Janine: Morning. Morning. Oh! Happy Halloween. Hi, guys. Hey. Uh, Ice Spice?
Viv: Like.
Janine: No. Box. Mm-hmm.
(to camera) It's Halloween here at Abbott, and some of the costumes can be a little risqué, so I have a box full of backups. I want everyone to have a shot at winning the big costume contest that's later today, so I need to make sure they're both age and fear appropriate.
Aah! Oh, my God. No. Too scary. Good Lord. Bin, please. Oh! Little Black Panther. Oh.
Charlie: Wakanda forever!
Janine: Maybe just Wakanda for the day. And maybe just keep your mask on. All right? Okay. Who's next?
[Maker’s “Hold’Em” playing]
♪♪
Barbara: Yes. [Laughs]
Nina: Oh, sorry I'm a little late.
Barbara: Oh, no problem, Nina. Good to see you.
Nina: So, uh, what do you have planned for Halloween today?
Barbara: (to camera) Every year, a teacher is given the responsibility of turning the library into a Halloween party that all of the students can enjoy. And this year, Abbott is keeping it classy, because all of the treats are up to me... the number-one trick!
Well, we're going to be playing some ghostly games, decorating some creepy crafts, and the main event, bobbing for apples.
Nina: You know, I was talking to some of the parents at the PTA meeting...
Barbara: Mm-hmm?
Nina: And we'd prefer if the kids didn't bob for apples. It's unsanitary.
Melissa: But she's been doing that since before I even got here. It's great.
Nina: We'd prefer you didn't do it.
Barbara: But it's tradition.
Nina: So is tipping, and I'd prefer we didn't do that either.
Barbara: Well, I will take that under consideration.
Nina: No consideration needed. Just don't do it.
Barbara: Can I offer you a cupcake?
Nina: Are you handing those out to the kids? 'Cause you can't do that. And we all know why.
Barbara: Do we?
Melissa: I certainly don't.
Nina: They could have razor blades in them. Or worse, nuts. Happy Halloween.
Barbara: The happiest.
Melissa: Boy, you prank your cousin one time by putting a razor blade in a cookie, and all of a sudden, it starts a nationwide hoax.
Janine: [Shrieks]
Gregory: I did a creepy scratch 'cause it's Halloween.
Janine: Yeah, I didn't like that.
Gregory: Oh.
Janine: But I love this! Oh! Okay. Say the line.
Gregory: [As Mr. DNA] Bingo. Dino DNA.
Janine: [Laughs] Oh, my God. Uncanny. It's like I'm watching the movie.
Gregory: [Normal voice] Okay, now say your line.
Janine: Oh, okay. Aah! I'm an ancient mosquito who drank dinosaur blood, and now I'm trapped in amber.
Gregory: It's spot on! We're such a movie couple.
Janine: I know. We love film.
Gregory: Uh-huh.
Janine: Um, Pat Sajak.
Gregory: Wow. You got a little wheel and everything.
Janine: Yeah. Although, interesting choice for you, given his politics.
Jacob: Well, I've taken a step back from Elon Musk's internet, and now it sometimes takes me weeks to find these things out. So, you know, I figure, if I didn't know...
Janine: Yeah, you already bought the suit when you found out.
Jacob: Yeah. No returns.
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: Okay. Now, do us.
Jacob: Gregory is sexy gumballs, and Janine is that thing on top of an exterminator truck.
[Gregory and Janine chuckle]
Gregory: Very funny.
Janine: Yeah, it's...
Gregory: Uh. You don't...
Janine: Do you really not know who we are?
Jacob: Well, give me a hint.
Janine: I’ll give you a hint.
Gregory: Okay. Chill chill, chill. It's a movie, starts with a "J."
Jacob: Jumanji! No, that doesn't make any sense. Um, Jennifer's Body.
Gregory: What? N-No. Jurassic Park. I-I'm Mr. DNA, and Janine is the mosquito trapped in amber.
Jacob: Ohhh, yeah. Yeah, I see it.
Gregory: Yeah.
Jacob: The best costumes always require an explanation.
Janine: Well, thank you, Jacob. [Chuckles awkwardly] Yeah. First, we're gonna win the Abbott costume contest later today. Then we're gonna win the Rubenstein's contest tonight.
Gregory: Get your broom out, brother. It's gonna be a sweep.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Jacob: [Chuckles] A sweetie sweep. Hey, who wants a spin?
Janine: Yeah, sure. I'll go.
Gregory: Uh-huh.
Janine: Okay. Yeah. [Chuckles] Oh. Well, accurate. Yeah.
Gregory: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Janine: That was fun.
Gregory: Yeah.
Mr. Johnson: Who you supposed to be?
Ava: I kill vampires, and I hate taxes.
Ms. Inez: Ah, Blade.
Jacob: What about you, Mr. Johnson?
Mr. Johnson: Give you a hint. I can ball out, boy, but I'd rather be in Fallout Boy.
Melissa: He's emo Jimmy Butler. Duh! There's not a costume I don't get.
Jacob: Oh, okay. Yeah, I-I get it.
Mr. Johnson: It hurts when you lie, Jacob.
(to camera) Some days, I wonder if anyone will ever understand me.
Barbara: Would anyone care for a tasty cupcake?
Melissa: Ooh.
Barbara: Since apparently I cannot give them to my students anymore.
Ava: Yeah. Can't have that. [Chuckles] Might have razor, blades in 'em.
Barbara: Then why are you taking one?
Ava: Well, I know you didn't put razor blades in them. You ain't got that dog in you. [Chuckles]
Barbara: Then why would you say they might? Since when might cupcakes have razor blades in them? Since when can't kids bob for apples because it's unsanitary?
Jacob: Oh, that I get. It's objectively gross.
Barbara: Jacob, you are Pat Sajak. Wheel of Fortune is an institution. You, above all, should understand the importance of tradition. My students have bobbed for apples since I started here at Abbott, and not one time has anyone reported sick! And now I don't have a main event for the library.
Ava: Well, you gotta figure out how to fill that time. Mm. Wait, I got it. You can carve pumpkins and call 'em black-o'-lanterns.
Melissa: Okay, I won't comment on the name, but that's a bad idea.
Jacob: What about ghost stories? Roz, you could do the voices.
Ms. Inez: Oh, I am not reading for three hours straight.
Ava: Just like a cat.
Ava and Melissa: Lazy.
Barbara: Now, you all, it's not as if Roz could do that many voices anyway.
Ms. Inez: [Eastern European Accent] Okay, fine. I will do it. [Laughs] [Normal Voice] Wait.
Gregory: I’m waiting for Janine so we can make our big entrance. It is a couples costume, after all.
Janine: [Panting] Ready.
Gregory: Ready.
Melissa: Okay, okay. Don't tell me. I'm 8 for 8 today. I'll get it. You're... You are, um, teachers in crappy costumes. I don't... [Laughs]
Janine: [Laughs] Oh, you know what? We are standing on the wrong side of each other. We talked about this.
Gregory: Hold, please.
Janine: A moment, sorry.
Ava: Mosquito in amber and Mr. DNA.
Jacob: From Jurassic Park. Yeah, I got it earlier in one guess.
Janine: Yeah.
Barbara: Oh, babies, this is... terrible.
Janine: [Scoffs] What? No, it is not. I mean, come on. Ava gets it.
Ava: Yeah, I get it. I didn't say it was good. I know what rye bread is. It's still nasty.
Melissa: Yeah, I mean, it doesn't even make sense as a concept.
Gregory: Oh, that's 'cause you don't know the movie.
Melissa: Oh, I'm sorry, what don't I know about the oldest movie in history to surpass $1 billion in ticket sales?
(to camera) [Bleep] kids think they're the only ones that know anything about movies.
Janine: You guys, I'm sorry, but you don't know what you're talking about. I mean, whose couples costume is touching ours?
Melissa: [Chuckles] Mine.
Gregory: You are a single guinea pig.
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Ms. Inez: I say this not as a hater, but as a connoisseur of culture.
Janine: When'd you start coming in the lounge?
Ms. Inez: The two of you don't stand a chance at that costume contest.
Ava: Well, I'll say it as a hater. Hatily. Y'all gonna lose.
Barbara: But you are going to do it being so very... yourselves. And that's beautiful.
Melissa: Yeah. This costume's very on brand.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Gregory: And what does that mean?
Ava: She means you're a headass couple doing headass things. Mm.
Janine: I'm sorry, "headass"?
Jacob: Look, in this scenario, I think it refers to two lovers who are in their own slightly delusional, somewhat cheesy bubble. You know, unable to see how the outside world is perceiving them.
Gregory: Stop explaining slang.
Janine: And I know what it means, Jacob. And we're not it at all, so...
Ms. Inez: Oh, I disagree, Mr. Headass and Headass Trapped in Amber.
Barbara: Oh, I'm seeing a heap of headassery.
Melissa: Yeah, it's like you're in your own little headass world, thinking you're so cute.
Gregory: Hey, we are cute!
Jacob: Cutest little headasses I ever saw.
Janine: We are not headass!
Ava: Yeah? Then what's this?
[Laughter]
Ms. Inez: Let me see! Let me see! Show me, show me.
Barbara: Perfect.
[Laughter continues]
Barbara: Yes! Welcome, welcome, all. Come on in.
Melissa: So you guys decided to still go with the bad costumes?
Janine: They're not bad.
Melissa: Oh, I'm sorry, headass.
Gregory: So, a headass costume would be like PB & J...
Janine: Yes.
Gregory: Or salt and pepper...
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Gregory: Or ketchup and mustard.
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: Our costumes are thoughtful.
Janine: Whip smart.
Gregory: High brow.
Melissa: Headass.
Barbara: [Deep voice] And he heard a voice that said, "Where is my golden arm?"
Barbara and Ms. Inez: You've got it!
Bird: Was that supposed to be scary?
Trina the Toilet: Do Skibidi Toilet next!
Mr. Johnson: I got a ghost story so scary, it'll make your toenails curl.
Barbara: Okay!
Mr. Johnson: Vietnam, 1971. I was on vacation.
Barbara: Stop, Mr. Johnson. This isn't working.
Mr. Johnson: My suffering continues.
Ms. Inez: Um, I'm all out of stories, and we got an hour and a half to kill.
[Barbara and Ms. Inez Chuckle awkwardly]
[Students chattering indistinctly]
Barbara: Attention, everyone. It's time to pivot.
(to camera) I don't care what those parents say. They are not here in the trenches. So we are bobbing for apples.
Bird: Hey, what are y'all dressed as?
Janine: Oh, well, I am the mosquito in amber from "Jurassic Park."
Gregory: And I'm Mr. DNA.
Bird: What is that?
Gregory: [As Mr. DNA] A DNA strand is the blueprint to all living creatures. [Chuckles] [Normal voice] You know, from the movie.
Bird: Why aren't you dinosaurs?
Janine: Well, because the mosquito and Mr. DNA are the bedrock of the film.
Bird: You could have just been dinosaurs.
Melissa: It's a valid point.
Janine: I’m not gonna lie. I'm starting to think we're not gonna win later. I mean, the teachers not getting it is one thing, but the kids don't seem to get it either, so...
Gregory: Hey. Do not let that kid shake your confidence, okay?
Janine: Yeah. Okay.
Gregory: Have you seen his drawings? They're ass.
Janine: They are. They're ass. They're really bad. He doesn't know how to shade...
Gregory: Mnh-mnh.
Janine: Or stay in the lines or crosshatch.
Gregory: What does he know about art and culture?
Janine: You're right. Jerk.
Gregory: Nothing.
Barbara: Now it is time to bob for apples! You go first. There you go.
Princess: Mrs. Howard, our parents said we can't do that.
Barbara: I understand. And that is why we are not going to tell any of our parents. After all, it's Halloween, a day for deceit. So shhhhh!
Princess: Actually, that was just an excuse. I don't want to do it.
Barbara: Okay, fine. Sit it out. More apples for the rest of us.
Construction Worker: I don't want to either.
Barbara: Wait. Why not?
Construction Worker: Because the water goes up my nose, and it's gross, and it's germy.
Princess: And we all just had ringworm!
Barbara: Come on. This is gonna be fun! It's a tradition. My students have been doing this since when I first started teaching.
Princess: Yeah, but that was like a thousand years ago.
Melissa: Mr. Gregory's class did it last year, and they had a blast. Go ahead. Tell them how much fun it was.
Trina the Toilet: I didn't say anything last year, but I think it's nasty.
Melissa: Okay. You're dressed as a toilet, kid.
Gregory: Which should tell you how gross it is.
Barbara: Okay, fine. I will show you just how much fun it can be.
Janine: Oh, wow. Oh, she's going in.
Gregory: Oh!
Melissa: Yeah! How do you like them apples? Don't come back up 'til you get all of 'em, Barb! Whoo! [Laughs]
[Students murmuring]
[Students screaming]
Barbara: See how much fun this is, kids? I'm gonna get one the next time. [Exhales sharply]
Ms. Inez: Oh, sure, let's just splash water everywhere in the only carpeted room in the school.
[Indistinct chatter]
Janine: What is Melissa doing?
Gregory: Hey, don't worry about that, okay? It's go time.
Janine: Okay. How do I look?
Gregory: Like we're about to win a costume contest.
Janine: Right?
Gregory: Mm-hmm.
Ava: It's time for the pairs. All my dynamic duos, come on out. Corn and Scarecrow, Mr. DNA and Mosquito Trapped in Amber, and M-Ms. Schemmenti!
Andrew: Ms. Schemmenti, where's your partner?
Melissa: I’m so glad you asked that, Andrew. Presenting Sweet Cheeks and... Ms. Schemmenti!
[Applause]
Mr. Johnson: Oh, my God! [Chuckles] I don't know who's who!
Gregory: What? It... It's gimmicky.
Janine: Yeah, I mean, it's derivative. I've definitely seen it before.
Gregory: Right?
Janine: Where did she get that wig?
Ava: And the winner is, by unanimous decision, without a doubt, Ms. Schemmenti and Sweet Cheeks!
Gregory: Excuse me?
[Cheers and applause]
Melissa: Oh, my God. Oh my God. Thank you so much. It took me 14 hours to sew this little pleather jacket, and if we had lost, I would have been in a really dark place, so thank you. Thanks so much, y'all.
[Cheers and applause continue]
Janine: Okay. But we would have gotten second, right?
Courtney: No, you wouldn't have. The scarecrow and the corn had it in the bag.
Andrew: What can we say? It lacks a certain je ne sais quoi.
Gregory: Oh, yeah, says the goat.
Andrew: That's right. The GOAT, Muhammad Ali.
Janine: Oh.
Gregory: That's really good.
Janine: Yeah, that's very good.
Gregory: That's very good.
Janine: Andrew, that's very creative.
Ava: Our next category is unpopular teachers that insisted on participating anyway. We've got... Y'all see 'em.
Courtney: Mr. Hill, who are you supposed to be?
Jacob: Oh, I'm, uh... I'm... I'm Pat Sajak.
Andrew: Who's that?
Jacob: Yeah. You guys probably don't know him. It's... It's fine. I will take my "L" expeditiously.
Barbara: Of course they know him! The man is an icon! Okay, come on, show of hands. Who knows Mr. Patrick Sajak?
Melissa: Barb, they don't know him.
Barbara: We just need to jog their memory.
Andrew: Why is she standing up?
Courtney: No idea.
Barbara: Come on, y'all! Pulling up the TV tray with a piping hot pot pie to watch the Wheel! It's an American tradition. Like bobbing for apples. Spin the wheel, Jacob.
Jacob: Yep. [Chuckles awkwardly]
Barbara: Harder! Ha, ha! Oh, kids. You don't know this?
Jacob: It's probably because he doesn't even host "Wheel of Fortune" anymore.
Barbara: What you talking about, boy?
Jacob: Well, he's retired. Forty-one years. Eight-thousand ‘sodes. He had a good run.
Barbara: Well, what are they going to do without him, huh? Spin the wheel themselves?
Jacob: Well, they always, uh...
Barbara: Jacob, leave the stage and come back so that you can receive the level of applause and appreciation that you deserve.
Jacob: Okay.
Barbara: Mm-hmm!
Melissa: Barb, let's just let this go, and then later, we'll get a drink with the kids.
Barbara: I do not need a drink, Melissa.
Melissa: Okay.
Barbara: I need these children to recognize a cultural icon. Yes! Ha, ha, ha!
[Scattered muttering]
Barbara: I said clap for Pat Sajak, or Halloween is canceled!
Melissa: Oh.
[Nervous applause, audience murmuring]
Barbara: Oh! Maybe I do need a drink.
Melissa: Yeah.
Barbara: Sorry.
[“Freaks Come Out At Night” by Whodini playing]
Janine: Hey! [Chuckles] This costume is itchy. The last costume wasn't itchy.
Gregory:I have no access to my pockets.
Janine: (to camera) So, we realized that our original costumes were going over people's heads.
Gregory: (to camera) Too high brow.
Janine: (to camera) Yeah. So we stopped at Spirit Halloween and picked up something else.
Gregory: With these costumes, which are actually headass, we have a chance of winning, which we want to do.
Janine: (to camera) Yeah, 'cause we want people to look at us and go, "They go good together."
Gregory: Mm-hmm.
Janine: ‘Cause we do go get together, like peanut butter and jelly.
Gregory: (to camera) GE & J.
Janine: [Sighs]
Iced Coffee: Oh! Peanut Butter, Jelly! Nom, nom, nom! [Laughs]
[Janine and Gregory laugh flatly]
Gregory and Janine: Thank you.
Gregory: I’m not even a protein. I'm basically just candy.
Janine: I told you we could switch.
Gregory: No, it's fine, it's fine. How do I get to my phone?
Barbara: I don't know why not being able to bob for apples bothered me so much, but it really did. I don't know. I... I just don't know.
Melissa: Barb, you lost a tradition.
Barbara: Yeah. That's right.
Melissa: Okay. So, my family used to barbecue on the lawn of the old Coal and Iron Police headquarters. And then, one year, a burning coal mysteriously found its way into the building, and it burned down. But the next year, we found a new site to desecrate, because that's what you do.
Barbara: Yeah, but I've been bobbing since before I can remember. I was so good at it. They used to call me Bob-ra.
[Melissa laughing]
Barbara: I’m not going to forget this. The day I stopped doing something I don't even remember starting.
Melissa: Well, tonight, we'll just start a new tradition, okay? 'Cause we keep on pushing. We adjust.
Barbara: Yeah, 'cause things never stop changing.
Jacob: Pat Sajak reporting for duty.
Herb: Pat Sajak.
Jacob: Pat Sajak.
Herb: Did you know...
Jacob: Yeah, I-I know. I know. I know now, okay? But not until after I made the wheel. And what am I supposed to do with this thing? Just, like, throw it out? Look at the craftsmanship.
Janine: Hi! Uh, peanut butter.
Gregory: And jelly.
Herb: Peanut butter, your tag's still on.
Janine: Really? I don't... Where? I don't see it.
Gregory: Oh, wait. Spin around. Okay. Hold on.
Janine: Wait, wait. Don't pop it. Gregory, look at that couple's costume.
Gregory and Janine: Ash Wednesday.
Gregory: That's headass.
Janine: It is. Uh, we'd like to change our submission, please. [Clears throat]
Gregory: Um, hey, what are you doing?
Janine: Look, look, look, look, look. We need to go back to our original costumes.
Gregory: But no one will get it.
Janine: We'll get it. And that's all that matters. Look, as long as we are in our own bubble together, no one could ever pop it. So, can we change our submission?
Herb: Imagine if I said no.
Gregory: I’m going to be Mr. DNA.
Janine: And I am going to be a mosquito trapped in amber.
Herb: Whatever.
Gregory: Did you write it down?
Janine: Did you write it down?
Herb: Yeah. I'm writing it.
Gregory: Okay.
Shot Girl: All right, who wants to bob for apple schnapps?
Melissa: Yep. Two right here. Right here, right here. Okay. There you go. Thanks, sweetheart. Okay. Come on, Bob-ra, let's see what you got. [Muffled] Ready? Whoo! [Giggles] Oh! Oh, boo! Are we still doing nurses costumes? Come on. That's not even a sexy one. [Chuckles]
Barbara: Melissa, I think that person is an actual nurse.
Melissa: I said what I said. See, this could be our new tradition. Two more.
Alisha: The next contestants are... Uh, what? [Laughs] Oh, my God, I don't even know.
Janine: I knew he wasn't gonna write it down.
Gregory: It's fine. I know. Just go. Just go.
Janine: Why didn't he write it down?
Gregory: Let's go, let's go, let's go. It's okay.
Janine: Look at this. I mean, you can tell that we...
Gregory: No, no, no, no, no, no.
Janine: Hey. Hi every...
Gregory: Ow.
Janine: Oh.
Gregory: [Whispers] I'm so sorry.
Janine: You might recognize us from Steven Spielberg's masterpiece, Jurassic Park.
Gregory: [Normal Voice] I’m the incredibly clever way of providing exposition, Mr. DNA.
Janine: He looks just like it. And I... I... am a riveting plot device, the mosquito trapped in amber. [Chuckles] Oh. [Chuckles] Okay.
Jacob: Well, I love it! Hear, hear! Innovative.
Mr. Johnson: Would you cut it out?
Janine: Thank you, persons we don't know.
Alisha: Okay, let's hear it for the effort.
Janine: No!
[Scattered applause]
Alisha: Okay. Who's next?
[Crowd “Oohs”]
Alisha: [Chuckling] Whoa-ho-ho-ho! Next up, we have Grace Jones with a sword!
Ava: I’m Blade, bitch.
[Cheers and applause]
Ava: Shing! Shing!
[Applause continues]
Shot Girl: Who wants to bob for more shots?
Melissa: Oh, yes. Right here. I already paid for 'em. Take one. Get you one, Barbara.
Barbara: You know, I'm gonna head out.
Melissa: What? Are you okay?
Barbara: Oh, this has been fun. I'm just a little tired.
Ava: Do you need me to walk you to your car? This sword only looks fake.
Barbara: [Chuckles] Thank you. I'll be fine. Okay. You all get home safe, now.
Jacob: We will.
Melissa: Oh, my God, Sweet Cheeks! Look for Sweet Cheeks! Look for him! Hey, everybody, look for a guinea pig! It looks like me, but little. Can you see anything? Nope. Wait a minute. Never mind! Didn't bring him! As you were.
[Laughter]
Melissa: I didn't bring him!
Jacob: To Sweet Cheeks!
[Cheering]
Barbara: (to camera) It certainly was a different Halloween for me. Tried a few new things. That's the interesting thing about traditions. I mean, the first time you do them, it's just something you're testing out. There's something so beautiful about unwittingly discovering things that will become so important to you and those you hold dear. On the bright side, I heard that Pat Sajak is going to be hosting Celebrity Wheel of Fortune, and, well, maybe I can replace Vanna White. What do you think?
Ava: [Laughs] Yeah, but you're a ghost every year.
[Indistinct chatter]
Vampire: Daywalker! [Hisses]
Ava: Bloodsuckers! Shing! Whoosh! Aah! Yaaah!
[Laughter]
Ava: All right. See y'all at school tomorrow. Aah!
