livid that you are teaching these children to steal!
Ava: Steal? Okay, hold on now...
Barbara: Henry got caught overcharging Sister Sloss, and I was humiliated in front of my co-workers in Christ.
Ava: Didn't that woman steal from your church?
Barbara: That is beside the point.
Ava: I don't know that it is.
Barbara: No field trip is worth corrupting these students. You and I had a deal, and I made a terrible mistake trusting you.
Tiniest Kid: You wanna pinch my cheeks? My mom says it helps.
(Door opens) (Door shuts)
Melissa: Well, it's gonna be a fun one today at Abbott Elementary. Okay, listen, I'm no lawyer, but I know a thing or two about arbitration. My ex and I were able to settle custody of our season tickets to the Phillies out of court like adults.
Jacob: I just want what is best for Cinnamon Cupcake Hill.
Mr. Johnson: All you do is work. Milton barely knows who you are.
Jacob: He lives at my job!
Melissa: Okay, okay, enough. Let's get to the bottom of this. Jacob, what do you want?
Jacob: CC should live with me and Zach in a two-parent household, not some geriatric bachelor pad.
Mr. Johnson: You don't know what kind of pad I have or how many parents live there! Although, my furniture is all leather. Oh, and a suede loveseat.
Melissa: So it's sorted. Cat will live with Jacob full-time but does every other weekend with Mr. Johnson. You get all the fun and little-to-no responsibility. Believe me, your upholstery will thank me for it.
Gregory: You want a chocolate? You like chocolate, right? There you go. Yeah.
Jacob: What, you're giving these away?
Gregory: You're very observant.
Jacob: (Chuckles) I get that all the time. People tell me I have quite the eye for detail. Well, maybe not an eye for detail, but I am very good at picking up on subtle social cues.
Gregory: You thought Mr. Morton had a crush on you last year.
Jacob: (Clears throat) Well, that was before I realized I have an insecure attachment style. I now recognize it for the disdain that it is.
Gregory: Jacob, what do you want?
Jacob: I don't know, man. You just been weird about that candy. And as somebody who knows your spirit, that ain't you. And the whole Mo thing? I mean, you seemed not edgy, but, like, jealous. Oh, my God is a woman! Gregory, Gregory, Gregory! Stop or I'll scream.
Gregory: (Sighs)
Jacob: Do you like Janine?
Gregory: You're projecting.
Jacob: No, if I was projecting, I would say, "Do you love Janine?" Because I love Janine. I said "like."
Gregory: You sound ridiculous.
Mr. Johnson: The plot thickens.
(Cat meows)
Ava: You got something to say to me, then just say it.
Barbara: I already did.
Ava: Well, if you got something else to say to me, then just say it. But what you not gon' do is give me the cold shoulder in this school that I own.
Barbara: Again, the principal runs the school, does not own the school.
Ava: You know how many times Henry comes to my office needing pants or lunch money or something?
Barbara: I'm happy he trusts you enough to ask for help.
Ava: It doesn't matter how much he trusts me. I want to teach him to make extra money to pocket so he can take care of himself. Some of our students don't have it like that.
Barbara: I have been an educator longer than you have been alive, and I am well aware of our students' many stressors and financial situations. But that does not mean that they should lie, cheat, or scam.
Ava: Nobody got hurt because he sold that candy for a little more.
Barbara: I...
Ava: And the only reason you get to have "morals" about this is because you can afford them. You didn't grow up having to make hard choices. I did. And what you call "scamming" got me by. And look at me now. I own a school.
Barbara: (Sighs)
Jacob: (to camera) So, it turns out the cat belongs to Brianne in fourth grade. She, uh, lost him when she brought him in for show and tell, which you are not supposed to do, for obvious reasons.
Mr. Johnson: (to camera) Don't touch me! I told you, we three should've gotten in that car and never looked back. (Sobbing)
Barbara: Henry, may I talk to you for a moment, please?
Henry: I didn't mean to embarrass you in front of your friends.
Barbara: Sweetheart, you did no such thing. I'm sorry for embarrassing you. Forgive me?
Henry: I don't think an adult has ever apologized to me before. It's kinda lit. I forgive you, Ms. Howard.
Barbara: Thank you, Henry. Would you be interested in helping out at a church bake sale? We're gonna need an expert salesman like you if we're gonna make any money. You'll get a cut out of everything you sell. How about 5%?
Henry: 90%.
Barbara: 10%, and you get to keep whatever you don't sell.
Henry: Deal.
Barbara: Deal. Yeah.
Ava: Barb. Next time I do something to help others, which I'm very good at, I'll make sure to give you the whole story so that you're not surprised.
Barbara: Thank you, Ava.
Ava: Honoring what I just said, I borrowed your school ID to get free pancakes at the Original Hip-Hop House of Pancakes. They give it to teachers and not principals. Ain't that criminal?
Gregory: Hey.
Janine: Hey.
Gregory: So, I know that your date is tonight, and I just wanted to say that I hope you have fun. Mo's a really good guy.
Janine: Aww. Thank you. He must be if he's friends with you.
Gregory: Oh, um, one more thing. Maybe don't order the ribs. I've seen you eat ribs before. It can get aggressive.
Janine: That's a good call.
Maurice: And, you know, it was just really shocking for the whole family. I mean, I know I wasn't prepared to lose her, you know. Small, just a kid. It really changed the way I looked at life from that day forward.
Janine: Wow.
Maurice: You know, I never really opened up about this kind of stuff before. Thank you for listening.
Janine: Oh, my God. Are you kidding? Thank you for sharing. Well, speaking of sharing, do you want some of this? It's really good.
Maurice: No, no, no. No, thank you. No. Mm.
Janine: Oh, no. I'm not done.
Maurice: Oh.
