Okay. So the music teacher, Ms. Davis,
couldn't make it today.
So I'm filling in,
and I thought that we could
make a playlist,
starting with some oldies.
Ooh!
How about 50 Cent, "In Da Club"?
Okay, no, that's not an oldie, and
you shouldn't be listening to that.
"Umbrella" by Rihanna.
Also not an oldie.
But my Mom listens to it
when she cleans on Sunday,
and she's old.
She's like 30. Exactly.
Okay, look, an oldie is something
that's from another era.
Like "A Milli" by Lil Wayne?
That came out in 2005.
I was born in 2018. Okay.
I love "A Milli."
It's a classic!
STUDENTS: ♪ A milli, a milli,
a milli, a milli ♪
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay. Alright.
Mr. Eddie, what were iPods like?
We're gonna play "Hot Cross
Buns" on the recorder.
[MAKER'S "HOLD'EM" PLAYING]
- Hey, Roz.
- Hey.
Dropping off "Of Mice and Men."
It was a slay.
Oh, I am thrilled that, as
a leader, you're also a reader.
Period. Hype me up, book baddie.
Come on. [CHUCKLES]
I'm here to collect the books
for my class to read.
Oh, uh, you know, Barb,
you can bring your kids in later,
and I can read to them
from those cozy, new beanbags
we got from the golf course.
I am, uh, freed up
since we have Ms. Krystal here
as a volunteer.
[CHUCKLES] Oh.
I know what you guys are thinking.
How could a busy b*tch like myself
also find time to be a perfect mom?
And I don't know. [CHUCKLES]
And we are so grateful
for your contribution.
Yeah.
Wait. Y'all got "The Sassy Wizard Kid"?
Yeah, girl.
It's the story of Jamiroquai Gemstone,
who was raised in a magical
barber shop in Atlanta.
I know it. And as a
Christian, I don't like magic.
I'm a Christian, too.
And so what if it's got a little magic?
I'mma read that "Peter Pan."
Yeah, but I also don't like the
way the wizard talks to his parents.
Uh, well, Ms. Krystal,
I will make sure that your
Tamika does not read that book.
Yeah, this doesn't need to be
in a library at all.
I've seen the Reddit threads
on r/blackmommasonthewatch,
and he's talking about
some "Abracasnapra"
and "Al-la-ka-zip-ya-lip."
Unh-unh, not on my watch.
But it gets the children
excited about reading.
Oh, and the movie's
being directed by Ryan Coogler.
It's like "Wicked" with better dancing.
Respectfully, I don't care.
Y'all need to get this book
out of the library.
You... Y...
[DOOR OPENS]
- Hey.
- Hey.
Gary.
How you doing? It's been a minute, huh?
Truth be told,
I've been avoiding you since,
you know, the most embarrassing
moment in my life.
Yeah, I get it.
On a separate, but kind of related note,
I'm getting married.
What?
- Yeah.
- Wow!
I-I was stocking a machine
at the hospital.
- Yeah.
- And Lucy was a patient.
Oh, no.
- Oh, no. She's okay now.
- Okay.
- I mean, who needs tonsils?
- Yeah, right.
Anyway, I-I didn't know
if it'd be weird to tell you.
No. Why would it be weird?
I wanted this for you.
Actually, I'd love for you
to come to the wedding.
Hey, I am there.
I mean, as long as your bride
doesn't mind a loud Sicilian
who gives one too many hugs
when she's off that Zinfandel.
- [LAUGHS] That's you.
- That's me.
- Alright.
- Hey, congrats, ya big gagootz.
- Aw, thanks. Good seeing you.
- Yeah.
She's not cuter than me, though, right?
I'm legally obligated
to say she is, so...
Mm.
[MOUTHS "NAH"]
- Here you go.
- Oh, thank you.
Why are you on Linkedln?
Oh, my God. If you quit,
this place would lose
all of its sparkle.
- Hey.
- Calm down.
I'm just looking for a second job.
My rent's going up soon,
and I have a girlfriend.
Well... [SCOFFS]
Relationships don't cost money.
I mean, if you ignore
my first relationship,
I usually spend less
when I'm dating someone.
Mm.
Yeah, so I'm just waiting
for bites on my résumé.
- Okay.
- Just looking for something part time,
low lift, high pay.
Shouldn't be too hard to find.
I have a master's degree.
- He does.
- Mm.
Hey, this career is a grind.
Second job is a plight of teachers.
Barb used to teach night school,
and I used to be a pool shark.
Mm.
You told me that was
your first time playing.
[CHUCKLES]
Yeah, I did.
[CHUCKLES]
"I'm not scared anymore!
And I can..."
Ah, reading it for the second time, Ava?
No. Krystal had the nerve
to send me a scathing email
threatening to take this matter
to the district.
It is just one parent.
Barb, she's VP of the PTA.
This has the potential
to get bigger than all of us.
Unfortunately,
this wizard has to disappear.
I didn't want to take
the book off the shelf,
but I was already in hot water
with the district.
Sorry, little guy,
but if you made it past
the voguing bridge troll,
then you got this.
GREGORY: Go to your seats.
Hey!
- Hey!
- Hey.
So, how's the job hunt going?
Um, it seems promising. Yeah. Uh...
You have a situation developing.
Hey, Viv, cut it out.
How many times have I told you
not to braid Charlie's hair?
He's not even tender headed.
Viv, what would you do
if Charlie touched your hair?
- Smack him.
- Right.
So how about we don't
touch Charlie's hair?
Okay? Please sit down.
Thank you.
Oh, my goodness.
See? Teaching is so much.
I don't know how you're going
to handle this and a second job.
Eh, it'll be fine.
- Still hunting, huh?
- Yeah.
Just drive rideshare.
I have a master's degree in education,
so I think I may be
a little overqualified.
- Yeah.
- Do you need money?
- Yes.
- Sounds like you're qualified.
Let's practice.
Pick up for Mr. Johnson.
No.
Hey, who are you going to take
to Gary's wedding?
Not Sweet Cheeks, right?
I don't think that little booger
likes to dress up.
Nah, dunno. Probably Captain Robinson.
He's always a good time.
Oh, I didn't know you'd leveled
up your relationship with the cap'n.
[CHUCKLES] That's a big step.
It's the opposite.
That's what I love about our situation.
It's, like, casual.
Be like bringing a friend
to an open bar.
What do you mean?
Y-You're traveling out of town together.
Next thing you know,
you got a hotel room.
Then you're... you're suddenly
in brunch territory.
Jacob, he is still saved in
my phone as Fireman Number 2.
- I think we're good.
- Mm!
Did you ban the "Sassy Wizard"
book from the library?
Uh, watch your tone. [SCOFFS] And I did.
- And?
- And I'm here to tell you,
if you don't put "Sassy Wizard
Kid" back in the library pronto,
you're gonna have
a big old problem with me,
the head "P" of the PTA.
Okay, Expecto No-Way-Yo.
What the hell are you talking about?
My son was excited to read
that book to me at bedtime.
[SCOFFS] And why are you
going to sleep before your son?
I am sleepy.
Tariq, chill. It's just one book.
Okay, cool.
Then I want "The 48 Laws
of Power" in the library.
Absolutely not.
You see, this is what happens
when we let parents dictate
our literary offerings.
It's not fair! Y'all let
Krystal pick and choose
what books go in the library.
- Why can't I?
- She grown.
AVA: You know what? Fine.
I don't need you filing a complaint.
Between me and you, we'll find a way
to get "The Sassy Wizard Kid"
back in the library.
Okay? Everybody happy?
Okay. Yeah, cool. I love that.
Sorry that I had to use Law of
Power Number 21 on you, by the way.
Ha, ha. You've been Tariq'd.
Ava, what we need to do
is tell the parents
that they need to trust us
to curate the library.
Nah, this'll work.
It's like the fourth installment
of "The Sassy Wizard Kid,"
where he had to hide his
sassiness from the village people.
The people that live
in the village, not the group.
They would've loved that. [CHUCKLES]
Ooh, that magical
little bastard kills me.
Bless his heart.
This is going to end worse than
the end of the New Testament.
Hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Hi. Yes, this is Gregory Eddie.
I'm calling to see
if you received my application.
Oh... oh, you did. You got it. Great.
R-Right. Right.
Well, did you happen to see that
I have a master's degree in...
N-No, no, I don't have
any experience sign spinning.
Hello?
The job search?
Oh, it's going... it's going great.
It's going really great.
Um, Topgolf decided to go
with another candidate
for shift manager, but it's fine.
It was, like, my seventh choice.
I got a lot of irons in the fire.
I love irons. I even applied
to be a blacksmith.
So to answer your question,
it's going great.
It's going really great.
[FACETIME RINGING]
[FACETIME CHIMES] Hey.
Hey. What's up?
Okay, so, remember,
I told you about my ex, Gary?
Well, turns out, he's getting married.
Huh. Good for Gary.
Johnny, up the ladder.
Yeah. So you get to be my plus-one. Huh?
It's weekend after next.
Uh, what is that, the 15th?
sh**t, I can't. I got plans.
Oh.
What kind of plans?
Uh, well, I-I'm going
to the symphony.
[LAUGHS]
With a gal.
Hey, you said you wanted
to be casual, so...
Guys, be careful!
Yeah, no. Uh, casual, sure.
Yeah. I did say... casual.
Guys, that thing looks vicious!
So, are we good?
Yeah, of course.
We're good.
It's all good. No worries.
You have fun at the symphony.
It's probably a girl's first nice date.
Hey. Who's that? [CAT MEOWS]
I'll name it Pawtrice.
[CAT PURRING]
Okay, well, you're busy.
Bye. [FACETIME CHIMES]
"Early one morning, the wind
blew a spider across the field."
STUDENTS: Ooh!
Hey, Ms. Inez, uh, I'm
just here to return this book.
I liked the part when he goes,
"Abracasnapra"!
- [QUIETLY] Thank you, Andrew.
- KRYSTAL: Unh-unh. Unh-unh.
Where'd you get that book from?
Up there on the secret top shelf
behind that secret curtain.
Hey. It's okay, baby. Mm-hmm.
BARBARA: "with her silky thread."
- A book speakeasy?
- "'Neigh,' said the horse."
"'Want to go for a ride?'" Who did this?
Who put this here?
Me. Yeah.
I heard you had a problem with
"The Sassy Wizard Kid."
Can you all please
keep it down for my class?!
This is neither the time nor the place.
Yes, we all put the book back,
Ms. Krystal.
Y'all think I'm playing.
I'm going to the district.
Well, I'm going to Channel 6.
I don't even like Channel 6.
Channel 3 is a much better network.
[STAMMERS] Now, stop it.
You all sound worse than the children!
- You're right.
- Hmm?
This is your problem.
- What?!
- Mm!
Yeah, I said it.
Yeah.
Y'all may not know this about me,
but if I put my mind to it,
I can be real annoying.
Y'all better fix this.
Yeah. Figure it out.
- Clean up these books.
- STUDENTS: Oooooh!
No, no. Stop it!
No, no, no, no!
- Hi! Hey!
- Hey.
Oh. You still on for tonight?
Taking our couple glamour sh*ts
at the mall?
I got the matching overalls.
[SIGHS] I really wish I could,
but I'm gonna be busy tonight.
I got a new job.
Oh, my gosh! That's amazing!
Which one is it?
Is it the one at the gym?
Yeah, where'd you wind up?
- Yeah.
- Uh, yeah. Yeah.
Actually, it is the one at the gym.
Gonna be running the
front desk. [SHRIEKS]
That is so exciting! Oh, my goodness.
I mean, who wouldn't want to get
jacked with you greeting them?
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
Can I get a free membership?
I want to get even more swole.
Ah. [CHUCKLES]
Yeah, yeah, I'll definitely
look into that.
- Oh!
- Uh-huh.
[SING-SONG VOICE] Amazing!
[CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY]
And that is when
Moses split that sea, baby.
Wow!
Oh, my God, should I read the Bible?
Okay, no more spoilers.
[DOOR OPENS]
Whoa.
Could any more of
these damn hipster college kids
move to this town and ruin it?
That's why my Sixers are blowing it.
And the Phillies lost in the playoffs...
to the Mets.
The Mets, Barb! Damn it!
Melissa, what's going on with you?
I don't know, Barb. It's just a...
I'm having a bad case of
Whatever the Hell Day This Is.
Lies. Lie-za Minnelli.
Something is amiss, and you
are going to spill, sister.
Okay? Like the oil that is,
unfortunately, always in our oceans.
[SIGHS]
Okay, fine.
Captain Rob can't go to Gary's wedding.
Which is fine!
Doesn't seem like it's fine.
No. It... You know what? It's not fine.
But why? Why isn't it fine?
Why do I care if he goes to the symphony
- with some sl*t?!
- Ooh, heavens.
Melissa... sit.
[SIGHS]
Okay.
Now, do you want him
to see other people or not?
No, I-I-I guess I don't.
Sounds like somebody wants to go steady.
- Aww.
- Ohhh, fine.
[DRILL WHIRS]
Principal Coleman?
I don't know where to put this.
Brandon, do I look like Ms. Inez to you?
You see an Arby's logo on my dome?
No, but the library's closed.
Closed?
[BARBARA, TASHA, AND MS.
[INEZ ARGUING] What is happening?
Ms. Inez has locked
the door to the library.
A-And my students are in the
middle of working on their book reports.
I have two parents CC-ing me
non-stop demands and threats.
I can't run a library like this.
So, until a resolution is reached,
this door remains locked.
[SIGHS] Open the door.
Okay, fine. You win. But can you just
open it up real quick
for something else?
I left my inhaler in there.
Oh, I have asthma, too.
Oh, girl, I was lying. You good?
If you want the library open,
fix this mess.
Ava, it's time.
Wait. Time for what?
Time to call the old
elementary school Hail Mary.
TOGETHER: A PTA meeting.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Hey, hey, what's going on
with Captain Robinson?
Did you tell him how you feel?
I got a plan.
Is the plan to tell him how you feel?
Shh, shh, shh. [GAVEL BANGS]
The meeting has started.
[SIGHS] Now, there has been
a lot of debate
about whether or not to allow
a certain book in the library.
Quite frankly,
it has gotten out of control.
And so we're going to put it to a vote.
If you don't want
"The Sassy Wizard Kid" in here,
raise your hand.
If you do want this book
in the library,
raise your hand.
Yeah, it's a tie.
You couldn't just do a miscount?
If "The Sassy Wizard" stays,
then I see no reason
why we can't introduce the children
to Steve Harvey's entire oeuvre.
Which would pair exquisitely
with "The 48 Laws of Power."
Exactly. Now, what we really
need to be talking about banning
is "Clifford the Big Red Dog."
[SPECTATORS ARGUING] Okay, no.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
The only thing
we need to be talking about
is "The Sassy Wizard Kid."
- Like, are y'all okay?
- People!
People, please. This is a library.
Order! Order! [GAVEL BANGING]
[ARGUING CONTINUES]
- JANINE: Hey.
- Great, you're here.
Oh, yeah? What do you need?
My mediating skills?
- Yes.
- Yeah?
Okay, so I ordered pizzas
for the meeting,
but the delivery guy
won't come to the door,
so I'mma need you to handle that.
- What?
- Okay? Yes.
Do not look at my photos.
Matter of fact, don't even
leave the lock screen.
- What are you...
- Thank you. Thank you.
I... I don't...
[DOOR CLOSES]
[CELLPHONE CHIMES]
Oh. Text from the delivery guy.
"Gonna leave pizzas on sidewalk
outside parking lot."
Uh, no. Crazy.
Um, "That is insane.
Ha, ha.
Please bring them inside to the library.
LOL."
Tell him to bring in that pizza,
or I'll show him why I was
dishonorably discharged
from the Salvation Army.
Okay.
While we're at it,
I think we need to vote on
banning "The Little Prince."
Now, why the hell would we do that?
Because it's French.
It promotes French values,
and French food sucks.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING]
This pizza delivery guy
is refusing to deliver inside.
- What? It's freezing out.
- Yeah.
I know. Um...
"It's too cold out there.
The pizza will freeze. LOL.
Please bring to library. LOL."
[CELLPHONE WHOOSHES, CHIMES]
He's refusing to go past admin.
- What?
- Admin? That's weirdly specific.
I know. [FIRE ALARM RINGING]
Oh, hell no! Fire, y'all!
Head towards exits!
The plot of "Fahrenheit 451" is upon us!
Oh, Mr. Johnson. What's going on?
Sorry, folks. False alarm.
- False alarm?
- Quit badgering me, Jacob.
These things are just begging
to be pulled.
[CROWD MUTTERING] Thanks, Mr. J.
You're welcome.
I just hope you finally tell that
fireman about your feelings towards me.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
Hey!
Hello.
I'm the one who's been
texting you about the pizza.
Hi. Oop.
Hello? Hi. Okay.
Whoop! [CHUCKLES]
Heyyy.
- [FLATLY] Heyyy. Hi.
- Hi.
This is your new job?
Yeah.
Hmm.
So you kind of lied.
Don't love that.
[SIGHS] Okay. Yeah.
Um, I'm sorry.
I guess I just didn't want
to say what I was doing
after I was so cocky
about being overqualified.
Well, there's nothing to be ashamed of.
It's honest work.
- You're right.
- Yeah.
My pride's a little bruised,
but I'll be okay.
How's the PTA meeting going?
Oh, I have no idea.
I've been dealing with this goofy
pizza delivery man the whole time.
He's lucky he's cute and a hard worker.
At least you don't have
to drive people around.
[DOOR OPENS]
Hey, are you almost done here?
I have to get to the airport.
Yeah, I'm also doing rideshare.
Hey, man, you signed up
for rideshare pool, okay?
You don't get to call the sh*ts.
Wait in the car.
Okay, everybody, let's get back to work.
We still haven't made a decision
about "The Sassy Wizard Kid."
We have, however, banned 34 other books.
[AUDIENCE MURMURING] [KNOCK ON DOOR]
Many of these being classics,
important books that have shaped us all.
I know you guys remember.
[WHISPERS] This was your plan?
You brilliant monster.
So, clearly, there's no fire here.
Looks like somebody
just pulled the alarm.
MELISSA: Yeah, those crazy kids.
I mean, you know, parents or... um.
I am a single fire captain
in a metropolitan city.
This isn't the first time a woman
has pulled a fire alarm just to see me.
I didn't pull it.
Mr. Johnson pulled it.
I told him to do it, but he...
Okay, look, I know that we said
we were going to be casual,
but I don't want you to go to
the symphony with someone else.
I mean, forget the symphony. I don't...
[SIGHS]
I think what I'm trying to say is, um...
I think, like, I would love
for us to be exclusive.
Exclusive sounds good to me.
I don't even like music.
- Good man.
- Come here.
Ooh.
Next time, just call.
Seriously.
Pulling a fire alarm
is a federal offense.
I'm gonna have to arrest
Mr. Johnson now.
[SNORTS] Okay.
- But don't warn him.
- Okay.
Is anybody else mad about anything?
Let's get rid of "Everybody Poops,"
'cause most days, I don't,
and that's a problem.
- Ew.
- Okay, enough.
Look...
you can find a problem in any book,
but there are so many ideas
in these books
that your children will never experience
or learn from
if you don't let them read.
Yeah, like, in the last chapter
of "The Sassy Wizard Kid,"
he was going to give up on magic,
but then he used
the Groweth Mindsetius spell
to defeat the Dour Candy Lady.
So, wait. These books are teaching kids
about having a growth mindset?
Yes!
Oh. Groweth Mindsetius. [CHUCKLES]
I get it now.
That wizard kid is deep.
Yeah, well, I just didn't want
my kid reading something
that taught her how to be
disrespectful to adults.
Then talk to her.
- Yeah. Have a conversation.
- Hmm.
Like the one we're having right now.
And I've had Tamika in my class.
She's smart.
- She can handle a conversation.
- Can.
And I bet that she could also
handle "The 48 Laws of Power."
[ALL ARGUING]
Alright, alright. Just stop it.
Alright, Law 39,
"Stir up water, catch fish."
I'mma let y'all chew on that.
Well, I guess I may have
taken this a little too far.
- Duh.
- My bad.
I'll talk to Tamika, and...
we should reopen the library
without outside interference.
[AUDIENCE AGREEING] Hallelujah!
And I've got a book that
all of y'all can read next!
Run before she start quoting, y'all!
[GAVEL BANGS] Ms.
INEZ: Meeting adjourned.
MAN: I'm out of here.
"With the strength of an Unc
making ribs on Father's Day,
the sassy wizard kid raised
his magic incense stick
and remembered his father's
lesson from the barber shop."
Oh, this my favorite part!
I know y'all on the edge
of your edges because...
"'So, you got to check yourself
before you wreck yourself.'
And he cast his final spell."
Mom, can we leave now?
- Oh, almost done.
- Shh!
My B, my B. Allies should
be seen, not heard. Yeah.
MS. INEZ: And...
ALL: "Al-la-ka-zip-ya-lip!"
[FINGERS SNAPPING, LAUGHTER]
The end.
[APPLAUSE]
