(Telephone ringing)
Janine: What was that?
Gregory: Nothing.
Janine: Did I see your last name on it?
Gregory: It's a flier for my dad's landscaping company.
Janine: Aww. Uh, is that your brother?
Gregory: No, I'm actually an only child, but apparently appearing to be a family business help:
bring in customers.
Janine: That's... Sorry, so your... Your dad, he hired an actor to play his son instead of just asking you?
Gregory: Yeah.
Janine: I think I'm confused.
Gregory: You're not.
Ava: Well, he fine. Can I have your fake brother's real number? I'd like to climb that family tree. (Giggles)
(Maker's "Hold'em" playing)
♪♪
Janine: Okay, so the writing prompt is as follows... You're gonna write a paragraph about a cat with a silly job. I know. It's silly, but it's fun. And then after we're finished, you're gonna read them aloud... Um, sorry, Zara and Joya, why are you guys not in your assigned seats?
Zara: Well, she keeps taking all the stickers off my folder and then putting them on hers.
Joya: No, I'm not. She keeps hitting me and taking my pencil.
Zara: That was my pencil, dummy.
Janine: Oh! Okay. No. That's enough. We will treat each other with kindness. Now, please, get up and go back to your regular seats. You don't get to decide where you sit.
(to camera) So, Zara and Joya don't get along the best, and lately, it's been getting worse. Kids rub each other the wrong way from time to time, but it's okay, no problem. I know how to handle these things. I've watched so many unlikely animal friend videos that I don't even know what "unlikely" means anymore.
Zara: I'll beat you up.
Janine: (to camera) I'm pretty sure that was "I'll beam you up." Like, clearly, she's a Trekkie. She wants to beam her up on her ship. Her friend-ship.
Gregory: (to camera) My dad's in town for a big landscaping job, and he wanted to stop by to see where I work. Probably so he could tell me what he finds unsatisfactory about it to my face... with love.
Ava: Dang, can you blink? Is this one of those "Stranger Things"? What's your favorite song, Gregory?! (Laughs)
Gregory: Dad. Hello. Welcome to Abbott.
Martin: Thank you for having me, son. I'm Lt. Colonel Martin Eddie.
Ava: Ten hut.
Martin: At ease. Here's my business card. Let me know if you have any landscaping needs. Eddie Lawn and Care can take care of any job during any season.
Ava: Mm. Don't look at me like that. He gave me his number.
Gregory: Let me get you checked in, and then I'll show you around.
Ava: Your Hotmail account is very brave, Mr. Eddie. I wouldn't trust a landscaper with any other e-mail service. (Mouthing words)
Ava: You doing your taxes? You know you can claim stray cats as dependents?
Melissa: (Scoffs) Taxes. People still doing that? No, I'm trying to crunch the numbers on my fantasy football squad to find out why Mr. Johnson beat me. It was that damn Garoppolo. That's the last time I draft based on hotness. What are you doing? You already took that.
Mr. Johnson: Looking for your fantasy football team, 'cause it's trash.
Ava: Well, now you about to face me in the finals, and I do not respect my elders.
Mr. Johnson: (Whistling) (Chuckles)
Ava: There's only two things I'm scared of... Facing Mr. Johnson and having to kill my granny during the zombie apocalypse.
Melissa: You know, Mr. Johnson's always the first to claim a player on the waiver wire. That's why he's been cleaning up. They should make him the new Mr. Clean. He's already bald.
Ava: (Scoffs) Oh. (Chuckles) Ooh. Double trouble.
Gregory: Dad, this is Melissa. Melissa, this is my father.
Melissa: You got a good end-season management strategy? I'm busy.
Martin: So, this is your lounge?
Gregory: Yeah. Yeah.
Martin: You need some plants in here. (Inhales deeply) The air is stale.
Jacob: Uh, don't mind us. We're just green-thumbing through "Better Hoods and Gardens," looking for ideas.
Gregory: Dad, these are my coworkers, Jacob and Barbara.
Barbara: Mr. Eddie, wonderful to meet you. The caretakers of the flourishing Abbott Elementary Garden welcome you.
Martin: I could have sworn I saw the plants getting protected from frost using cut two-liter bottles. A classic Eddie family method, except someone improved slightly on the design.
Gregory: Y-You say "improved"?
Jacob: Well, gotta give it up for my girl Barb for that one. Well, that and Sprite.
Barbara: Ah, no, no, Mr. Hill. That was all you, that ingenious invention.
Jacob: No ... No, it wasn't. I thought you did it after you put all that mulch in?
Barbara: Huh? Well, what about the cute little labels letting us know what everything is?
Jacob: Not me. I don't know how to write in cursive.
Barbara: Gregory.
Gregory: Hmm?
Barbara: Have you been secretly tending to the garden?
Gregory: Yes.
Jacob: For how long?
Barbara: (Gasps)
Gregory: The entire time.
Barbara: But I planted the daffodils.
Gregory: You did. Just wrong. They were crowding each other out, so I had to replant them.
Martin: Look at you, showing a little initiative.
Jacob: Well... Well, what about the collard greens I planted?
Gregory: That was spinach, which is not an easy mistake to make.
Martin: Not tolerating incompetence. I like that.
Gregory: Thank you, Dad.
Barbara: Gregory, why would you sow secretly? Why would you prune privately? Why would you cull clandestinely? Hidden hoe-ing and whatnot?
Gregory: Are you done?
Jacob: Barbara, hit him one more time.
Barbara: Why would you be tight-lipped about tilling? Everything we planted was a lie?
Gregory: No, no, no, no. Some of those, um, weeds were yours.
Barbara: Oh.
Martin: So, you just silly, huh? I knew nothing could keep you out of the dirt.
Gregory: (Chuckles)
Barbara: And he has been secretly tending the garden this whole time, like some sort of plant Santa Claus.
Janine: Like a Planta Claus.
Barbara: Uh, Janine, there's a skirmish developing that needs your attention.
Janine: Yes, uh, Zara and Joya? I am aware. It's in process. They weren't getting along earlier, so I made them buddies for the week. Quality time will nurture understanding, and, you know, it'll lead to a beautiful,
blossoming flower of a friendship. I say "flower" because we were talking about the garden.
Barbara: I thought it was because you're dressed like a peony.
Janine: Anyway, trust the process. Before you know it, those two will be inseparable, like peas and pods and...
Zara: (Grunts)
Janine and Joya: (Gasps)
Marcus: Dang! You got milked!
Janine: Oh, no, no, no, no. Nope, nope, nope! Nope! No, no. Yeah, just trust the process.
(Children grunting and arguing)
Melissa: So, I heard one of your kids got hit in a milk-by.
Janine: Just kicking the dust off their friendship.
Barbara: I don't think they like each other.
Janine: Okay, guys, you know what? These kids should be able to get along, and I can get them there. Yes. Look, my mom and sister used to fight all the time, and I would mediate. I was both the crisis negotiator and the hostage. I was Jack Bauer and Jack Bauer. And now they're closer than ever.
Jacob: Doesn't your sister live in Colorado?
Janine: Physically, but emotionally, she never left.
Melissa: I don't know. Some people just hate each other, and that's fine.
Ava: That's right. I don't like Janine, and it's going great.
Mr. Johnson: Well, I'm a pacifist. You mess with me, I'm-a pass a fist across your face.
Jacob: Well, I don't hate anyone. Except for Jimmy Dontel-Anderson.
Barbara: Goodnight.
Jacob: Yeah, in sixth grade, he threw a handful of grapes at me while I was doing my solo in "Moulin Rouge Jr." One went right into my mouth, straight down my throat, and I had to give myself the Heimlich. Our chorus teacher didn't even stop playing. She just... You know, the show must go on.
Melissa: Okay, Sophia, you're up to read the family tree report.
Ava: Melissa, I have something urgent to discuss with you.
Melissa: Be right back. What's going on?
Ava: It's about the fantasy football championships.
Melissa: Why'd I even ask?
Ava: At the end of his sermon, I heard my pastor say that Christian Mccaffrey might not play this weekend. Then he said some nonsense about gambling not being of the Lord, but I was on my way out.
Melissa: Mccaffrey is Mr. Johnson's best player.
Ava: Exactly. And if I pick up his backup first, like a Black woman on "The Voice," he has no chance of winning. Waiver wire opens at 2:00. You distract him, and then I'll pick up McCaffrey's backup.
Melissa: Uh-huh. What's in it for me?
Ava: 4% of my fantasy winnings.
Melissa: 20%, and your shelf in the fridge.
Ava: Damn. That's where I keep my various mustards.
Janine: (to camera) The Buddy System was too surface-level for Joya and Zara. They need to know what's going on internally with each other, truly empathize. So, I'm having them do a project where they trace one another and then fill it in with the things that make their partner special. So... Yeah. Yeah, yeah, yeah. It looks like fun. I wish somebody would trace me. I think I'd be like 95% "Family Matters" re-runs and then 5% Dunkaroos.
Marcus: In conclusion, it was very nice getting to know Quagmire.
Quahir: It's Quahir.
Janine: Okay. Alright, guys. That's good.
(Applause)
Alright, um, you know what? Let's have Joya and Zara go next. Come on up.
Zara: Here you can see that Joya is full of poop, not just where you expect poop to be... Everywhere, especially her big head.
Janine: Alright, you know what, Zara? That was not the assignment.
Joya: Unlike Zara, I actually did the assignment. You can see she likes gum, Gucci flip flops, and Roblox.
Janine: Okay, now, that was actually what I was...
Joya: I'm not done. I want to talk about the outside, too. Smelly breath, smelly farts, smelly pits, because she stinks.
Janine: Whoa! You know what? That's the final straw. Do you two want to watch "Toy Story" tomorrow?
Joya: Which one? I can't do 3 again.
Janine: Alright, well, you're not gonna be watching any of them unless you guys find a way to settle this. If you're mature enough to make the graphic drawings, then you're mature enough to work this out. Find a solution or you'll be in the library for Movie Friday. And we are watching the first "Toy Story." The third one makes me cry. So, get back to your seats, please. Thank you.
(Cellphone vibrating)
Gregory: Oh, hey, Pop. I mean, uh, sir.
Martin: Yeah, you're funny. I just wanted to tell you how proud I was of your little gardening method.
Gregory: Sorry?
Martin: Don't be. Frankly, I'm quite impressed you continued our landscaping legacy.
Gregory: Well, I couldn't let those plants just die.
Martin: If you're available, come help me out on this job. Earn some extra cash, maybe take that Amber girl out on a proper date to a French restaurant that you can't pronounce.
Gregory: You want my input?
Martin: Oui, oui.
Gregory: Uh, a-okay. Yeah, sure.
Martin: I'll take it.
(Cellphone chimes)
Barbara: So, you're taking your gardening skills out into the broad daylight, Mr. "What We De The Shadows"?
Gregory: It's just for a little extra cash.
Barbara: Mm. You look like you're trying to mute a smile.
Gregory: I am?
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Gregory: (to camera) I don't think my dad's ever asked for my input on anything before, except for that time when he asked if I thought I was being funny. You caught me. I'm happy. I think I'm experiencing what they refer to as Black boy joy, even though I am a man.
Janine: You see that? They're getting along. I haven't had a problem the entire morning.
Keke: Hey! Are you the girl I'm supposed to beat up? You a little small for an eighth grader, but I don't discriminate.
Gabby: Hey.
Joya: There she is. That's the girl who said she's gonna beat you up.
Gabby: I heard your sister been saying that my sister's full of poop.
Janine: Wait, no one's been saying anyone is...
Keke: And I heard your sister's been saying my sister's smelly.
Gabby: Well, smells like your whole family smelling smelly.
Tiniest Kid: Fight!
(Children shouting)
Keke: Come at me, sis!
Gabby: No, I ain't scared! And don't hide behind that eighth grader! She can't help you!
Janine: Okay, I am a full grown woman, and there is a better way to handle this, girls.
Zara: Below the belt, Keke!
Joya: Smash her like she smashed my milk!
Janine: Stop! You guys! Yeah, Ava, get them.
Ava: Only in America. (Laughs) Hey, hey, relax. This is designer.
Barbara: What in the Earth, Wind, and Fire is going on here?
Janine: Yeah, I don't know. Zara, Joya, I asked you guys to handle this, and you said you came to an agreement.
Zara: Yeah, we agreed that our sisters would fight each other.
Andrew: (to camera) Shame to see my queens fight. But I thought Ms. Teagues was gonna get molly-whopped.
Melissa: (Gasps) Hey, Tasia, come here. Can you do Ms. Schemmenti a favor? Can you take this tub of dirty paint water and empty it out in the sink in the bathroom at the end of the hall?
Tasia: I doubt it, but I'll try.
Melissa: Oh. (to camera) Operation Splash Interference is in effect.
Tasia: Ms. Schemmenti, I spilled all over the bathroom. I'm sorry.
Melissa: You did great, kid.
Ava (via PA system): Attention Abbott Custodian, A.K.A. Mr. Johnson. We have a drop and mop. Drop what you're doing and mop. Report to the girls' bathroom at the east end hallway, ASAPington.
Mr. Johnson: I haven't seen a mess like this since the Playboy Mansion in '86.
Ava: Okay, everybody knows that bathroom is a dead zone for cell service, and he still got an Obama phone.
Melissa: Okay, well, hurry up, because it's 2:00 and he mops at a rate of 4 SPMs... Squeegees per minute.
Ava: What the...
Melissa: What's the matter? Did you get him?
Ava: He's gone. He picked up the backup.
Melissa: But the waiver wire just opened and he's in the middle of cell hell.
Ava: Well, that old man's mop bucket must have Ethernet, because he got him.
Melissa: (Crying) (Inhales deeply) There's no crying in fantasy football.
Martin: Ground's still a bit frozen. Make sure you use that good Eddie musculature I gave you. (Chuckles) Don't work so hard, son. You know what happened to John Henry. (Chuckles) You know, uh, I've been giving it some thought. What if I added an "and son" to Eddie Lawn and Care?
Gregory: Eddie and Son and Lawn and Care?
Martin: No. Eddie and Son Lawn Care.
Gregory: What about your, uh, your fake son from the flier?
Martin: Great model. Terrible gardener.
Gregory: (Chuckles) What are you trying to say, Dad? I mean, we've talked about me working for you. You tell me to do something, I do it, you say, "Nope, not like that." I then correct it, and you go, "No, that's still not it." Then you say, "Fine, I'll just do it myself." Then I watch you do exactly what I did, and then you say, "What an improvement."
Martin: I'm not asking you to work for me. I'm asking you to work with me.
Gregory: Why now?
Martin: Look, I'm trying to get into business with you, and eventually, I'm gonna retire and leave it to you, but first, I just needed to know you could carry your own weight, and you can. I've never seen you more confident.
Barbara: Ooh. What a wonderful drawing of a... A poop head.
Janine: Yeah. My fighting students.
Barbara: Oh. Well, I see that you signed up for my office hour.
Janine: Oh, yeah, yeah. So, I'll see you in a week and a half.
Barbara: And what do you know? Just like that, a spot opened up. Hmm.
Janine: Okay. Alright, so, I'm upset with myself about how things turned out with Zara and Joya. I feel like all of my solutions just created more problems. I feel like I really got my math wrong with this one.
Barbara: Janine, this isn't math. The two of them just don't enjoy each other's company. What's wrong with that?
Janine: I'm... (Sighs) I'm not sure. Just people not getting along, it makes me uncomfortable.
Barbara: Well, have you reflected on why that is?
Janine: No, but I have tried journaling.
Barbara: Janine, has there ever been a time where you've had to sit with conflict?
Janine: Well, yeah, my mom used to do these things that would really upset my sister, and, you know, they kind of would get into their squabbles, and I would get put in the middle of their squabbles, and they would want me to choose sides, and I just wanted it to stop. Mm. It was awful. Even now, when my sister comes to visit, she doesn't want my mom to know. And if she does, they get all squabbly.
Barbara: And as difficult as that sounds, I have to tell you, this is not about them. This is about you. You need to become comfortable being uncomfortable. Sometimes, two people just don't like each other, like me and that usher at church. I'll sit where I want to sit. Mm.
Janine: Hey, Barbara?
Barbara: Hmm?
Janine: See you next week for office hour?
Barbara: Wait a minute, I thought this was...
Janine: (Chuckles) Oh, Barbara. I'm gonna have a ton of problems by then, too.
Barbara: Janine, don't make me call a 7th grader to beat you up. (Laughs)
Janine: Not funny.
Gregory: Now that we have our jar and our wet paper towel, we're gonna take the seed and put it inside the wet paper towel so that it can germinate inside the jar. But remember that the seeds are very fragile, so we have to take extra special care to make sure that they can grow.
Richie: Look, Mr. Eddie, I'm Jason.
Gregory: Okay. Now, Jordan Peele that off your face so we can go through the steps of germination.
Jacob: Wow, look at you. Got your fingers in the mud with your pops and it inspired you to embrace your roots. It went well with your dad, though?
Gregory: He actually asked me to run the company with him.
Jacob: Mama told me there'd be days like this.
Gregory: I'm not leaving Abbott, Jacob. I said no.
Jacob: Obviously. Yeah. No, I never... I never thought you would.
Gregory: Actually, he, uh... Noticed how confident I seemed, and I said it's because I'm at Abbott. First time I've been at a place that I love, doing something that I love.
Jacob: Yeah, with people that you love?
Gregory: No, I didn't say that. But this job did give me confidence. You know, I never liked gardening before, but I like doing it here.
Jacob: Well, I, for one, am happy to know that we will be gardening together. Green thumb buddies.
Richie: Mr. Eddie, I accidentally dropped my seed into my mouth and then I accidentally ate it. Am I going to have a lemon tree grow inside my belly?
Gregory: Well, let's think about it. Did you also swallow a wet paper towel?
Richie: Yes.
Gregory: Alright, let's go to the nurse.
("You've Got a Friend in Me" playing)
♪ You've got a friend in me ♪
♪ You've got a friend in me ♪
Janine: (to camera) Is it hard when people I care about don't like each other? Of course. If I had it my way, Woody and Buzz would have started out friends, yeah. But I have to learn to accept that what my students are feeling is real. 'Cause this is real life and not Pixar.
♪ ...rough ahead ♪
♪ And you're miles and miles from your nice, warm bed ♪
Janine: Oh.
♪ You just remember what your old pal said ♪
Janine: (to camera) ♪ You've got a friend in me ♪
♪ You've got a friend in me ♪
(Laughs) Just reme... ♪
I don't... I don't know the rest of the lyrics.
Janine: See ya. Whoa. Uh, what are you two doing here?
Gabby: We're here to pick up our sisters.
Janine: Oh. Okay, so you just happened to be here at the same time, and you're getting along very... Very cordial?
Keke: Cordial? Nah, we friends.
Gabby: Yeah.
Janine: Friends?
Keke: Yeah. After you stopped us from fighting, we got to talking. Seems like we have some common interests.
Gabby: We both love butterflies.
Janine: Aww.
Gabby: And beating people up.
Janine: Okay. Well, you know what? That's wonderful, girls. Really. It is. Have a good night, okay?
Gabby: You, too.
Zara: Bye.
Janine: Bye.
Janine: (Sighs)
(Line ringing)
Ayesha: Hey, it's Ayesha. You know what to do.
(Voicemail beeps)
Janine: Hey, Ayesha. It's me. Um... I was wondering if you were gonna still come visit, because I think you should. And don't worry. I won't tell Mom. I promise. So, just give me a call back. Okay.
(Click)
Mr. Johnson: The champ is here. (Laughs) Start calling me Sir Johnson, as I have been knighted by the Queen of Trash herself, Ava's
fantasy football roster. Oh!
Ava: You only won 'cause you got on the waiver wire before I could. Which, by the way, how is that even possible? Didn't you have a spill to clean up?
Mr. Johnson: (Laughing) Yeah, on aisle three-peat. Hey, here's your cut.
Melissa: What?!
Ava: You're helping him out? You were the one jumping on the waiver wire.
Melissa: Yeah, I thought you had a moral objection to the NFL.
Jacob: And while those moral objections still stand, I will do anything to see my man smile.
