Delivery Driver: Delivery.
Ava: Oh, it's the computers the golf course bribed us with. Finally. You're not gonna bring 'em inside? Zero stars.
Barbara: Did he just leave everything on the sidewalk like this?
Ava: Okay, good. You guys are here. We don't have insurance, so lift with your legs, brace your back.
Barbara: Ava, my back does not brace. Call that young man back.
Ava: You got his phone number, Barb?
Barbara: I will dial 411 before I pick up-
Ava: Jesus would help.
Barbara: Jesus was lean, thirty-three, with muscles.
Ava: Mmm. Hot.
Janine: Weren't there, like, four more of these?
Barbara: Ah!
Gregory: We were robbed.
Jacob: Well, at least this time, I wasn't slapped.
Gregory: Probably already selling 'em on Broad Street by now.
Jacob: You know what, maybe they needed 'em.
Jaquon: Hey. I got computers for the low-low. Buy three, get one free. Talk money to me.
Jacob: How much, brother?
Janine: No.
Gregory: No.
Barbara: Jaquon! I will call your mother. Put those things back!
Jaquon: Don’t- Don't do that.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
[Maker’s “Hold’em” playing]
♪♪
Janine: And that turtle is for you. Enjoy your new friend.
Ms. Inez: Uh, uh, Janine?
Janine: Yeah.
Ms. Inez: Why are there loose animals in the library? They're gonna put the funk in Funk & Wagnalls.
Janine: Yeah, no, I know, but they're caged, and I will clean up. I promise. Uh, Ms. Washington, a goldfish for you.
(to camera) I have a really big win to share. We asked the district for funding for more afterschool programs, so they gave us $50 for class pets instead. Sometimes you gotta shoot for the moon, and if you miss, you land on a star... fish. Starfish.
And, Mrs. Howard, I got you the fish you asked for.
Barbara: Ohh! I have a flowy gown in this very shade of magenta.
Janine: And, Gregory, your pet rock. Thank you so much for being budget conscious.
Gregory: Oh, it wasn't because of that. I had one of these growing up.
Janine: Alrighty. Okay, guinea pig for me and a guinea pig for- Melissa! Guinea pig.
Melissa: What?
Janine: You forgot to fill out the form, and the pet store was having a BOGO sale, so...
Melissa: Yeah, I didn't forget to fill it out. I didn't want one. I don't like pets.
Janine: Melissa. Hey, what do you mean, you don't like pets?
Melissa: I don't like 'em. I never had 'em growing up 'cause they're just too much work. They smell, then they die, and you gotta explain that to the kids. It's too much. I don't want it.
Janine: Well, look, look, what if I-I help you out? You know, I will clean its cage, I'll feed it. You won't have to lift a finger. Come on, Mellie Mel, your kids will love it. Besides, the kids are gonna be really upset if they're the only ones without a class pet. Don't want that, now, do ya?
Melissa: You're right in a way that really pisses me off, kid.
Janine: Aww, thank you. Okay. And, Mr. Johnson, you requested a bear.
Mr. Johnson: I sure did.
Janine: Okay. Would you settle for a bear hug?
Mr. Johnson: [Laughs] D'aww.
Janine: [Laughs] Okay.
Ms. Inez: Aww. It smells like ass in here.
Janine: Yeah, it really does. I'm so sorry.
Jacob: Hey, Ava. I've set up my computer, but I don't have any of the district software, so I'm putting in a ticket at the old district.
Ava: No, you are not. They don't even know we took these computers as bribes. We're not even allowed to accept donated computers. I got a plan.
(to camera) The district won't service any computers that don't belong to them, but they drop the ball all the time, so I'll just tell them that I submitted a ticket a long time ago for these computers that they gave us, that they didn't keep track of. I like to cause doubt and confusion by creating a memory that doesn't exist. Some call it gaslighting. I call it kids have computers in their classrooms.
Janine: Okay. [Gasps] You just gotta watch out for this one 'cause he's a biter. [Chuckles] So-
Melissa: Yeah, I'll tell you what. If that thing bites me, I'm fast-balling it into the wall.
Janine: Okay, but biting is a sign of... affection. I- I... Watch out.
Melissa: He didn't bite me.
Janine: He's warming up- God! Ooh! Bared his teeth at me. What a smile.
Melissa: He likes your sweater.
Janine: Oh? [Chuckles] Odd way of showing it.
Barbara: The real question is...
Jacob: Mm-hmm.
Ava: We just hanging out? Look, some IT wonk is coming by today to get the computers 'putin. He cannot know they're donated, so if you love new computers, lie like an old carpet.
Barbara: I cannot, I do not, I will not lie.
Ava: I heard you tell Janine she looked cool in that goofy sweater.
Barbara: Okay, you caught me.
Ava: All you have to do is play dumb. Jacob, that face you're making right now is perfect. Dumb as hell.
Jacob: What? This is my normal face. Besides, I-I can't play dumb.
O’Shon: Hi, I'm O'Shon.
Jacob: Oh. [Irish accent] Top o' the morning to you, O'Shon. [Normal voice] I'm O'Jacob. No, I'm just joking. It's just Jacob. [Chuckles] Just... Just a little Irish humor for you, bloke. Sorry, I'm dumb. Wow. I can do it.
O'Shon: I guess, uh, we lost the ticket to provide tech support. Uh, we get backlogged sometimes, but no excuses. I'm here now.
Ava: Yeah, you really screwed the pooch on that one, so if you could just install the software and be on your way.
O’Shon: It'll take a few days to get everything set up, but I'll get on it now.
Jacob: [Gasps] O'Shon? Crikey.
Barbara: That man is handsome.
Ava: First of all, he wears glasses. Second of all, you two need a pair if you think he's attractive. Please.
Gregory: I’m just saying, of the three rock types, I think it's really cool that my kids got a metamorphic rock. Imagine me stuck with some kind of sorry sedimentary rock.
Janine: Totally. No. So very, very cool. [Chuckles]
Gregory: Alright. Well, you know who doesn't bite?
Janine: Who?
Gregory: Dwayne "The Pet" Rockson.
Janine: Okay. Gregory, it is their love language. Guinea pigs cannot lick like cats and dogs can, so...
Mr. Johnson: Don't let that guinea pig loose in your classroom. You know they grow to the size of their environment, right?
Gregory: I think you're thinking of goldfish.
Janine: Yeah.
Mr. Johnson: Explain grizzlies, then, dumbass.
Janine: What do you got there?
Melissa: Oh, I'll tell you what I got here.
Gregory: Why even ask?
Melissa: My entire afternoon is what I've got here. First, the kids said the guinea pig was bored, so I had to get him this little straw mat for it to gnaw on. Then, Sweet Cheeks didn't like that cheap feed, so I gotta meal prep this hay. Then, that stupid straw mattress wasn't comfy enough, so I had to build this tiny house stick by stick. Thanks a lot, Teagues. I knew it, this was a bad idea from the jump.
(to camera) This is exactly why people shouldn't have pets. I don't have time to do my job and take care of some rat. What do I look like, April O'Neil? Guinea pig's not even that cute. I hate that freaking guinea pig. What?
Janine: Melissa, I'm sorry this guinea pig is making your life harder. Look, I'm gonna take it back to the store. Maybe we can use that $4.77 on something else.
Melissa: No way. My kids would lose it. Sweet Cheeks and I are stuck with each other 'til one of us dies, and it ain't gonna be me.
Janine: Alright, well, at least you don't have to worry about him over the weekend, so...
Melissa: What does that mean?
Janine: You know, the students, they take turns hosting the pets over the weekends. The kids get to learn responsibility, and the guinea pigs get to see what a big, beautiful world it is out there.
Melissa: Yeah, yeah. Okay. Well, good.
Janine: Yeah.
Melissa: As long as it's out of my gorgeous hair. [Exhales]
O’Shon: These computers are pretty new for a three-year-old ticket.
Barbara: Oh, I wouldn't know. [Chuckles] These contraptions all seem the same to me.
O’Shon: [Chuckles] Okay. It's just that, these computers, they have features I usually only see...
Barbara: But, you know, how would one turn on a machine such as this?
(to camera) I know how to start these computers. I just have to throw this handsome young man off the scent for the greater good. Forgive me, Lord.
O’Shon: Ma'am, uh, please don't take this the wrong way...
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
O’Shon: But are you familiar with this thing? Like updating it, opening your browser, checking your email? That’s- That's all good?
Barbara: Oh, I can check an email. [Chuckles] My real question is, what is an email?
O’Shon: This shouldn't take too long. You've got everything pretty set up. You just need the permissions and licenses.
Jacob: Yeah. They call me Jacob Jobs around these parts 'cause I'm always... click-clacking.
O’Shon: Cool.
Jacob: O'Shon, is it? What if you tell me everything you know about computers?
Melissa: Finally, rule number eleven- Designated guinea pig food and filtered water only. Okay? Nothing else. You got it, guys? That star next to the rule means it's extra important.
Melissa’s Student: They all have stars.
Melissa: That's 'cause they're all important. No, honey. Come on. No tapping. It stresses Sweet Cheeks out. Alright, let's see. Who's going to take him first? Aaron. You gotta stop that, kid. Come on. You could hurt yourself.
Aaron: No, I can't. I don't feel pain. Do guinea pigs?
Melissa: No more pencils for Aaron.
O’Shon: After this, I'll hit the library, and then I'm done. They're not the most tech savvy, but you got a really nice staff.
Ava: Yeah, we're just one big family here. [Chuckles]
O’Shon: Oh, you already got a few programs on here. Wow. This is some extremely high-powered editing and special effects software. Are you making a big-budget movie? [Chuckles]
Ava: Well, I'm not gonna let a souped-up graphics card and a fourteenth generation processor go to waste. I'm editing a series of deepfakes of Janine. She has no idea what's coming. [Laughs] Alright, I'm gonna grab a coffee. Incognito Mode doesn't leave a history, right? Auf Wiedersehen.
O’Shon: The district doesn't have a fourteenth generation of anything.
Janine: So, still going to the batting cages this weekend?
Gregory: Absolutely. I still have a few holes in my swing.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Gregory: You wanna come take some hacks with me?
Janine: I don't know what that means, but, yeah, I do.
Gregory: It's okay. I'll teach you.
Janine: Okay. I can't wait to learn.
Barbara: Yuck. Somebody please give me a lobotomy.
Melissa: Well, guess who's got two thumbs and a guinea pig to dispose of?
Janine: What?
Melissa: Yep. Came in this morning, and Sweet Cheeks was belly up.
Gregory: See, this is exactly why you should've got a pet rock. My students are developing a bond that will last for eternity.
Barbara: Melissa, are you sure it's dead? Just the other day, I thought my fish was dead. She was just taking her beauty sleep. Maybe I ought to add a tiny vanity to her aquarium. Yes. Hey, Shirley, order me a little fish mirror for Queen LaSeafah. Mmm. Yeah.
Melissa: See, I told you this was gonna happen.
Janine: No, they told me at the store that the guinea pig would live for at least the school year.
Melissa: Well, guess what? They're not guinea pig doctors, are they? It's gone. So now I gotta give my kids the death talk.
Janine: Oh, my God, Melissa, I am... I'm so sorry. This is a disaster. Oh. Um, can I get you anything? Grief counseling, a hug, or...
Melissa: No!
Janine: I can take you out for a drink?
Melissa: Janine, I don't need a beer for a dead guinea pig, okay? I'm gonna do what I always do. I'mma go home, throw some baby backs in the slow cooker, and watch Housewives.
Janine: Okay, well, maybe I can come over.
Melissa: That's really not necessary. Also, I'm getting my carpets cleaned tonight.
Janine: Oh, but... while you cook ribs? And also at night?
Melissa: Yeah, I got a discount. What, you want me to eat ribs on a dirty floor? Also, what is with all the questions, huh?
Gregory: Whoa.
Melissa: I mean, are we good?
Janine: We're good.
Gregory: Are you good?
Melissa: Ugh. My God.
Barbara: Janine, don't get hurt.
Janine: What?
(to camera) I feel awful. I mean, I pushed Melissa to do something she didn't want, and it didn't work out. Should not have tried to assert my guinea pig agenda. [Sighs] I might be grown, but I can still make rookie mistakes.
Melissa: I’m so sorry, but that's just, you know, the circle of life. Right, kids? Life is just like that. To quote Frank Sinatra's "That's Life," "That's life." So, if you want, just come to me with any questions you might have, and rest assured that Sweet Cheeks is in a better place.
Barbara: Mmm-mmm-mmm. That man put the "form" in information technology.
Jacob: Yeah. He's a real Firefox.
Mr. Johnson: Get your ass on Chrome. Anyway, he looks just like me five years ago, but with more hair.
Ava: This man is a weenie.
O’Shon: Excuse me, Principal Coleman, can I talk to you for a second about the computers?
Ava: Sure.
Ms. Inez: Grand rising, brother.
O’Shon: Good afternoon.
Ms. Inez: Are you the man that we have to thank for being able to use these wonderful computers?
O’Shon: I just installed some new programs, is all.
Ms. Inez: Well, it is just a blessing to be able to work on brand-new computers.
Jacob: The kids are, uh- the kids are loving it. Instead of Oregon Trail, they now have Roblox, which they shouldn't be playing at school, but, uh, still. [Chuckles] It's going to be a real difference maker.
Barbara: Mm-hmm. These new computers are going to put my students ahead of the curve that so often wants to leave them behind. Mm.
Ava: So, I don't have all day.
Student: Oh, my God. The computers have Khan Academy.
[Students chattering]
Ava: What did you want to tell me?
O’Shon: Yeah, uh, you know what? It can wait.
Janine: Hey. Oh! Bye, Melissa.
Jacob: Hey, would you mind giving me a ride to my place?
Janine: Uh, yeah, sure. But didn't your ride just walk out? You didn't come in with Melissa?
Jacob: She's, uh, going out.
Janine: Really? Going out? She told me she had ribs in the slow cooker and that she was getting her carpets cleaned, so...
Jacob: Oh, is that what she's calling it now? TMI.
Janine: What are you talking about?
Jacob: She told me she's got a date.
Janine: Really? Now, why would she lie about that?
Jacob: I think she's keeping it super secret because she's, like, really into him.
Janine: Huh.
Jacob: She already has a nickname for him.
Janine: Oh, yeah?
Jacob: She calls him "Sweet Cheeks."
Janine: "Sweet Cheeks"?
Jacob: Mm-hmm. I almost miss when I knew less about her.
Janine: Excuse me. Sorry. Um...
Jacob: Matter of fact, can we just go get a... drink?
Melissa: ♪ But guinea pigs just wanna have fu-un ♪ Oh, and Sweet Cheeks just wanna have ♪ You just wanna ♪
Melissa: Oh, holy...
Janine: [Chuckles] I got a question for you, Melissa.
Melissa: I didn't even see you come in.
Janine: [Scoffs] Oh, Melissa, Melissa, Melissa. So, how was your carpet cleaner?
Melissa: Yeah, fine.
Janine: Yeah? Carpets all clean?
Melissa: Very.
Janine: Mm-hmm? All polished up?
Melissa: Okay, shampooed, but yeah.
Janine: Interesting. Oh.
Gregory: You're asking the wrong questions.
Janine: Okay. So, Melissa, where'd you put Sweet Cheeks' body?
Melissa: Trashed it.
Janine: Oh, yeah? Which trash?
Melissa: Hey, what are you getting at, now?
Janine: [Laughs] This guy. How much time did you do on that slow cooker? And at what temperature?
Gregory: What's happening here? Just tell her.
Janine: I know Sweet Cheeks is alive. Yeah. I saw you driving off after school with him. What kind of nefarious plan you got here, Melissa? What, you gonna fix him up and flip him for profit, huh? Wire his wheel to your house so you never have to pay for electricity again?
Melissa: No!
Janine: Then what is it?
Melissa: I love him. Okay? I love Sweet Cheeks. He grew on me. I took him home.
Janine: Wait. So you gave the death talk to your class for a guinea pig that still spins and bites?
Barbara: Oh, my Lazarus. Mm! Melissa, you didn't.
Jacob: Hey, now that I know what's really going on, do you think we could actually get the carpets cleaned?
Melissa: No!
Ava: Plot twist. The "M" in M. Night Shyamalan stands for "Melissa."
Janine: Yeah, yeah. Give it up, Melissa Night Shyamalan.
Gregory: Guys, there are other directors. Just because he's local does not mean he's the only director.
Janine: You are bringing Sweet Cheeks back in here today. Or else.
Melissa: Or else...?
Janine: Or else I'm going to tell your kids that he's still alive, and you're going to have to deal with it. You have until after lunch.
O’Shon: Hey, I need to speak to you.
Ava: Who you talking to?
O’Shon: You.
Ava: What do you want?
O’Shon: I know there wasn't a lost ticket, and I know that the district did not give you these computers.
Ava: [Whispers] Damn it! [Normal voice] Who gave it away? Barb?
O’Shon: It was Principal Coleman.
Ava: Well, that can't be right. That's me!
O’Shon: When you mentioned the processor, it confirmed what I was already thinking. Even the newest computers that the district distributes don't have the fourteenth-generation processor. Where did you get these?
Ava: Tuh! You think I got in this chair by folding under pressure?
O’Shon: No. But if you don't tell me, I have to assume they're stolen and report it.
Ava: We got the rich people building the golf course to donate them.
O’Shon: You got them to?
Ava: Fine. It was blackmail, black man. A bribe, quid pro quo. They were doing illegal work, and we needed the resources.
O’Shon: Look, the district is not going to allow this.
Ava: You know what? Take them. I'll find another way to get my kids computers.
O’Shon: I’m not gonna report you. It's obvious that you all need these computers, and scheming is the only way that you're able to get them.
Ava: I beg my pardon?
O’Shon: But we need to do things on my terms so that none of us get caught. I'm not losing my job over this. And I know you do not want to lose yours.
Ava: You gone stop talking to me like that. Have a seat.
Melissa: Okay, so, now, some of these kids might have cats, but you just remember our training sessions, and you're gonna be fine. Yeah. Yeah, baby.
Gregory: How you doing?
Melissa: I’m okay. So you know, I don't go around telling kids their animals are dead for kicks.
Gregory: That wasn't a suspicion of mine.
Melissa: I just never had a pet before, and I really fell for this little stinker.
Gregory: He's no Dwayne, but he's great. What's really going on, Melissa?
Melissa: Man, I don't know, I panicked. Like, second graders can't take care of themselves. How are they going to keep him safe? He could have died, you know?
Gregory: I get it. I had a hard time giving the kids in the Goofball program responsibility over the plants.
Melissa: But then none of them died.
Gregory: All of them died.
Melissa: You're always such a huge help.
Gregory: But before I started the Goofballs, a wise woman told me that in order to be the best teacher I could be, I needed to open myself up to more than what I thought I owed these students. That'd be scary, 'cause they make mistakes, but watching them grow from those mistakes, it's worth it every time.
Melissa: Thank you for giving my own advice back to me.
Gregory: It's the best advice I've gotten.
Melissa: Come on. Don't you want to hold him?
Gregory: I like rocks!
O’Shon: So, in order to keep this little secret, it is imperative that you direct all IT-related issues to my office.
Ava: Don't just blindly submit them to the district, Janine.
Janine: Why are you singling me out?
Melissa: ‘Cause you're a district rat.
O’Shon: So, you have a, uh, software problem, submit a ticket to me. You have a network problem, submit a ticket to me.
Barbara: And if we run out of computer chips?
O’Shon: Submit a ticket to me. Sorry, um, is it hot in here?
Gregory: Uh, that sounds good. Yeah, thanks.
Melissa: Yeah, we got it.
Jacob: What if a computer breaks and we need it fixed immediately? What's a good cell number to reach you at?
O’Shon: It's a good point. Um, I'm gonna give Ms. Coleman my personal number, and she can contact me directly in case of an emergency... anytime.
Ava: Fine. Whatever. Alright, give it up for O'Shon, and let's get on with the day.
[Cheers and applause]
O’Shon: Oh, no. No. No, you don't have to clap for me.
Mr. Johnson: ♪ Kiss me, out of the bearded barley ♪ Nightly ♪
Ms. Inez: Why are you humming that song?
Mr. Johnson: Cause I just rented She's All That from Blockbuster.
Ava: [Scoffs] He ain't all that. And he's poor. [Humming Sixpence’s None The Richer’s “Kiss Me”]
Barbara: Oh.
Ava: I just like the song, okay?
Melissa: So, listen, kiddos, I know you're really upset about the passing of Sweet Cheeks, but we got a new guinea pig from the store, and we're going to call it Sweet Cheeks 2.
Aaron: Then why does he look like Sweet Cheeks 1?
Melissa: Turns out he's a twin.
Leah: Isn't that the same cage?
Melissa: Yeah, I got it at a discount. You never heard of upcycling?
Aaron: How did he die, again?
Melissa: Can we all please just raise our hands? No more questions. Alright, look. All that matters is that we are going to promise to take care of and love our new guinea pig to the best of our ability, no matter what mistakes are definitely going to be made along the way. Can we do that? Okay.
Leah: Ms. Schemmenti, I made this sign.
Melissa: They don't like when you do that. Mm. Amici per la pelle. That's Italian for "friends for life." Can you say, "amici per la pelle"?
Melissa’s Students: [Together] Amici per la pelle!
Melissa: That's good. You don't have to do the hands, though.
Mr. Johnson: So the ol' guinea pig had a long-lost twin? I know the feeling.
Melissa: [Whispers] Yeah, well, um, honestly, it's the same guinea pig.
Mr. Johnson: Then what did I bury?
Janine: Hi! I am almost ready to go. What, did you get a fish? What happened to your rock?
Gregory: They tore him apart. It's just carnage.
Janine: Oh, no. Gregory, that's... It's actually really pretty. [Chuckles]
Gregory: You know, I tried to protect him.
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: But they dropped him, and they didn't mean to.
Janine: Yeah. But now, h-he's... He's sparkly! No? Okay. Well, look, maybe we can get you another one, like, from the side of a road or something?
Gregory: So it, too, can shatter? Like my fragile, little heart? [Sniffles, sobs]
Janine: Oh! Oh, no. So, ramen tonight?
Gregory: [Sobbing] Yeah.
Janine: Okay.
