Jacob: Greetings and saaaaluuutations...
Ava: Not today, Jacob. This morning is already on my last nerve. I tried to take a picture of this woman's crooked lace front, dropped my phone, cracked it. I asked her to pay for it, she said she gonna call the cops. I am one minor inconvenience from putting this whole day in rice.
Jacob: Oh, been there. Sort of. Well, let me improve your day with a tasty offering. I made carrot cookies.
Janine: You mean carrot cake?
Jacob: As if. Carrot cookies... made with carrots and carrot juice.
Ava: Mnh, no, just looking at them almost put me over the top.
Jacob: Janine?
Janine: Yeah.
Jacob: Can I tempt you? They're made with salvaged oat pulp.
Gregory: Those look alive.
Jacob: Well, yeah. That's the probiotics.
Janine: Uh, you know what? I probably shouldn't on an empty stomach, so...
(Fire alarm wailing)
I didn't know we were having a fire drill today. Was it on the schedule?
Gregory: I have it memorized, and no.
Janine: Oh.
Melissa: Single-file line, most flammable kids first, and remember... no running!
Ava: Everybody out! This is a real fire in the teachers' lounge! This is a real fire! This is not a drill! Hootie-hoo!
Janine: Wait, Ava, where are you going?!
Ava: I'm protecting my peace. The firefighters are almost here. Y'all got it!
Janine: Okay, real fire.
Gregory: Um, okay, um... A-Alright, two, three, four, five.
Janine: You guys up. Turn that way.
(Siren wailing in distance)
Gregory: Alright, y'all, come out safely.
Janine: Alright, guys.
Gregory: Right there.
Melissa: Get the door.
Gregory: Do not go into the street.
Ava: Go, go, go, go. Go.
Gregory: She's not coming back, is she?
Janine: No. Alright, guys.
Gregory: Okay.
(Maker's "Hold'em" playing)
♪♪
Janine: Jacob, you know I love you, I do. But did your cookies do this?
Jacob: No, these are no-bakes. It's better for the environment and your gut.
Melissa: What is wrong with you?
Barbara: Ugh. Oh, disgusting.
Melissa: Okay, I can tell you, I didn't do this. Because as someone who wanted to be a firefighter, I hate fires. They sicken me. I want to fight them.
Barbara: Smoke and fire... The devil's fresh air. It was probably shoddy wiring.
Janine: Yeah.
Captain Robinson: Good morning, everyone. I'm Captain Robinson. No relation to Smokey, so save your jokes. I've heard them all.
Janine: Hm.
Captain Robinson: I'd like to speak to your principal.
(Cellphone chimes)
Janine: Oh, well, that's... that's great because, actually, she just posted a video. She's probably on her way back to Abbott.
Ava: All my preppers know what time it is. Let's get into this. "What's In My Go Bag: Fire Safety Edition." First up... matches. 'Cause one thing about me, I'mma fight fire with fire.
Janine: Alright.
Gregory: Our principal is otherwise engaged. But I'm happy to fill in for her. How can I help you?
(to camera) I took a series of catastrophe modules in my principal training. I'm also prepared for tidal waves, Facebook crashing... That's for the older teachers... And a lice outbreak... for the white teachers.
Captain Robinson: Looks like the fire was started by a candle and this nearby shawl. Classic case of flame meets fabric.
Janine: Wait, but that's Barbara's shawl and Barbara's candle. Oh, my God, someone's trying to use cashmere and Jesus to blackmail Barbara.
Melissa: You mean "frame".
Janine: Semantics.
Barbara: I did step out earlier to take a phone call. And maybe a gust from the vent just blew my shawl over the candle. I take full responsibility.
Captain Robinson: Well, let's hope it doesn't happen again. Luckily, no one was hurt. But we're still gonna have to go through the standard post-fire protocols.
Gregory: Of course, I'm happy to sidebar.
Melissa: I still can't believe they brought a tractor drawn aerial. Yeah, that's... That's one big daddy.
Barbara: I am sorry for the inconvenience. But if there's any way that I can help, please let me know.
Mr. Johnson: I lost three precious diamonds in the fire. And a Ferrari. Not sure if the time is right, but I think we should talk insurance.
Andrew: We all behaved as kings and queens. I took my line-leader duties very seriously.
Melissa: Cool, cool. Okay, now, everyone, drop your bags. Zip those coats back up. We're going on an impromptu excursion.
Student: What's an excursion?
Melissa: That's where youse all work those cute little puppy dog eyes to get the firefighters to let us play on the truck.
Students: Cool!
Melissa: Come on!
(to camera) The fire department sent a TDA. That's industry speak for "tractor drawn aerial." And for me, that's top of the line. That's the one my uncle used to drive. The Schemmentis have a rich history in firefighting... also fighting fighting.
Melissa: Wow. Would you look at this big... hunk... of... metal. See, this is why I love fire trucks. I get older... They stay the same. Nothing beats fire engine red.
Janine: Come on in, guys. Hi.
Janet: Excuse me.
Janine: Yes.
Janet: I'm Janet Elton, trauma counselor sent by the district. I'm looking for acting-principal Gregory Eddie.
Janine: Oh.
Gregory: Interim principal. Unofficially, but effectively. Thank you for coming.
Janine: Wow, you called the district and they actually sent someone right away?
Gregory: Well, people really respect my leadershi...
Janet: I was on my way when you called. Where can I set up? I need to work my way top to bottom and visit all classrooms ahead of the fire safety meeting.
Janine: Oh, lucky. (Chuckles) Ask the third graders if they miss me. (Chuckles)
Gregory: Right this way.
Janine: I'm Miss Teagues.
Janet: It's normal to be shaken up. I'll be here for the rest of the day should any of you want to talk about today's events. That's teachers and students alike.
Jacob: Mm.
Janet: My metaphorical door is open.
Jacob: Thank you, Miss Janet. (Chuckles) As I always say, "When in doubt, talk it out." Right, guys? Can I offer you a carrot cookie for your Abbott journey?
Janet: It's late morning, and the container is still completely full. I'II pass.
Barbara: I will keep a close eye on them, and if any of the students express any concern, I will be sure to let you know.
Janet: And how are you holding up, Mrs. Howard?
Barbara: Me? (Chuckles) Oh, I'm just fine. I lit a candle, then I received a phone call, and because I am a courteous person, I answered it. And... You know, this is just much ado about nothing. I'm fine. Are you writing I'm fine?
Janet: I'm just taking some notes.
Barbara: Well, that's a lot of writing for "I'm fine." Um, "She's fine"... It's just two words, and one of them is a contraction. You know, when those vents get going, it is like a hurricane. So if there is anyone to blame, it would be the wind.
Janet: Okay, I'll be going...
Barbara: And I just want you to have the specifics. Because I know that you are on a fact-finding mission.
Janet: I'm just a counselor, not an investigator.
Barbara: Yes, but it seems like you are an investigator of feelings. And I want you to know that I am feeling just fine. Facts.
Janine: I mean, honestly, lately I've been having some issues with my sister. We argue about my mom sometimes. She lives in Denver. Not my mom, my sister. Um, so anyway, I've been seeing this guy Maurice a little bit...
Janet: No, I meant, how are you doing in relation to the fire?
Janine: Right, I was getting to that. So we went to this restaurant, and guess what breaks out.
Janet: A fire?
Janine: A mariachi band. (Chuckles) And I said I wanted to leave. So I made him think that I don't like mariachi. But the thing is, I do. It was just a small restaurant, and it was really loud.
Mr. Johnson: Accident schmaccident. I smell arson. Ask any of my exes. It's always arson. I blame "Waiting to Exhale."
Firefighter: Which one of you kids want to honk the horn?
Melissa: Oh, c'mon, they've heard horns before. This city runs on road rage. I want to show them the Jaws of Life. Okay, look, kids. This is what you use if you want to destroy a car... If you want to get someone out of a car.
Student: It's cold. Can we go inside?
Melissa: Yeah, but the truck only fits seven at a time. So who's got first?
Andrew: Man, I just wanted to honk the horn.
(Horn honks)
Gregory: The pyramid and the cone can be tricky, so make sure you pay attention.
(Knock on door)
Keep working on those shapes, kids.
Janet: Mr. Eddie needs to have a conversation.
Gregory: Please hold. Interim Principal Gregory Eddie at your service.
Janet: We'll dig into that later. First, an update. No concerns on the students thus far. And all the staff has passed my standard inspection.
Gregory: I've longed for protocol. This is the best day of my life.
Janet: Except for one person who isn't handling it well... at all.
Gregory: Oh, well, look, that's just how Janine is.
Janet: I'm not talking about Janine.
Gregory: Jacob? That one lunch lady?
Janet: Her name is Shanae.
Gregory: That don't sound right.
Janet: It's not her.
Gregory: Well, who could it be? Mr. Johnson?
Janet: That is the single most well-adjusted man I have ever met. I'm talking about Barbara Howard.
Gregory: Are you sure you don't mean Janine?
Janet: I'm sure. Listen, I've been with people in the aftermath of some tough situations... Heart attacks, flooding, wig falling off at an assembly. Nothing shakes people up more than a fire. There's usually something under the surface.
Gregory: I feel like you're reading her wrong. Barbara is the most together and collected person at this school. She's made mistakes, but she moved on...
Barbara: Oh! Miss Janet. There you are. I just wanted to reiterate that I am fine.
Janet: Is that all?
Barbara: Also, I wanted to add that I never listen to Chaka Khan's "Through the Fire" when it comes up on my Pandora. "I'm Every Woman," not a pyromaniac.
Gregory: No one was thinking that, Barbara.
Barbara: I know, but I just wanted to make sure that it was on the record. You know, in that little... fact-finding notebook of hers. Facts.
Gregory: It's worrisome. But I still think you should take a look at Janine.
Gregory: Is everything okay, Barbara?
Barbara: Didn't I make that perfectly clear earlier?
Gregory: Well, I just wanted you to know that if you feel any which way, you can come to me, as a friend, or, if you prefer it to be more formal, as your interim principal.
Barbara: You are not a principal, Gregory. You are but a child.
Gregory: I'm just making sure that you're good.
Barbara: I'm as good as it gets. Perfect, even.
Gregory: I'm also just making my rounds to remind all staff about the fire safety meeting at lunch.
Barbara: Thank you, but no thank you.
Gregory: It's mandatory.
Barbara: Gregory, I am spiritually tenured. Mandates are nothing more than fervent suggestions. Ava would let me skip this.
Gregory: Respectfully and thankfully, I'm not Ava. And don't you think if anyone should attend the fire safety meeting, it should be you?
Considering...
Barbara: Look, it's no big deal. My shawl caught fire on a stained-glass Jesus candle. Nobody got hurt. So why don't we all just put this ordeal behind us and move forward?
Gregory: I agree.
Barbara: Oh!
Gregory: Let's move forward.
Barbara: Forward.
Gregory: After the meeting. Which is mandatory.
Barbara: I miss Ava.
(Radio chatter) (Students groaning)
Jacob: Are you all bored or just kind of quietly reflecting?
Melissa: Holy smokes, this must be the 15-pound turbo flathead. 2018 model, too. They got too flashy after the 2019s.
Firefighter: Don't touch my axe.
Jacob: Melissa, I think your kids are a little, like, disengaged.
Melissa: Nah! I haven't even introduced them to the wonderful world of the tiller yet. (Gasps) I bet this baby's got some baller wheel markers.
Jacob: (Chuckles) Wow, she, uh... she seems really into fire trucks.
Firefighter: Yeah, we call them Truckies.
Jacob: Mm.
Firefighter: Just once I'd like a woman to like me for me, not the truck, you know?
Jacob: Yeah, I mean, not super relatable, but empathizing nonetheless.
Firefighter: Mm.
Jacob: Hey, thank you for everything that you do. As a fellow employee of the city and aspiring humble hero... I see you.
Firefighter: Any chance you could see to getting your co-worker away from our truck?
(Indistinct conversations)
Gregory: Hey, um ... I'm worried about Barbara.
Janine: Oh, no, why? What's wrong? What happened? Where is she?
Gregory: She says she's fine.
Janine: Okay.
Gregory: But the counselor seems to think that she's not processing what happened earlier. And that there may be something else going on.
Janine: Well, that counselor doesn't know what she's talking about. She said she thought that I might benefit from therapy. (Laughs)
Gregory: Right. But she may be onto something with Barbara. So let's keep an eye out.
Janine: Okay, but, you know, Barbara's solid as a rock. She's my rock. And, you know, if she says she's fine, then she's fine.
Gregory: Okay.
Captain Robinson: Alright, folks. Let's get serious.
(Click)
♪ Think safe, be safe, all throughout the day ♪
Melissa: Doesn't even make sense. Why would a fire own sunglasses
(Click)
Captain Robinson: Can anyone tell me the three leading causes of fires in schools?
Mr. Johnson: The CIA.
Captain Robinson: No.
Mr. Johnson: Too close to the truth, huh?
Captain Robinson: Cooking, intentional action, and heating. Let's save the questions for the end, please.
Melissa: Less of a question, more of a comment. I could run this meeting in my sleep.
Captain Robinson: Well, that won't be necessary, but thanks for the offer. Let's move into fire prevention.
Melissa: Typical firefighter machismo, silencing women.
Jacob: There's a woman right there.
Melissa: Yeah, well, that's new. Back in the day, female firefighter was just the punch line of the dirtiest joke you ever
heard. Trust me. They crushed my dreams with that "Girls can't be firefighters" crap.
Jacob: (to camera) Yeah, I think that's generational. You can't spell firefighter without "her." I mean, you gotta take the "G" and the "T" out, but...
Captain Robinson: Now, today's blaze was the result of heating. A candle was the heat source. And the fuel was a haphazardly placed shawl.
Janine: Which could hap-happen to anyone.
Barbara: It was simply an accident.
Gregory: Right, and that's not an indictment on the owner of said candle or the owner of said shawl.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Gregory: I mean, and it definitely doesn't mean that they're getting older and growing forget if that's how they feel.
Barbara: Gregory.
Melissa: What the hell?!
Janine: What?
Gregory: But if they did feel that way, they can just talk to somebody. But if they don't, that...
Barbara: Gregory, stop.
Janine: Look, I think what Gregory means to say is that, you know, fires can start in all kinds of ways.
Gregory: Right.
Janine: Right? Yes. Actually, firefighters wind up starting a lot of fires themselves. Uh, but you know that already.
Captain Robinson: Excuse me?
Janine: You know, one of the most famous fires was actually started by a cow. But I don't see them asking a cow to join a fire safety meeting.
Jacob: (Laughter)
Janine: Right, Barb?
Jacob: I would like to see that, though. (Chuckles) "Mooooo-ve! There's fire!"
Captain Robinson: Alright, folks, this meeting was actually not meant to be so interactive, okay?
(Click)
Bottom line... no more open flames in school. Intentional or not, they start fires. Especially when used carelessly.
Barbara: Excuse me, but what exactly do you mean by open flame? I mean, surely candles are still okay.
Captain Robinson: A candle's an open flame, so, no, they're not.
Barbara: Well, that's ridiculous. I've been lighting candles here for 20 years without a single problem.
Gregory: Until today.
Barbara: And there won't be another.
Captain Robinson: Exactly, there won't be another one because there will be no more candles on this property.
Janine: Does that apply to birthday candles?
Barbara: Well, that is unfair. This school is full of hazards.
Jacob: And birthdays.
Barbara: You have no idea the nonsense that teachers get away with here repeatedly. But the one time I light a candle for peace of mind, without ever having a prior problem, you want to take it away from me. Well, that is unfair and ridiculous!
(Door opens)
Melissa: Good job, Little Fires Everywhere. You really helped calm things down.
(Door slams) (Door opens)
Jacob: Did you see that?
Gregory: Yes.
Janine: Yeah, we're right here.
Barbara: (Sighs)
Melissa: Hey, Barb. Hey, don't worry about that meeting. That was a farce. Hey, want something to cheer you up? Take a look at these pictures of me with the fire truck, huh? Hard to be mad when I look that good.
Barbara: Your hair matches the truck. Marvelous.
Melissa: You wanna talk about it?
Barbara: I'm fine.
Melissa: Okay.
Barbara: Been dealing with Gerald's health.
Melissa: Barb...
Barbara: We had a prostate situation.
Melissa: Oh, no. Oh, my gosh. Is he okay?
Barbara: Yeah, doctor called this morning said he is in the clear.
Melissa: Oh, thank God.
Barbara: But those PSA numbers came back high. And, y-you know, the past few days just waiting to find out the results, it's been stressful.
Melissa: Of course. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry I didn't know.
Barbara: Well, all I could do was light my candle and pray.
Melissa: Mm.
Barbara: What was I gonna do? Sit around and worry about it all day? That never does any good.
Melissa: Right? That's life. Just always something coming at you. You just gotta keep on truckin'.
Barbara: Keep truckin'. I mean, if we were to blab every time life got hard, we would be...
Melissa: Janine.
Barbara: Janine.
(Both chuckle)
Melissa: Oh, I'm glad he's okay, honey.
Barbara: Yeah.
Melissa: Okay. Well, I better get back to those firefighters. I gotta help them find their keys.
Firefighter: Ma'am, we really need to get going. There has to be a fire somewhere.
Jacob: Hey, man. (Chuckles) I was just playing a little pick-up solo Ultimate. Ultimate Frisbee. Solo play helps you burn the most calories. It's niche. Anyways, I got my commemorative Wait Wait... Don't Tell Me! Frisbee stuck up on that ledge over there.
Firefighter: Why don't you just use these... cookies? They look hefty. Get the frisbee down.
Jacob: Uh, no. Um, no! Oh, no, please! Please! It's a 57-step recipe. You know, I actually wasn't even gonna ask the squad to help get it down. I had another idea. Are you familiar with the Schemmentis of Southern Philadelphia?
Janine: Hey, B-to-the-A-to-the-R-to-the B... to-the-A-to-the-R-to-the A. Hey, how you doing? Just coming to check on you. Holding space for you in case you wanted to, you know, talk.
Barbara: There's no need to worry. I will not be lighting my candle anymore per the orders of the district and the interim principal.
Gregory: Oh, would we say that I ordered? That sounds strong.
Barbara: Well, either way, I will not be lighting my candle anymore. And that's life, right? Right.
(School bell rings)
Student: Mrs. Howard, is the fire done?
Barbara: Oh, sweetheart, the fire is all done. Would you like to talk about it with Miss Janet, the nice lady from earlier?
Student: It's okay.
Barbara: You know it's okay to feel scared. You don't have to pretend that you're not. Pretending can make it harder. You know, sometimes Mrs. Howard gets scared... and upset, too. And that's okay. Okay?
Melissa: Frisbee secured!
Jacob: Whoo-hoo! Yeah! Ooh, should she really be up there in heels?
Captain Robinson: She's wearing a helmet.
Melissa: Hey, why don't you try playing a sport that actually involves balls... like downhill skiing.
(Radio chatter)
(Sighs) Thanks for letting me do that. That felt even better than I could've imagined.
Captain Robinson: Don't mention it. You should've told me that you're a Schemmenti!
Melissa: Yeah.
Captain Robinson: Your uncle was a legend. He put out the Hawthorne fire in '95.
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Captain Robinson: Never did find out who started that.
Melissa: (to camera) It was started by my other uncle. And I'm not snitching. He's proud of it.
Janet: I get it. It was just an accident. And you are Mary J. Blige levels of "Just Fine."
Barbara: Actually, I want to thank you for coming today, because I have been dealing with some things at home and the fire was a direct result of that stress.
Janet: Almost to the letter. Thank you for sharing, Mrs. Howard. You know, if you want, I can write you a day off.
Barbara: A day off? For what?
Janet: A day off because you might need it... or just want it.
Barbara: I have only ever taken a day off because I was sick or a vacation. Once to get my hair done. It was an emergency. Kirk Franklin was in town with The Family.
Janet: (Chuckles)
Barbara: But I've never taken a day off for no reason.
Janet: Feels like there is a reason.
(to camera) It's actually called a mental health day. But if I said that, she wouldn't take it. I know her type.
Seems like your principal leaves whenever she wants.
Barbara: Well...
Janet: Here is a work-excusal form.
Barbara: Don't you need to put my name on it?
Janet: Oh, it's on there. Had a feeling.
Janine: Now, I know you said you were fine, but...
♪ You are my sunshine, my only sun... ♪
♪ You're not Barbara ♪
Ava: Barb took the day off.
Janine: What? Uh, is she okay? I mean, is everything alright? Is she mad at me?
Ava: Just because you got a round face like the Teletubbies sun baby doesn't mean that the world revolves around you.
Gregory: Where's Barbara?
Ava: Take that blazer off. You think you the principal or something? The hell happening 'round here?
Janine: Hey, Ava, what did Barbara say?
Ava: She said she needed some time to herself. I tried to send her to that spa I was at yesterday... They offer referral cash... But she said she wanted to "spend time with her husband." Good for her, though.
Janine: Wow, never thought I'd see the day. Wait a minute. You were at a spa? (Sighs)
Melissa: Good night. Still with the cookies? Come on, it's been days. They're probably even worse than before.
Jacob: Actually, they age like fine wine due to a key ingredient... Grape-seed oil.
Melissa: Yeah, that's not how that works.
Jacob: Oh, I think I understand fermentation.
Melissa: You know, they're putting these new things in cookies these days. It's called chocolate chips.
Jacob: Hardy har. See you tomorrow.
Melissa: (Chuckles) Son of a Bocelli, they're delicious. Wipe the tape.
