(Thunder rumbles)
Jacob: Mm. Vision. I love it.
Mr. Johnson: Lil Uzi Vert. I'd be sure to throw away all my trash today.
Jacob: Oh, right. Of course. Ant season?
Mr. Johnson: Ghost season.
Jacob: (Laughs) That's funny.
Mr. Johnson: Nothing funny about it, playboy. The janitor used to work right here ... spent his days picking up trash. Was good at it, too. But he couldn't stop people from leaving their trash everywhere. And it haunted him till the day he died mysteriously on Halloween, right here, in the very basement of this school.
Jacob: What?
Mr. Johnson: Every Halloween, if you listen closely, you can hear the wheels of his mop bucket rolling down there.
(Thunder crashes)
Jacob: Ohh! Happy Halloween, Gregory. Or, uh (Chuckles) should I say ... Kareem Abdul-Jabbar from "Airplane!"?
Mr. Johnson: No, he's my friend Steve. You'll meet him.
Gregory: N-No, I'm Sully Sullenberger. Chesley Burnett Sullenberger? A.K.A. the pilot who landed the plane on the Hudson River?
Jacob: Ooh, ooh! Guess mine.
Gregory: The Hamburglar?
Mr. Johnson: Clearly, you're wage theft.
Jacob: Ah! Exactly!
(Thunder rumbles)
Gregory: So that's the costume you get?
(Maker's "Hold'em" playing)
♪♪
(Indistinct conversations)
Ava: Happy Halloween, y'all! Reap the whirlwind of Storm!
(Thunder rumbles)
Barbara: Look at all these bee-autiful costumes. Hey, baby!
Melissa: (to camera) Oh, I love Halloween. Best holiday ... by far. Disguises, crime, lookin' hot? These are my specialties.
Ashley: We're both Scarlet Witch! We look exactly the same. (Laughs)
Melissa: Yeah, I don't know about exact. I started working on my costume in July.
Ashley: So did I! Look. (Chuckles)
Chad: That costume is trash.
Melissa: Oh, look, Mr. Johnson, he's you!
Mr. Johnson: That's pretty cute. But I didn't approve my likeness rights. You better lawyer up, kid.
Ashley: Let's play the mirror game.
Melissa: Or you know what? They turned the library into a haunted house, and they're keeping all the candy in there till the end of the day when they hand it out to the kids, so why don't you go in there and guard the candy? Doesn't that sound like fun?
Ashley: That sounds super boring. You said you didn't want to play the mirror game, but it honestly feels like we are. It's crazy. Ah. Black Frank Abagnale Jr.! Uh ... Uh-oh. Somebody's going hard in the paint. Bewm, bewm, beww! ( Laughs )
Gregory: That is the best and maybe only James Harden costume I've ever seen.
Janine: ( Laughs ) Thank you. Oh, my God. Did you see Jacob's costume? He's wage theft. I guessed it on the first try.
Gregory: Mm-hmm.
Janine: Oh, my God. That is a good costume.
Gregory: Thank you.
Janine: Yes, millennial Tuskegee airman. I love that. "Red Tails"? So underrated. Oh! Ooh.
(Ball bouncing)
(to camera) Ha-ha! Got him. (Laughs) I knew he was a regular Tuskegee airman, not a millennial one. Did you see his face?
Janine: Where is it? Oh.
Amber: Ooh, she a basketball fan.
Janine: (Laughs) I am. Hey, Amber. What are you dressed as?
Amber: A bad bitch.
Janine: Oh, language. Okay, see you later. Good morning, everyone.
Erika: Janine? Oh, my God!
Janine: Oh, my God. Erika? I haven't seen you since high school.
Erika: I know! It's been forever!
Janine: I know.
Erika: Last time I saw you was at our graduation party.
Janine: Yeah. (Chuckles)
Erika: You brought "Trivial Pursuit."
Janine: Yes, and people had fun playing it in between illegal drinking. What are you doing here?
Erika: Oh, well, I guess my nephew's in your class. He's dressed as Baby Thanos. I'm helping my sister with dropoff this week. How are you doing, though? I saw on Facebook you and Tariq broke up. He made a memorial page for your relationship and everything.
Janine: Yeah, I asked him not to do that. Um, but, yeah, I'm ... I'm doing fine. Just had to take a step back ...
Erika: Oh, oh.
Janine: ...sorry...
Erika: It's okay.
Janine: ...from the relationship.
Erika: No, it's okay.
Janine: Yeah.
Erika: Oh! Did you hear about Malik and Brandy's party tonight? You going?
Janine: I was invited, but they were always more of Tariq's friends.
Erika: Oh, all right.
Janine: Yeah.
Erika: Well, my girl Michelle throwing a Halloween party tonight, too. You should come through! Oh, no board games.
Janine: (Chuckles) Thank you, um, but, you know, I-l actually have plans already.
Erika: Okay.
Janine: Yeah.
Erika: Cool.
Janine: (to camera) Erika's super nice from what I remember, but I just don't know her that well. And I won't know anyone at that party. And I really do have plans tonight. I put up a camera to try to keep kids from egging my house, and, as of this morning, it has not worked. But maybe tonight.
Erika: You busy, it's cool.
Janine: Yeah. Whoa, whoa, Louis, hey! Baby Thanos! No candy until the end of the day.
Amber: Oh, my bad. I passed out the little candy bags we made, but I'll take 'em back.
Janine: Okay.
Baby Thanos: But it's Halloween! We should be able to have candy whenever we want!
Janine: Oh.
Erika: Ooh. That boy loves his candy.
Janine: Yeah, well, we try to wait until the end of the day to pass out candy, you know? Make sure the parents have to deal with the sugar rushes.
Erika: Oh, okay. And that's why I'm glad to be the aunt.
(Both laugh)
Janine: Thank you.
Amber: Oh, and can you give this to Gregory?
Janine: To Mr. Eddie?
Amber: Mm-hmm. Something special in it.
Janine: Oh, my God, drugs?
Amber: No.
Erika: Now that's a bad bitch.
Janine: I know. Every morning.
Erika: She looks amazing.
Janine: Even Mondays.
Erika: Does she take Pilates?
Janine: I don't know.
(Bubbling) (Evil laughter)
Janine: Hey, Ashley. Got more candy for the stash.
Ashley: I'm so bored. This is hell.
Janine: 'Kay. Oh, hey, Ron Burgundy.
Gregory: Oh, look at you ... You shaved.
Janine: Look, I got this bag of candy from Joel and Carolina's mom. She wanted me to give it to you. Maybe she wants you to get a cavity or something.
Gregory: Oh. That's nice of her, but no thanks. I truly hate candy unless it's 96% cacao. Uh, but you can hang on to that, and I'll tell her thank you.
Janine: Okay. Well, thank you to your donation to my mouth. Sorry, no. Ooh, Werther's! "Here's a little extra something sweet."
♪♪ (Evil laughter) ♪♪
Baby Thanos: Am I going to steal this candy? We shall see.
Okay. So, what did we learn?
Melissa: Don't go to Salem. Or Boston. You know what? Just skip the whole state.
(Children shouting)
Hey! Hey, hey, hey! Guys, what has gotten into you today? Gu... Come on.
Mr. Johnson: They're really on one today.
(Thunder crashes)
Venus: Ava, could you please come out here?
Teacher: No. Stop right now. I said have a seat.
Man: You know you're not supposed to be doing that.
Ava: What the... ?
(Children shouting) (Candy squishes)
Mr. Johnson: Witch!
(Thunder crashes)
Ashley: No candy until the end of the day. Enjoy the haunted house.
Mr. Johnson: Hello? Where's the candy that's supposed to be here?
Ashley: Oh, hey. The candy's right...
(Evil laughter)
Oh, dang. Where'd the candy go? (Chuckles)
Janine: Guys, what is going on?
(Children shouting)
Where did you get this? What is in your mouth?
(Shouting continues)
Gregory: What is going on?!
Janine: What? What the ... What?
Gregory: Oh!
Mr. Johnson: What does it look like, boy? They got into the candy bag!
Ava: Hey, watch it! Need to get my deposit back on this. What the hell is happening?!
Mr. Johnson: It was her. She's too absorbed looking at that damn phone she let the candy get stolen.
Ashley: Alleged phone, alleged candy.
Gregory: Well, I saw those bags. That's two Halloweens' worth of candy.
Janine: How did they even pass it out so fast?
Jacob: Yeah, and what kid shares candy on Halloween?
Melissa: We're dealing with a real sicko here.
Ashley: The important thing to focus on is that no one person is to blame, except of course the thief. Because, in a way, I've been robbed, when you think about it.
Janine: We need to find who took the candy.
Barbara: We'll get to that, but firstly, there's no way we can teach these children when they are like this. They need to burn that energy off.
Jacob: They can't go outside, it's raining. It's ...
Ava: Hey! Little gremlins! Free recess in the gym!
(Shouting stops)
Ashley: I'm one of those people where chaos really affects my mood, so I'm just gonna call it a day.
(Children shouting)
Melissa: What are you doing? Let me show you how it's done.
Jacob: Truth zone? I'm feeling a little conflicted about the constitutionality of stop and frisk, okay?
Melissa: All right. Let's remove your hat, bear.
Jacob: I feel like Eric Adams. Okay.
Melissa: All right, that's the last of them.
Barbara: Now to put this candy contraband someplace safe.
Melissa: Oh, I have a human-sized sa... Uh, a, uh... A safe that's bigger than a breadbox in one of my closets.
Ava: Wait. How big is it? I've been looking for a safe place to keep my other safes.
Barbara: Oh. Look, you two guard the door, make sure the kids don't leave, and we will be right back.
Janine: Okay. (Sighs)
Gregory: (Clears throat) You know, when I woke up this morning, I did not expect my day to include patting down the students for candy.
Janine: (Chuckles) Oh! That reminds me.
(Both chuckle)
Um, so Joel and Carolina's mom left that for you in the bag of candy you didn't want.
Gregory: Oh, thanks.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Gregory: Her phone number.
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: Nice.
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: Good penmanship.
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: Yeah.
Janine: Yeah. Guess she has a thing for Kevin Hart in "Soul Plane." (Laughs)
Gregory: One, he did not play a pilot in that. Two, we, as a society, do not talk about Sully Sullenberger enough.
Janine: I'd say he's had his time.
Gregory: He landed an Airbus of 155 people safely on a river!
Janine: Okay, I'm just saying that, as a pilot, like, half his job is landing, so he kind of was just doing his job.
Gregory: Wow!
Janine: Shouldn't have had a movie before Harriet Tubman.
Gregory: Tom Hanks can't play her. And I don't know why that's Mr. Sullenberger's problem. I will not rest until the world gives that man the respect that he deserves!
Janine: Okay.
Gregory: Okay?
Janine: All right.
Gregory: I'm serious about this.
Janine: I see.
Gregory: I'm really passionate.
Janine: I understand. So, are you gonna take Amber to some kind of pilot party tonight?
Gregory: No. Friends are dragging me out.
Janine: Oh.
Gregory: They've been doing that a lot now that I'm single.
Janine: Oh. That's nice of them. ( Chuckles )
Gregory: Y-Yeah, yeah, um ... It was a lot at first.
Janine: Mm.
Gregory: But it is nice, actually. Have your friends been doing the same since the breakup?
Janine: Oh, yeah. Well, no.
Gregory: Oh.
Janine: But Jacob did take me out to a drag "Settlers of Catan" brunch, and that was fun.
Gregory: (Chuckles) Yeah, that sounds fun.
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: But what about your outside-of-work friends?
Janine: Um ... Oh, my ... My outside-of-work friends? Um ...
Jacob: I'm just saying, you didn't have to lock me in the safe to show me how big it is.
Melissa: Eh, quit whinin'. What's going on in there now?
(Children shouting)
Janine: Yeah, they've locked the doors.
Barbara: Kitchen window.
Gregory: I'm sorry, y'all.
(Shouting continues)
Jacob: Yes!
Janine: (Gasps) Baby Thanos! He stole the candy bag? I should've known.
Barbara: Dear God, can we not know peace?
Jacob: Clear a path. And no one try and stop me.
(Shouting continues)
Ooh.
Gregory: Oh, Lord. Get him. You ...
Barbara: Come on ... Jacob.
Janine: (Groans)
Jacob: (Grunts)
(Balls dribble)
Student: Hyah!
Jacob: Okay, all right, okay. All right. Okay! Yeah.
(Children shouting)
Help!
Barbara: Oh, my! Hey!
Gregory: Hey!
Barbara: Cut it... Cut it out!
Jacob: Did anybody see where Baby Thanos went?
Gregory: He has to be in here somewhere.
(Intercom beeps)
Baby Thanos: It's Halloween. Kids deserve candy. It's not fair to keep it from us. I am inedible!
(Children cheering)
Janine: I think he means, "I am inevitable."
Melissa: Yeah, okay.
Barbara: Mm, Baby Theranos is in Ava's office!
Baby Thanos: And I've only passed out half the bag so far.
Chad: (to camera) Looks like we're gonna need a bigger trash can.
Melissa: Oh, we gotta get this kid.
Gregory: But somebody absolutely needs to stay here.
Janine: Yeah.
Barbara: Mm-hmm.
Ava: I'll stay. I've been training for this my whole life. Storm's a-brewin'!
Barbara: And he's gone!
Melissa: Well, the kid's good, I'll give him that.
Janine: We must have just missed him.
Melissa: Ooh. Still fresh.
Barbara: Ooh! The kid is on the run.
Janine: (Gasps) Oh.
(Thunder rumbles)
Barbara: And that door leads to the basement.
Jacob: The ghost janitor.
(Thunder crashes)
Mr. Johnson said there's a ghost janitor that lives down there. A-And obviously I don't believe that. You know, because I am a grown-up person.
Gregory: So, you'll go look for Baby Thanos in the basement?
Jacob: Yeah, I will accompany you, Gregory, if you're scared.
Barbara: Oh. Search the basement. We will search the hall. Throw us a bone, please. Amen.
Jacob: You wanna ... You wanna go first? 'Cause 1-1 don't have a preference, really. I ...
(Thunder crashes)
Gregory: (Sighs)
Janine: Hey, what are you guys doing tonight?
Melissa: Oh, I've got some consoling to do.
Barbara: Why's that?
Melissa: Gary, the vending machine guy, he has a hard time with Halloween. Like, every house turns into a vending machine.
Barbara: I never thought of it that way.
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Janine: Yeah, that does sound tough. But, uh, Barbara, what are you doing tonight?
Barbara: I'm going to a screening of "Rocky Horror" at my church. They take out all the cursing, all the references to sex and sexuality. It comes in atjust under 26 minutes, and it is a hoot! It's a yearly tradition. We've watched "Nightmare Before Christmas," but only the Christmas parts, "Practical Magic" without the witchcraft, and "Hocus Pocus" without Sarah Jessica Parker.
Janine: Ooh, that sounds fun! Can I come?
Barbara: Oh, sweetheart, it has been sold out for months.
Melissa: Yeah, you are a newly single NBA All Star. You must have plans.
Janine: Well, I did, but then I decided I wanted to hang out with my friends.
Melissa: Well, respectfully, kiddo, we've been over this. We're not really your friends.
Janine: Yes, no, I know, of course. It's just... you guys are the only people I kinda hang out with, so ...
Barbara: Only? Why?
Janine: Look, ever since I broke up with Tariq, I don't have any friends. And I realize that's kinda on me.
Barbara: Janine, you're young. There's so many ways for you to make friends.
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Barbara: What's the problem?
Janine: It just feels really hard to start over.
Melissa: I've started over tons of times.
Janine: Yeah?
Melissa: Yeah. Let me tell you something, it sucks.
Janine: Great.
Melissa: No, it's scary at first, but you do it. You know why?
Barbara: Absolutely, Melissa.
Melissa: I didn't make my point yet.
Barbara: I fully wasn't listening.
Melissa: Okay, point is that it is way scarier to not put yourself out there. You don't wanna be the lonely old lady sitting at home on Halloween hoping no one eggs your house, right?
Janine: Oh, yeah, no, of course not.
Melissa: Yeah.
Janine: Not me. I think I've been avoiding making new friends because the unknown, it's scary. But it is Halloween, the time to face your fears ... Ghosts, ghouls, and new friends.
Jacob: Do you feel, like, a cold spot?
Gregory: No.
(Creaking)
Jacob: (Gasps) Did you hear that?
Gregory: It's just the sound of a normal school basement.
(Squeaking)
Jacob: And are you seeing that?
Gregory: Yes. You don't have to keep asking. We're having the same experience.
Jacob: Okay, when I say run, we run.
Mr. Johnson: Welp, I didn't find Baby Thanos, but I did find my favorite mop from '04. She's still got it.
Gregory: Jacob, it's just Mr. J...
Chad: (Sighs) You!
Baby Thanos: Me!
Chad: Why?
Baby Thanos: It's Halloween! No! What are you doing?
Chad: It's chaos out there, man. And you're only making my job harder. I have to do this. It's the only way.
Baby Thanos: Dude, I traded an eighth grader for that!
Chad: What did it cost?
Baby Thanos: Everything.
Janine: Oh, my goodness.
Melissa: They' re out.
Barbara: Oh, Ava. Ooh, what happened to your face?
Ava: I did my job is what happened to my face. Did you guys find Baby Thanos?
Melissa: No, we came to see if maybe he scurried back in here.
Barbara: That child is slipperier than a buttered otter.
Chad: Excuse me? Adults?
Janine: Chad! You found Baby Thanos?
Melissa: Where? How?
Chad: Just followed the trash.
Mr. Johnson: (to camera) I'll see you in court, you little (bleep).
Janine: Let's go get you cleaned up. (Sighs)
Melissa: (Gasps)
Mr. Johnson: Aah!
Barbara: No!
Melissa: Noooo!
Barbara: Oh!
Janine: Get some rest, guys.
Amber: Something like maybe Beyoncé.
Gregory: Really?
(Indistinct conversations)
Erika: Hey, Janine!
Janine: Hey, Erika. Hey, is that offer still on the table to go to a party tonight?
Erika: Yeah, of course!
Janine: Yeah? Okay, cool. Well, I wanna go. Um, do you think I'll know anybody there?
Erika: I mean, you'll know me. But I'll introduce you to everybody. I promise, it's a good group of people.
Janine: Okay, cool. Sounds fun.
Erika: Cool! Oh, you do have a sexier costume, though, right?
Janine: Oh, for sure. I have an Eric André wig...
Erika: Absolutely not.
Janine: Okay, I will find something else to wear.
Erika: Good. Oh! Sugar crash?
Janine: Oh, yeah, he ate, um, a lot of candy. Alot.
Erika: Okay. Well, sounds like a problem for his mom.
Janine: Yeah, exactly.
Erika: Mm-hmm.
Janine: (Laughs) All right. Bye.
Erika: I'll see you later.
Janine: See you tonight.
(to camera) I'm actually kind of excited for tonight. I get to start over.
Jacob: I am telling you; I saw the ghost janitor down there. Okay? The story is real.
Melissa: You saw Mr. Johnson. Mystery solved.
Jacob: No. No, no, no, this was something else. Something sinister.
Ava: Okay, Shaggy.
(Squeaking)
Mr. Johnson: (Laughs)
(Water cooler bubbles)
Ava: This one has a word we should try that sexy Walmart greeter costume.
Gregory: Ava? You know the school day's over, right?
Ava: Yes, I do. What, you trying to celebrate?
Gregory: Why you still here?
Ava: Oh, I'm just waiting on... B-i-i-i-i-i-itch! (Laughs)
Janine: Yeah? Okay.
Ava: Yes! Obviously, I look better in it, then Marilyn, but honestly, then you.
Janine: Okay.
Ava: Tell her how good she looks, Gregory.
Gregory: Uh, y-yeah, yeah, no, you look, um ... it looks great. Really form-fitting.
Janine: Gross. (Chuckles) Thank you. Good night, Mr. Johnson. Have a happy Halloween!
Mr. Johnson: Happy Halloween.
(Door closes)
(to camera) Like that? I had it made at Dorney Park. (Laughs)
