Jacob: Hey, uh, the new golf course up the street is apparently gonna have AI swing assessments.
Janine: Mnh. I'm not a fan of AI, even in golf. I just think it's cheating. Like, you should...
Melissa: Aah! [Grunts]
Janine: [High-pitched voice] Oh, my God, Melissa! Are you okay?
Melissa: [Grunts] I'm okay.
Barbara: Girlfriend, no!
Melissa: I’m okay. I'm fine. No, no. I'm good. I'm good. I'm good.
Barbara: All right. All right.
Melissa: Look, no spill. No problem.
Ava: Has she always walked with a limp?
Barbara: No, she has not. Ohh. Ohh!
(Maker's "Hold’em" playing )
♪♪
Gregory: Remember to do both sides of your math sheet and ask your mom if you need help.
Tariq: Yerr! Talent manager! Long time, no see.
Gregory: I saw you this morning when you dropped off Nick.
Tariq: True. But you know what, man? The days are long, dude. Mm. I ain't got no job. You know how it is. I think that it's really cool, by the way, that you drafted my son for your class.
Gregory: Yeah, I had to give up a couple future first-round picks for him.
Tariq: Oh, so it's like a rebuilding year.
Gregory: I'm kidding.
Tariq: Ah! You a funny dude. I like when you make jokes like that. It's nice we get to chop it up like this. I'll see you in one sleep, dawg. All right?
Gregory: All right.
Tariq: All right.
Gregory: All right, now.
Tariq: All right, now.
Gregory: All right, now.
Tariq: All right, now.
Gregory: All right, now.
Tariq: All right, now.
Jabari: Thanks for helping me with my math sheet, Mr. Eddie.
Gregory: Yeah. Of course, Jabari. That's what I'm here for. Now, I know math can be tricky, but I'm really proud of you for sticking with it.
Jabari: I like your cup. It has cool colors.
Gregory: Yeah? Well, then you might like this pencil.
Jabari: Thanks, Mr. Eddie.
Gregory: Mm-hmm.
Lisa: Hey, Jabari.
Jabari: Mom, look what Mr. Eddie gave me.
Lisa: Wow! This is nice! Did you say "thank you"?
Gregory: He did. He's really great with that. Yes.
Lisa: He just loves being in your class, and he just loves you.
Gregory: Aww.
Lisa: You know, and I'm really appreciative because, between you and I, his daddy is a little... you know. Let's just say I'm happy that he has you as a role model.
Gregory: Thank you.
Lisa: Thank you.
Gregory: (to camera) Look, it's nice to hear that I'm making a positive impact. I used to underestimate it, but connecting with the students is the best part of the job. [Chuckles] The smells are the worst.
Janine: You just put everything...
Melissa: [Chuckles] Oh, oh, oh!
Gregory: Are you good?
Melissa: Oh, yeah. Never better. Okay. [Grunts] Oh, were you gonna get coffee? 'Cause I could use a cup if you were gonna... You know what? I'm good. I got it. Just, if you don't mind grabbing my cup. And the pot of coffee. And, uh, cream. And a little... just a little sugar and a spoon. And my cup's on the middle shelf on the left.
Gregory: So you need help?
Janine: No. I'm good. I'm fine. Ah!
Janine: Melissa, you are clearly worse than you were yesterday. You need to go to a doctor.
Melissa: I’m fine. I just, you know... It hurts before I have my coffee.
Jacob: You're not fine. You slept on the couch last night because you couldn't make it upstairs. And I know that because I heard you peel yourself off the plastic this morning.
Melissa: I fell asleep watching Housewives, Jacob. Get off my back.
Ava: It's okay to admit you busted your ass, girl. If I fell like you did, I'd be in the hospital. [Chuckles] But I never slip. ♪ I never fall ♪ A lot of hoes gimme they number ♪ But I never call ♪
Mr. Johnson: ♪ And that's all ♪
Ava: It's a little early, but, you know. Hey.
Barbara: Melissa, why don't you just go to the doctor and get that checked out?
Melissa: What's a doctor gonna do, Barb? Tell me I'm hurt, treat my ailments, give me medicine to feel better?
Gregory: Literally, yes.
Melissa: Okay, so I'm gonna pay some schmuck an arm and a leg to tell me what's wrong with my arm and my leg?
Janine: You hurt your arm, too?
Melissa: Ow!
Janine: That's a yes.
Melissa: Plus, you go to a doctor, they throw like ten other diagnoses at you. You go in with a bad back, you come out in a body bag with a bill stapled to it. No thank you. [Grunting] Thank you, Mr. J.
Jacob: Looks like she gave up on the coffee.
Ava: Speaking of... time to put in cash for the new Keurig. Contribute to your community. Being broke is no excuse.
Barbara: Happy to.
Ava: Ooh, this is crisp. [Chuckles]
Janine: You know, I-I would if I had any cash to.
Barbara: Oh.
Jacob: What's your deal?
Janine: (to camera) So, two weeks ago, Barbara asked to borrow five dollars cash so that she could tip her nail lady. I had some on hand, and she's my GOAT, so, boom, I lent it to her. No problem. [Chuckles] But she hasn't paid me back yet. Problem.
Jacob: Why not just ask Barbara for the money back? It's just five bucks.
Janine: Exactly. It'll just make me look cheap and petty. Besides, it's the principle. I would never forget if I owed somebody money.
Jacob: Well, that's interesting because you owe me three hundred dollars.
Janine: And guess what... I think about that every day. Okay.
Gregory: Hey, really good job today, Jabari. But remember to work on your short "A" sounds like hat, fan, tap...
Jabari: Dad!
Gregory: Yeah. That's... That's one, too. Oh, yeah. Got it. Hey.
Darnell: You Gregory Eddie?
Gregory: Yeah.
Darnell: I’m Darnell, Jabari's dad.
Gregory: Nice to meet you, Darnell.
Darnell: Yeah, nice to meet you, too. I heard you gave my son a pencil.
Gregory: Yeah, it was one of the ones I had just lying around, and he really liked the colors, so...
Darnell: Cool. Yeah. No, his mom says he likes you a lot... that y'all like to chitchat all day.
Gregory: Yeah, I mean, it’s- it's more teaching than anything, but...
Darnell: Just heard you were giving out pencils and whatnot. I-I didn't really understand what was going on. Just trying to make sense of the situation.
Gregory: Mm-hmm. Look, maybe we should, uh, start over, maybe have a conversation when Jabari's not here.
Darnell: Oh, no, no, no, no. You don't get to decide what my son can see. He can handle a little tough talk. He's seen worse. We watch Power together all the time.
Gregory: Uh, okay. Well, he shouldn't be watching that.
Darnell: I’m sorry. Are you saying I'm not a good dad?
Gregory: No, no, no. Look, I-I hear you, okay? What can I do to fix this?
Darnell: Cut the chitchat. Don't give the boy no pencils. Period.
Gregory: Got it.
Darnell: Okay. Let's go. We out.
Gregory: [Mumbling] I guess I'll give him pens, then.
Darnell: I’m sorry. You mumble something, playa?
Gregory: [Normal voice] No, mnh-mnh. No.
Darnell: Yeah, you definitely said something to that camera over there. See, you think you Deadpool.
Gregory: Look, I don't really know what's going on, okay? See, we just met for the first time and I'm not-
Darnell: So now I'm a deadbeat?
Gregory: No, I'm not-
Darnell: Now I'm a deadbeat?
Gregory: I’m not saying that at all.
Darnell: I think what we need is a little parent/teacher night.
Gregory: Great. Let me just real quick check my schedule.
Darnell: Parent/teacher fight night.
Gregory: What?
Darnell: I’m gonna kick your ass. Today, I gotta get a haircut. But tomorrow, 3:00 p.m., outside, me and you. Bring the heat. And don't bring no pencils. Let's go, Jabari. We out.
Janine: Tell me, was he hinting or...
Gregory: No, he was pretty clear. He wants to whoop my ass.
Mr. Johnson: Who's getting their ass whooped?
Janine: Gregory.
Mr. Johnson: 'Bout time.
Janine: I mean, no one.
Gregory: A parent wants to fight me.
Barbara: Ooh, a parent wants to do what?
Gregory: Fight me. You remember Jabari's dad from your class?
Barbara: Oh, that young man is a piece of work.
Janine: What, like a s-strong piece of work?
Barbara: You know, this happens often with the male teachers. Especially when the father isn't around much. They feel threatened, so they want to threaten.
Gregory: Well, I'm obviously not gonna fight a student's dad, okay? I'm not some uncivilized ruffian.
Ava: Why would you even say it like that? That's the kind of talk that makes people want to beat your ass.
Barbara: [Whispers] You know he's gonna lose.
Ava: [Scoffs] Duh. But I'm opening this up for bets regardless.
Melissa: Hey! You guys talkin' fights and bets without me? I'm on my way. Don't close the books.
Gregory: There isn't gonna be a fight. Darnell was probably just having a bad day.
Ava: His name is Darnell? Darnell vs. Gregory! Name wise, he's a clear winner.
Mr. Johnson: You going with Gregory? I thought we settled on the Baltimore Bobcat?
Gregory: Look, he's all talk, okay? Who- Who- Who- Who postpones a fight to get a haircut first?
Ava: Nothing more dangerous than a Black man with a fresh haircut. You are cooked.
Jacob: Oh, we hanging outside of Janine's classroom now? Guys, put it in the Slack.
Janine: No, a parent wants to fight Gregory.
Ava: A West Philly Darnell wants to fight Gregory.
Jacob: [Gasps] That's how Fresh Prince began. We can't lose Gregory to Bel-Air. He can't afford it.
Gregory: Okay, look. Enough. There isn't gonna be a fight.
Ava: Then why even tell us about it?
Gregory: I wasn't. I was talking to Janine.
Mr. Johnson: Ever heard of former welterweight champion Milton "Iceman" McCrory?
Gregory: No.
Mr. Johnson: Good. Training starts tomorrow.
Janine: Look, I just think maybe you should really...
Jacob: Training. Training is a good idea.
Melissa: Hey, guys. I go- Wait up. Come on, come back. Start over. Ow.
Melissa: Top of the morning, Abbott Elementary. How you doin'?
Ava: What, you went bionic overnight or something?
Melissa: Or something! Who is ready to have a great day?
Barbara: Whoa.
Melissa: Coffee. Coffee?
Janine: You look great. So you went to the doctor?
Melissa: Yeah, yeah, yeah. I went to the doctor. Dr. Feel Good, M.D.
Jacob: Incredibly redundant, but go on.
Melissa: I found some painkillers at the house, and I am feeling brand spankin' new, kids.
Jacob: Those are mine. Look. [Scoffs] For Jacob Hill from 2014, when he/I got his/my wisdom teeth pulled, and now he/I is/am pretty miffed.
Barbara: Ooh. Melissa! These are way past expired.
Melissa: Eh, they still work if you double 'em up. And now, because I am feeling so good, I am gonna go for that fancy sugar. [Laughs]
[Crowd groans]
Janine: No!
Barbara: Our Father who art in heaven, hallowed be thy name!
Ava: Ugh. Looks like a rotten plum.
Janine: Melissa, that needs medical attention.
Jacob: You might feel good, but we don't, looking at that ankle. God, that's horrible.
Melissa: Okay! God! I will go see the nurse. Just get off my case.
Janine: And leave the pills.
Barbara: Mm-mm-mm. Well, it is feeling like a pretzel kind of day. Yes. Well. Oh, heck, that's a five. Well, darn. That's another five. Another one. Come on now. One, two, three, four. Five singles. God is good.
Janine: Well, okay, so for those following, that's, uh, two fives and then five ones, which is fifteen, three times the amount of five.
Barbara: Very good, Janine, quick math. Your students are lucky to have you. Yes, they are. Ooh.
Lisa: I’ll make you them chicken tenders and that mac 'n cheese.
Gregory: Good morning, Jabari. Hey, Lisa, can I talk to you for a second?
Lisa: Yeah. Go to your seat, baby. All right.
Gregory: Hey, so I met Jabari's father yesterday.
Lisa: Mm.
Gregory: He seems to have something against me. Um, I was wondering if either you or Jabari mentioned me around him.
Lisa: Around Darnell? Please, Mr. Eddie. We barely even talk. Except I was telling him how kind and understanding you are with Jabari. And how much Jabari loves and respects you. And matter of fact, I did mention how much of a good role model you are for Jabari and how much you'd be a really good role model for Darnell, too. And then I called him a scrub and Jabari was like, "Mm-hmm. True."
Gregory: Yeah, the threats make a little bit more sense. Yup.
Lisa: Oh, my God. Did he threaten to fight you?
Gregory: Mm-hmm.
Lisa: That is classic Darnell. Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. He is always tryna start stuff.
Gregory: No need to apologize. I'm just relieved to know he's not actually planning to fight me.
Lisa: Oh, no, no, no. He gonna fight you. That's what he gonna do. He's always tryna start stuff successfully. So he gonna hit you with a couple body blows. Then he'll be good. You're gonna wanna guard the back of your head. All right, Jabari, I love you, baby. Be good.
Tariq: Wow. So, I heard all of that. What I need you to know is, as a fellow educator, I got your back, brother, okay? Unless he, like, real tall and got, like, a veiny neck and a chainsaw arm.
Gregory: I don't need backup, okay? I can take him. I'm also not gonna fight a student's dad.
Jacob: Gregory, denial is not gonna protect those cheekbones, okay? We gotta come up with a plan.
Gregory: Were you eavesdropping?
Janine: And I'm glad he was because we really need to face facts here. This guy might really want to hurt you.
Gregory: Why all y'all in my classroom?
Jacob: Greg, we're coming up with a plan to save your life. Keep up.
Janine: I can come in here whenever I want.
Jacob: Now, before the fight, I'm gonna come at you disguised as a roguish assailant. You kick my ass, and then Jabari's dad will think twice before a round of fisticuffs with you, killer.
Janine: Yeah.
Tariq: Yes. So it's settled. We gonna jump Jacob.
Gregory: There isn't going to be a fight. Right?
Janine: No, of course not. But maybe you just leave your class five minutes early every day for the rest of the year to be safe. The kids are resilient.
Gregory: Look, I'm not running away before school's over, but I'm also not going to fight.
Tariq: R-Right.
Janine: Right.
Tariq: But if there is a fight, I will show up for you, and I'll bring CSI and Miami.
Janine: Okay, Gregory doesn't need backup. He's really strong.
Tariq: Okay, well, fight me then.
Mr. Johnson: There you are. I've been waiting at the Rocky steps all morning. Coulda text me or something. Eat these. We got beef to pound.
Tariq: Yeah. So what you gonna do-
Gregory: Get out.
Tariq: All right.
Makiah: Oh. That's interesting.
Melissa: What? My heart? What's wrong with it?
Makiah: I can't be sure, but it sounds like you need to go to a doctor and stop wasting my damn time.
Melissa: Oh, not this again.
Makiah: You are falling apart. What do you want me to do? Call your mama and send you home?
Melissa: Yeah, I'd love to go home.
Makiah: You need to go to a doctor before you exacerbate these injuries or cause more from overcompensating.
Melissa: Eh, what do you know? [Gasps] Oh, my back! Oh.
Tiniest Kid: I think you need this more than me.
Barbara: That...
Janine: Hey, Barbara. [Laughs] Hey. I just wanted to come in here and keep you updated on the latest technology. [Laughs] Have you heard of a new enterprise called Venmo?
(to camera) It was really eating at me to watch Barbara eat those pretzels while she still owes me $5. And she didn't even offer me any, which is crazy because I love pretzels. Famously. They're cute, a little twisted... and salty like me when I've been wronged. So I'm gonna fix this.
Barbara: I know all about MenVo, Janine. Sometimes I send Melissa a few dollars and an emoji just to say hello. And other times, I send Gerald a penny emoji and a penny just to say "a penny for your thoughts." Mm-hmm.
Janine: [Laughs] Okay. You know you can send emojis for free, right?
Barbara: I did not. Hmm.
Janine: You know, if you wanted to send anyone else money on there, you could. [High-pitched] Are we friends on Venmo? [Normal voice] Because you'll never guess my username. It's Janine Teagues, and I'm wearing, you know, this in the little profile picture 'cause it's a picture of me. So if you wanted to look for it or anything.
Barbara: Oh. Thank you for reminding me. I meant to send my church a praise hands emoji and one hundred dollars because tithing has gone digital. Won't He digitally do it?
Martin: (over phone) Hey, son.
Gregory: Hey, Dad. Um, look, I need some advice.
Martin: (over phone) Well, you caught me at work. I'm on my break. What's going on?
Gregory: So one of my students has a parent that, um... wants to get into a physical altercation with me.
Martin: (over phone) What? That absolutely should not happen.
Gregory: Thank you. That is what I've been saying this whole time.
Martin: (over phone) You're this kid's teacher, and grown adults should not be fighting anyway.
Gregory: Exactly. I-I feel like I've been living in the Twilight Zone.
Martin: (over phone) Eddie men do not fight.
Gregory: Right.
Martin: (over phone) But we do fight back.
Gregory: Huh?
Martin: (over phone) You can't just stand there and get your ass beat. If he swings first, it's on! Parent of a student or not, you put your hip into it like this right here. You know, down goes Frazier! Like I taught you. Down goes Frazier! Yes, sir!
Gregory: All right, Dad, I gotta go.
Martin: (over phone) Call me back and tell me how you won, son. [Laughs] Mwah [Laughs] Like that right there!
Ava: Ding, ding, ding. Time to fight.
Ava: Wow. Two no shows? In the event of a cancellation, the house keeps the money.
Barbara: Ooh, I think that's him right there.
Tariq: Yeah, that's him. He got that mad walk.
Darnell: My bad, y'all. Parking is crazy around here.
Tariq: Oh, yeah. It's that golf course up the street, ain't it?
Darnell: Yeah, you heard they building houses, too? I bet we ain't gonna see the inside of 'em. [Laughs]
Tariq: I know that's right.
Darnell: Oh. There he is. Come on down, Playboy.
[Crowd murmurs]
Darnell: Uh-huh.
Janine: Gregory, you don't have to do this.
Barbara: It's not up to him, sweetheart. Did you hear the tenor of those knuckle cracks? That is a man determined.
Janine: You showed up today. That is so brave and, honestly, so attractive. [Giggles] No. Look, you need to go. He's gonna kill you.
Gregory: Look, he knows where I work, okay? I'm just trying to put an end to this. And don't worry. I'm going with Jacob's plan.
Janine: That makes me worry even more.
Gregory: I’m desperate here.
Jacob: Hey, Gregory Eddie!
Gregory: Yeah.
Jacob: I heard you've been talking trash... about gay people.
Gregory: Whoa!
Janine: What?
Gregory: No, no, no.
Jacob: Just- Just go with it.
Gregory: No, no, break character. No, stop!
Darnell: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. First you cross me. Now I'm hearing tell of homophobia.
Barbara: Gregory!
Ava: Janine!
Janine: I didn't know, I d…
Gregory: I’m not. I'm not. I'm really…
Tariq: You got regressive views, Gregory.
Darnell: That's not cool, man. We think my cousin's cousin might be gay. Now I gotta beat your ass for me, for Jabari, for him, and for Frank Ocean.
Mr. Johnson: Hey! Move it! The fight has started. They skipped the weigh-in.
Melissa: Okay. I'm coming. [Winces] Okay. I'm coming. I'm right behind ya, Mr. J. I'm... I'm getting there. [Grunts]
Tariq: All right, I got your back, man. Now open up, say “Ahh”. I put six Capri-Sun in here. All different flavors.
Gregory: I’m good.
Tariq: When you gonna let me in, man?
Melissa: [Grunts] I'm coming. I'm coming.
Ava: All right, gang, it's on and poppin'. Any last-minute action?
Barbara: Oh! I got five on it.
Janine: Really?
Jacob: Here, buddy. Feel better, now?
Janine: Somewhat.
Melissa: Wait up! Ow!
Ava: No bets less than ten dollars, you paupers!
Barbara: Shoot. I'm short. Yeah. Janine, can I borrow that five, please? Thank you. There you are.
Jacob: You really need to learn boundaries, Janine.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
(to camera) No. Yeah, I see the pattern. But it's Barbara.
Melissa: Don't let 'em start without me! Okay. Okay. All right. Just three steps. Come on, you can do it. No biggie. Ahhh! I need to go to the doctor.
Darnell: All right, let's get this over with. Jabari think I'm in the bathroom. He gonna think I fell in.
Gregory: You know what, Darnell? You can hit me if you need to. But I'm not gonna fight you.
Ava: What? Forfeit is crazy. At least get disqualified.
Gregory: I get it. You upset. But we both on Team Jabari.
Darnell: Yeah. So?
Gregory: So we fight each other right now we're no longer on the same team. Now, Jabari is doing extremely well and that's partly because I'm a real good teacher to him. But if I hit you, I become something else to him entirely. And I'm not willing to let that happen. So you do what you gotta do.
Mr. Johnson: Go ahead. Sucker-punch him.
Darnell: You know what? I'mma be the bigger man. But just know, if Jabari's grades start slipping, I'm coming back up here, I'm gonna beat your ass. All right?
Gregory: All right.
Darnell: All right. I'll see y'all at report card pick up.
Jacob: [Laughs] Oh, my God. I feel, like, so alive. I mean, nothing gets me more fired up than nonviolent conflict resolution.
Janine: [Weakly] Yeah, you better run.
Jacob: I do... I don't think he can hear you.
Janine: [Normal voice] Yeah. Thank goodness.
Tariq: Well, look at that. Talent manager. Conflict manager. That boy do it all. Good job, man. Now, uh, which one of y'all has seen my son? Just kidding. He is right here... in my heart.
Janine: Where is he?
Tariq: Karate class.
Janine: Okay.
Ava: The house wins. [Chuckles] Don't make those faces. We just paid for the Keurig.
Barbara: Oh! All right.
Ava: Not bad.
Janine: Whoa.
Gregory: Whoa, Melissa. You okay?
Melissa: Yeah. Grade 2 ankle sprain, wrist bruise, knee abrasion. So, yeah, like I said, no biggie. Glad I got it checked out. [Grunts] Ooh, wee! [Laughs]
Gregory: Net positive?
Janine: I’ll take it.
Gregory: Uh-huh.
Janine: Yeah. [Laughs] All right. I should get to class. Have a good day.
Gregory: You too.
Janine: And if anyone else tries to fight you, you tell me, all right? Remember I showed you those pressure points?
Gregory: Oh, yeah, I remember. I was passed out for like two hours.
Janine: I know you were faking it. You're a terrible actor.
(to camera) Gregory is not just a good teacher. He's a good man. I'm happy he didn't fight. Although he could have taken him if it came down to it. Have I mentioned he's strong? Like so strong. [Chuckles]
Lisa: Good morning, Mr. Eddie.
Gregory: Good morning. Welcome, Jabari.
Lisa: Go to your seat, baby. You know, I heard you diffused Darnell. That couldn't have been easy. You know, Jabari's last teacher swung on him.
Gregory: His last teacher?
Lisa: Mm-hmm.
Gregory: Oh, Barbara?
Lisa: Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah. But don't worry. He doesn't know what happened.
Gregory: [Sighs] Good.
Lisa: These kids are really lucky to have you. Bye, Mr. Eddie. Bye, baby.
Jabari: Bye.
Lisa: Be good.
Jabari: Okay. I used the pencil to do my math homework.
Gregory: Oh, yeah? Let's take a look at it. Okay. Yeah. Number three is wrong. But it's okay. That's why pencils have erasers.
Jabari: Okay, I'll try again.
Gregory: Okay.
(to camera) Connecting with your students... is still the best part of the job.
Barbara: Melissa, I am so proud of you for finally going to the doctor.
Melissa: Yeah, now I just gotta get him to leave me alone. "Book your next appointment”. “Make sure you keep weight off your leg”. “Quit taking other people's meds”.
Jacob: That was me this morning. What, did he tell you the same thing?
Janine: Oh, she's going down!
[Crowd exclaims]
Barbara: Sweet Jesus!
Janine: Oh!
[Group laughs]
Ava: Y’all must have forgot I'm me. [Chuckles]
Gregory: Respect, respect.
Barbara: Oh, Jesus.
Melissa: Impressive, impressive.
Jacob: Oh, my...
Ava: (to camera) I told y'all, I never slip. [Chuckles] Reflexes like a cat owned by Jackie Chan, baby. [Chuckles] But, um, yeah. Were they in shock? Good. 'Cause I'm not gonna lie. That hurt like hell. [Chuckles]
