Barbara: This is where our winter vegetables will be growing.
Jacob: But we'll also have tomatoes there next year. And, Barbara, I don't want to get into it.
Melissa: This is not the dirt I was promised. Barbara, you said you had a good story for me.
Barbara: Ooh. What is that? Ugh.
Jacob: Oh, my God.
Barbara: A bone?
Jacob: From a person?
Melissa: Nope.
Barbara: Ohh. Have mercy.
Mr. Johnson: (to camera) Got 'em. (Laughs) Wait. Was this the one I buried? Oh.
Gregory: (to camera) It's a beef rib. (Chuckles) Got 'em. Stay out of my garden.
(Maker's "Hold 'Em" playing)
♪♪
(Indistinct conversations)
Janine: (to camera) So, this is our midterm development meeting where we explore benchmarks for the second half of the year. We love these. They remind you that even though it feels like it's almost time for summer break, the school year isn't even close to over.
Ava: So that's the school district's requirements. Now, hurry up and talk about your individual goals or whatever. This is cutting into my pre-happy hour hour.
Jacob: Uh, I have an entire week dedicate to the historical terrors of Thanksgiving for the indigenous people, followed by a screening of the seminal film...
Ava: "Soul Food"?
Jacob: You know it.
Ava and Jacob: ♪ Mama ♪
Barbara: Well, I love the holidays, and this year Barbara Howard's Little Helpers will be making the most adorable handprint Christmas trees.
Janine: And my kids will be doing hand turkey art, and I'll be recycling it to soak up all the snow that gets through the cracks in the windows.
Gregory: Children's hands really seem to carry the holidays.
Janine: Yeah, they do. It's crazy.
Mr. Morton: Uh, my eighth-grade students and I will need the gym and a safety ladder next week.
Gregory: For a dunk contest?
Mr. Morton: No. We'll be doing the egg drop. Appreciate it if everyone can bring any eggs that they can spare.
Ava: Good. 'Cause we're low on eggs in the lounge, and my doctor says I need some omega-3s.
Janine: That sounds like a great opportunity to be creative. I always wanted to do one of those when I was a kid. Maybe my second graders can participate.
Melissa: (Grunts) Here we go.
Janine: Oh, I mean, I know my kids won't be as good as yours, of course, but I just think it sounds like fun for the kids.
Mr. Morton: It's not fun, it's science.
Janine: Well, maybe it can be both. I'm sure my kids are gonna have a blast doing the egg drop.
Mr. Morton: The egg drop is too advanced for your students, but if you'd like them to partake, it's your funeral.
Janine: More like my fun-eral. Yeah.
Krystal: Here's Tamika's homework, Ms. Howard.
Barbara: Thank you.
Krystal: Mm-hmm. Yeah. You have a good one. (Chuckles) Learn lots, boo!
Barbara: (to camera) As a good Christian woman, I would never mark my body with such an obscenity. I don't even believe in saying that word out loud. Ugh. My favorite "B" word? Barbara. Oh! Bible. (Gasps) Blessing. Blueberries.
(Door opens)
Melisssa: Okay, so I was promised these are definitely not snakes.
Mr. Morton: Oh, that's good to know.
Ava: This is part of my recovery elixir. (Russian accent) Strong like bull. (Chuckles) (Normal voice) Oh, good morning, y'all.
Melisssa: Did you just get here?
Ava: No.
Janine: So, how much glitter would you say your kids are using on their egg drop thingies?
Mr. Morton: We never use glitter on our thingies, because that would add mass which would throw off the equation.
Janine: Okay, so maybe just like a dash, then? Answer?
Mr. Morton: Hello, Mr. Hill.
Jacob: (Scoffs) The nerve of that guy. We've had a long-standing beef ever since I got here.
Gregory: Really? It seems like he's just polite to you.
Jacob: No, he's very passive-aggressive. Don't even ask me why.
Gregory: Okay. You feel like the egg drop is right for your kids? I mean, it takes a fairly decent understanding of physics.
Janine: Yeah, I'm sure it's right, because learning should be fun and about new experiences, and not whether or not the eggs break.
Gregory: It's actually only about whether or not the eggs break.
Melissa: Oh, my God, you won't shut up about this egg drop. And now your kids told my kids. Now my kids are all excited, so I gotta do it. And all these wasted eggs when the Cowboys are in town. Now I gotta throw Molotov cocktails at their bus.
(Door opens)
Janine: You guys are doing a great job. These are so cute. Eli, I love how yours has all those plastic straws. Watch out, turtles. Oh, and, Nia, yours has a heart on it. That's so ... I can't wait to see how these work, guys.
Eli: I named my egg Ralph! I put a face on him and everything.
Janine: Aww! Well, Ralph looks egg-cited for the egg drop tomorrow.
Eli: He's my best friend.
Janine: (Chuckles)
Eli: My only friend.
Janine: (to camera) Oh, yeah, Eli is fine. He's exaggerating. I've seen him talk to Nia before, I think.
Barbara: Excuse me. I was just wondering if, you know, when you are around the children, if you might... cover up a bit.
Krystal: Oh, yeah, of course.
Barbara: Thank you.
Krystal: (Chuckles) You have a good one.
Student: Ms. Howard.
Barbara: Yes?
Student: What's S-L...
Barbara: (Hushing) It is, uh ... the Saint Louis University of Technology. And it is a very fine university, yes, it is. Please, have a seat.
Janine: How is a ladder that tall even possible?
Melissa: 'Cause of physics? The thing we're kinda doing here?
Mr. Morton: And lastly, we have Omar's gravitational resistance mechanism, with a payload of 58.7 grams. May Sir Isaac Newton have mercy on your soul. Though, such a thing does not exist.
(Students gasp in excitement)
(Applause)
Well done, eighth graders. I have taught you some serious science that will serve you for the rest of your lives. And now, without further ado... the second graders.
Melissa: (Knuckles crack)
Janine: Hey! Thanks for coming to support.
Jacob: Of course. Plus, I didn't want to miss a chance to see Morton with egg on his face.
Mr. Morton: Look, kids, my esteemed colleague, Mr. Hill, has joined us.
Jacob: Hmm, hmm. Keep poking the bear, Morton.
Melissa: You know, I'm just gonna double fist these so I'm done quicker.
Janine: You got this, Ms. Schemmenti! Whoo!
Everyone: ( Cheers and applause )
(Cheers and applause continues)
Janine: See what a little can-do attitude and optimism can get you? Can't wait.
(Cheering continues)
Ava: Oh, good. I didn't miss Stump-ty Dumpty's turn at the top.
Janine: Is it just me or is this ladder getting much taller? Right? Somebody get me some magic beans. You know, like "Jack and the Beanstalk"? Get it?
Melissa: Climb the ladder, Janine.
Janine: All right, all right. Just give me a minute. I don't to get the bends, Melissa. Okay, here we go. Going up the ladder. All right, yeah. Mr. Morton, is it necessary to go to the top of it? It is? Okay. (Breathing heavily) Can someone give me a bigger basket? Okay.
Ava: I should've done a time lapse.
Janine: We have made it to the top. Oh, my God. Okay. Here we go. First one! Oh. Oh, um ... it's okay, Tre. That made a fun splat, all right? Okay, next up. This is going great. (Chuckles)
Melissa: Oh.
(Students gasp)
Janine: But we're having a good time. Ooh, marshmallows!
(Students gasp)
Sponges.
(Students gasp)
This one's just an egg. (Chuckles) Oh, no. All right, one more. This one's gonna make it.
(Students gasp)
Two eggs, wow!
Girl: Look away!
Janine: (Chuckles nervously)
Eli: No! (Squeals) Ralph?! He was my best friend! Someone get a Band-Aid!
Ava: There's starving children in America, Janine.
(Students crying)
Janine: It's okay! Even though the eggs broke, you all did great and were so creative. And, uh, look. Look! I have these medals. And if you stop crying long enough, I can put them on you. Because there are no winners or losers here, right?
Mr. Morton: Kids, science is almost exclusively about winner and losers.
Eli: It's okay, Ralph. You just have to believe.
Mr. Morton: You may want to have that child checked out for salmonella.
Eli: (Crying continues)
Janine: Um, hello? What are you, some kind of mad scientist? How did none of your eggs break?
Melissa: Easy. I cheated. Just hard-boiled a bunch of eggs and, boom, happy class.
Janine: And you're proud of that?
Melissa: Are you proud of having a class full of crying second graders? Look, I'd love to teach my class quantum mechanics. It's my secret weapon at the craps table, but second graders can't understand it, Janine.
Janine: (Scoffs) Well, look, now my kids feel awful, and they need to have a successful egg drop to feel better. Or maybe there's a sale on gold stars.
Gregory: Well, they feel bad because they failed, but that's science.
Janine: Yeah, but it doesn't have to be.
Gregory: It literally does. It's part of the scientific method.
Mr. Johnson: I don't like science ... Too many laws. And who's the judge? God?
Jacob: If you think about it, science is just history plus math.
Gregory: That's not at all correct.
Ava: Y'all seen that movie "Pacific Rim," where Idris Elba fights the Kaiju? Now that's science. You know what's iffy, though? Pigeons.
Gregory: Wait.
Melissa: While we're here, I'm not sure I believe the moon landing happened.
Mr. Johnson: I don't believe in the moon.
Jacob: I believe that gluten intolerance is just internalized white guilt.
Mr. Johnson: Gluten isn't real!
Ava: Stevie Wonder ain't blind.
Melissa: You know, Bill Gates...
Gregory: Enough! Science is factual and real, and failure is a part of the scientific method. So congratulations, Janine, you just mastered the first part. Now, have you run your error analysis yet?
Janine: Oh, yes, my error analysis is that we will never give up. We believe in ourselves, and we know we can do it.
Gregory: So ... no. Um, Janine, do you understand the science behind the egg drop? Look, if you want your kids to really get this, then you're gonna have to get it. I used to love the egg drop. Look, Amber cancelled on me for tonight, so if you want... I can walk you through it.
Janine: Thanks, Gregory. That'd be great, actually.
Mr. Johnson: I bet you believe dinosaurs really went extinct. (Chuckles)
Barbara: The parent of one of my students has a very unsavory marking across her bosom.
Ava: The mom with the "bitch" tattoo?
Melissa: Loved that book. Movie was meh.
Barbara: And even after I gently asked her to cover up, she came back with a sweater that was even worse!
Melissa: Oh, yeah, you gotta do something about her.
Ava: I agree.
Jacob: Uh, I just want to chime in and say I'm gonna sit this one out. I think my role here is best as an active listener. Although, I will say, the reclamation of the word "bi..."
Barbara: Ava, I'm surprised. You actually have a problem with this?
Ava: Sure do, but it's about placement not the content. The clavicle is such a powerful bone. Why take attention away from it? Keep the tattoos to the tatas. That's hot.
Barbara: How could anyone find this tata tattoo hot? Much less appropriate?
Ava: Well, it's a generational thing, Barb. Women her age grew up with Lil' Kim, Foxy Brown, and Eve.
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Barbara: And I grew up with Adam and Eve. And maybe all this young woman needs is a little guidance. Heh.
Ava: Barb wouldn't be offended by my tattoos, unless she speaks Mandarin. Chinese people hate my tattoos.
Gregory: To understand the egg drop, you have to understand some scientific principles that are fairly complex for a second grader.
Janine: I believe in my second graders. And I want to show them that if they believe in themselves, they can do anything.
Gregory: I appreciate the optimism, but you can't just positive-attitude your way through physics.
Janine: Well, I beg to differ.
Gregory: Can you touch my hand?
Janine: What? If you believe in yourself enough, can you touch my hand?
Gregory: As I was saying...
Janine: No, wait, hold on. Because (Scoffs) if I were to just, you know, gra... Oh. Oh, oh, aah.
Gregory: Oh!
(Thuds)
Come on.
Janine: (Groans softly) See, this is why science shouldn't be taught in schools.
Gregory: I feel like this is about something else.
Janine: (Sighs heavily) Look, this may come as a surprise, but... I've never been good at not getting things.
Gregory: You don't say.
Janine: Normally, I'm able to come into anything with a positive mindset and succeed.
Gregory: Failure is what propels science forward. If you can't accept failure, then you can never learn from it.
Janine: (As Gregory) "If you can't accept failure, then you can never..."
Gregory: I don't sound like that, Janine. My voice is quite deep. Now, if we can get back to the egg drop.
Janine: (Mumbles sarcastically)
(to camera) When I was little, I could never keep my shoes tied, and people loved to make fun of that. But then I got Velcro shoes, and they made fun of that, too. But here's what I learned about failure... It sucks and I don't want my kids to feel it. Time to get them some Velcro shoes.
Barbara: Good to see you. Hi, baby. Well, how 'bout that? So nice to run into you.
Krystal: You work here, that's a very predictable scenario.
Barbara: Yes, but I'm just glad to have your ear, because I came across some information about a support group for single mothers.
Krystal: Okay, well, um... if Tamika's dad, my husband... of six years, just so happens to die, I promise I'll check it out.
Barbara: And if you want some nice clothes, my daughter's friend, Mallory, does this monthly clothes swap for young professionals. Lots of expletive-free attire.
Krystal: Well, I see what's happening here. You think you know me, Miss Lady? But you don't. I am not going to trade first-run items from my clothing line with a bunch of diversity, equity, and inclusion officers.
Barbara: I did not mean to upset you.
Krystal: You can never upset a professional bitch like myself. Now you have a wonderful rest of your day... Miss Ma'am.
Barbara: It's Mrs. Howard.
Krystal: Oh, I know who you are. (Scoffs)
Janine: Keep painting, kids, okay? Keep painting. These are tough as nails now, so they need to look really pretty, too.
(to camera) I finally have my head wrapped around the egg drop. It only took Gregory walking me through it and then three hours of YouTube videos when I still didn't get it. I've helped my kids rebuild their egg drops, and my hypothesis is... we're going to succeed!
Mr. Morton, what a surprise. What makes you drop by?
Mr. Morton: You took all my scales.
Janine: What a great observation. I hypothesized that taking your scales would get you down here. Cause, effect, science. My students and I are building new egg drop contraptions. I now know the science behind it, therefore my kids and I are ready to prove that we can do anything. So, I'd like to kindly request that you put on another egg drop event.
Mr. Morton: Miss Teagues, I have an eighth-grade curriculum to keep up with, so no more egg drop. We've moved on.
Janine: Wha... So, no... What am I supposed to tell my kids?
Mr. Morton: Not my problem. If you're looking for something more their speed, why don't you teach them how to tie their shoes?
Janine: (Scoffs) (Whispers) I want to fight you.
Janine: Jacob is right. That Mr. Morton's got a real attitude. He will not put on another egg drop event.
Gregory: You know you can do an egg drop event without him, right?
Janine: That's not the point. Look, I've faced so many Mr. Mortons and there are so many Mr. Mortons in this world, and I want my kids to face them now. And I want to shield them with the best defense... Positivity.
Gregory: Janine, your kids are lucky to have a teacher who believes in them as much as you do. But maybe sometimes, possibly, you could come at it with, like, so much positivity that it's ... toxic. Mr. Morton's science is just too advanced for them. Those are the facts.
Janine: Ugh! I know. I spiraled.
Gregory: Happens to all of us, but it happens to you a lot, huh?
Janine: So now I have to tell my kids that I messed up and that they can't do anything they put their minds to?
Gregory: It's the truth, and the truth is science. Isn't it our job to tell them the truth? That was, like, a serious question. I-I haven't been here very long, I don't know the answer to that. Should I be lying more?
(Door opens)
Barbara: Oh!
Ava: Looking to refresh your wardrobe, Barb? That stuff is hot, but a little flashier than I pegged you for.
Barbara: This is Tamika's mother's clothing line. And it is worse than I expected. I'm ... T-There are cuss words here I didn't even know existed.
Ava: Well, dang, if this is worrying you so much that you're spending your free time cyberstalking this lady's store, you must really have a problem with her. Do you think this child is in danger?
Barbara: No.
Ava: Okay, well, how's Tamika's grades and attendance?
Barbara: Stellar.
Ava: Okay, then what's the real problem? 'Cause I'm not hearing anything to worry about.
Barbara: Okay, I admit it. I misjudged her when I confronted her, but I just don't understand why a grown woman, a mother, would act like this.
Ava: Okay, well, let me ask you this... Do you need to? Uh, before you finish that order, throw in a pair of those "Whore" leggings. I gotta gala next week.
(Students gasping)
Girl: Are we getting balloons because we're great?
Janine: Well, you are great, but these are actually for an age-appropriate science lesson.
(Students groan)
Girl2: Please no more science, Miss Teagues.
Girl: Can those lift me in the air?
Boy: If you believe hard enough, they can.
Janine: Well, that actually isn't true. But we're going to learn about why.
Girl2: Just give them to us.
Janine: No! We're doing this. (Chuckles)
Barbara: Thank you, Ayesha. Oh, Tamika, you did a wonderful job!
Tamika: Thank you. My mom taught me. She said it's important to know about flowers so you can tell when a man gets you cheap ones.
(School bell rings)
(Chuckles) Okay, thank you. All right. Let's get ourselves ready. Thank you.
Krystal: Get your stuff.
Barbara: Uh, e-excuse me. I just wanted to let you know that Tamika's work was so well done. I thank you for putting in the extra effort. And I want to apologize. I am sorry for the assumptions that I made about your character when you have been showing me all year long the type of parent you are.
Krystal: It's not the first time this has happened to me. People are quick to judge, but... that's part of the thinking behind my apparel line. You see, one day soon when people hear "Forever Bitch Apparel," they're gonna think about locally made, Black-owned, and sustainable business practices.
Barbara: And that is something that I would love to support.
Krystal: Really? And, you know, sometimes I do get a little busy and I forget that Forever bjtch isn't for the kids. So I'll be sure to wear PG-rated clothing from now on when I pick Tamika up.
Barbara: Thank you.
Krystal: Mm-hmm.
Barbara: And that's a... A lovely ... mouth accessory.
Krystal: (Chuckles)
Barbara: I-ls that from your line, Forever...
Krystal: Yeah, yeah, look, get a little closer. Check out the quality of this engraving. Like, Mrs. Howard. (Chuckles)
Barbara: (Exhales deeply)
Janine: Three helium balloons was not enough. We failed. But what did we learn?
Girl: That we need more balloons?
Janine: Right, because balloons can only hold a certain amount of...
Students: Mass!
Janine: That's right.
Gregory: I'm impressed.
Janine: Yeah? Well, I realized that the egg drop was too advanced, but then I decided to experiment with another special project... The egg lift. And it involves something they like already... balloons. All right, release! Mr. Morton, ah, how nice of you to be here. Hello.
Mr. Morton: You took my helium tank.
Janine: I did, and that's because I wanted you to see us learn all about...
(Fan turns on)
Oh, no.
(Balloons popping)
(Students squeal)
Eli: Not Ralph Jr.!
Janine: Oh. Um, uh, science!
Students: Science!
Janine: Yes! Oh, did we egg-ceed your egg-spectations? Egg. (Chuckles) Oh, and you have a little something right... there. Yep, mm-hmm.
Jacob: Don't they realize that the gaming industry is billions, like, not millions, like, billions of dollars, which means that...
Mr. Morton: Mr. Hill, do you need any help carrying those to your car?
Jacob: No, no, thank you. I am fine.
Mr. Morton: You have a restful night and a pleasant weekend.
Jacob: (Laughs) Yep! You, too! (Whispers) See? What is that guy's deal? That guy really gets my goat.
Gregory: I don't know what that means, but that man is nothing but nice to you, okay? This is all in your head.
Jacob: (As Mr. Morton) "Have a pleasant weekend."
Gregory: Stop. He doesn't sound like that. I... Nobody sounds like that.
Jacob: What's wrong with you?
Gregory: Nothing. It's been a long week.
Jacob: Geez.
Mr. Morton: (to camera) Oh, Jacob Hill? Hate him. Always have, always will.
