Ava: [Gasps] I just saw a ghost, y'all!
Melissa: Why are we doing this?
Ava: It was a ghost. I came around the corner, he was sitting right there. I'm thinking he's like a Victorian era- Oh, my God, they're multiplying!
Todd: Uh, hi. We're looking for Principal Coleman. It's our son Charlie's first day. We enrolled via the district website.
Ava: Please tell me you guys see them, too.
Melissa: Ava.
Ava: You know what? Let me go get my proton pack.
Gregory: Hey, hey, stop.
Janine: Stop.
(to camera) So, they're building a big-time PGA golf course about ten blocks away from here in the Girard Creek area. It's allegedly good for the city, and people are into it. And, um, new people are moving to Philly... West Philly... just to play there. So... And while Tiger Woods is a notable golfer, the demographic of most golfers is mainly, um...
Todd: We're so excited to be here.
Amanda: Yeah, we were recommended we go private from, gosh, nearly every person and website we know, but we were like, "Hey, public all the way!" So...
Melissa: Well, it's great to have you. This is new.
Barbara: Yeah. First time in all my years.
Jacob: Well, thrilled to meet you. And, uh, just because it's nice to have a new student, and no other reasons.
Janine: Okay, and I'm Ms. Teagues. I believe I'm your teacher, Charlie. Welcome. And it's so nice to meet you both.
Ava: And I'm Principal Coleman, the one you were looking for. Totally remember you enrolling the little and very real Charlie. And we are incredibly pleased to have you and welcome you to the rich, diverse tapestry of Abbott Elementary. You'll fit right in.
Mr. Johnson: Are we being audited?
[Maker's "Hold'em" playing]
♪♪
Janine: Come on in.
Gregory: Hello, Ms. Teagues.
Janine: Oh. Hello, Mr. Eddie. Hope your day's going well.
Gregory: It is. Thank you for asking.
Janine: Mm.
Gregory: And I hope your day is going well, as well.
Janine: It is. Thank you.
(to camera) So, Gregory and I did try out a relationship for a little bit, but in the end, it just didn't work out. So, now, we are back to being friends. Just kidding!
Gregory: (to camera) Ha, ha! We got y'all!
Janine: (to camera) [Giggling] Yeah. So we're, um...
Gregory: (to camera) W-We're dating.
Janine: (to camera) We're dating, yeah.
Gregory: (to camera) After the party that night, we started dating.
Yeah. And it's been going really, really well.
Gregory: (to camera) Right, and I'm happy. I would tell everyone, but Janine so intelligently pointed out that we should keep our work and personal lives separate. And I have to agree with that.
Janine: (to camera) Yeah, yeah. And on top of that, we just get to have fun and let our relationship be just us, you know?
Gregory: (to camera) Mm-hmm.
Janine: (to camera) So, aside from Jacob, nobody knows.
Gregory: (to camera) Nobody.
Ava, Barbara, and Melissa: (to camera) We all know.
Barbara: (to camera) It's just beyond obvious.
Ava: (to camera) I don't even know how their dumb asses think they hidin' it. They stay in each other's faces.
Melissa: (to camera) Dumbasses.
Barbara: (to camera) But we're gonna let them have their space because, clearly, they need it.
Melissa: (to camera) Honestly, I don't care that much. I got bills, you know?
Ava: (to camera) I know that's right. If anything, it's an insult to our intelligence. We know what two people look like when they hunchin' hard. We're not dumb.
Barbara and Melissa: (to camera) Mnh-mnh.
Barbara: Alright class, we're going to unfold our paper, and we have a beautiful...
Barbara's Students: Butterfly!
Barbara: Yes! Specifically, an orange sulfur butterfly, which is native to Pennsylvania! Can't find that in Jersey, now, can you?
Barbara's Students: No!
Barbara: What in the world?
Melissa: Hey, Barb, is your water pressure low? Some kid just sneezed God knows what in my hand, and I got no water going on.
Barbara: Me too.
Melissa: Ugh!
Barbara: Ava?
Melissa: Oh!
Barbara: Ava? Ava! What is going on? The water pressure is lower than Gerald's iron.
Ava: Now, who the hell is Gerald? Look, it's the new golf course. They broke a water pipe. There's nothing we can do about it.
Barbara: I'm just about fed up with this golf course construction.
Melissa: Mm-hmm.
Barbara: Just blocking up traffic, making it difficult to get in here in the mornings, and the noise all day long!
Melissa: And I've noticed an uptick in the rodents and bugs. That's construction, too.
Barbara: Mm!
Mr. Johnson: I killed thirty roaches this morning. Oh.
Melissa: Hey!
Mr. Johnson: Thirty-one. This has to stop.
Ava: Look, I gotta listen to y'all complain all damn day. "We want books. We want paper towels in the classroom." Bet you want raises, too.
Melissa: Yeah, I like money.
Barbara: I'm still waiting on the paper towels.
Ava: This project is backed by the city, so there's nothing I can do. And don't forget- back-to-school staff meeting tomorrow. Have your presentations ready with your proposed yearly goals.
Melissa: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Hey!
Mr. Johnson: Thirty-two.
Barbara: Must you kill these living creatures so forcefully?
Mr. Johnson: I didn't get that one. It's headed to you.
[Barbara and Melissa scream]
Barbara: Die! Die!
Melissa: [Screams] [High-pitched voice] Aah!
Gregory: Going to do my presentation on the benefits of plants in each classroom. Try to get people on board for that.
Janine: That is so amazing. I mean, it's- it's very thoughtful.
Gregory: I mean, it's no school-wide field trip to the Baltimore Aquarium, like your presentation.
Jaden: Principal Coleman, you have a second?
Aaliyah: We're fact-checking for our podcast club. Yeah, we reported that Mr. Hill can't read, which turned out to be-
Jacob: Not true!
Jaden: Why are you always asking us to read out loud, then?
Ava: What are you fact-checking now?
Aaliyah: Are Ms. Teagues and Mr. Eddie dating?
Jacob: Uh, why not report on something a little more exciting? Like- Like the weather, okay? It does often change.
Ava: In fact, there's more to this Mr. C story. Like how he's always listening to audiobooks.
(to camera) I was letting Janine and Gregory have their fun, but if the kids even know about them... Look, from my summer at principal school, I learned that I'll get in trouble if they get in trouble. So I got to take action. Which is my least favorite thing to take.
Janine: Pizza here.
Gregory: I like the way you pass that pizza.
Janine: I like the way you hand out milk boxes.
Gregory: That's for you. There you go. And you.
Janine: Um, you know what? Maybe we wanna be more careful, because people might be watching, and we don't want people to get the wrong idea.
Gregory: Maybe, instead of always looking over our shoulders...
Janine: Our very broad shoulders. [Chuckles]
Gregory: We should just tell our co-workers.
Janine: Well, yeah, but, you know, we don't want everyone in our business of, like, what we are. And we can't forget HR. I mean, that's very intense.
Gregory: Yeah, I was thinking about that. HR is only an issue if somebody reports us, and HR hasn't been to this school since... ever.
Ava: (over intercom) Attention Abbott staff. Tomorrow, an HR representative from the district will be here for the day. He'll be available to all staff members if they feel the need to make any complaints or inquire about benefits or report anything... anything at all.
Mr. Johnson: Mm, mm, mm. I know what that's about.
Janine: You do? [Chuckles]
Mr. Johnson: Of course I do.
Gregory: Um...
Mr. Johnson: You've seen the way Melissa hits on me. She's always, "Mr. Johnson, my trash is filled. Mr. Johnson, can you please take out my trash? Mr. Johnson, this is your whole job." Flirting her little ass off!
Janine: Oh.
Gregory: Okay.
Mr. Johnson: She's going down.
Janine: Get her! [Chuckles]
Barbara: Jacob! I am not letting you microwave your beans with my tea.
Jacob: Barbara, please. We are running out of time before class starts.
Barbara: It is not my fault road closures allowed traffic to back up. Now, please, move your beans. Thank you.
Melissa: I'll tell you what. If that golf course was a person and I wasn't a fully law-abiding citizen, they'd be sinking to the bottom of the Schuylkill River right about now.
Mr. Morton: My Bunsen burners aren't working. Who shut off the gas?
Melissa: Are you cooking eggs in your classroom?
Mr. Morton: You needn't worry about matters concerning the breakfast sciences. Now, who did it?
Ava: The construction workers turned off the gas to the entire grid.
Mr. Morton: Aw.
Ava: Nothing I can do about it. Write a letter to the city.
Jacob: I don't know what's more vile- this golf course or Morton.
Ava: Here are the pains in my asses.
Warren: I'm sorry. The what?
Ava: Everyone, as promised, HR is here today. This is Warren. So if anyone has anything they want to file, just raise your hand. Not about me. About other things.
Jacob: Well...
Barbara: Oh!
Melissa: And we're out of time.
Barbara: And... yours. Excuse me. Excuse me.
Janine: Good morning, Daniel. Hey, how about Italian for dinner tonight? LaScala's?
Gregory: We're gonna be nice to our desk mates today, yeah, Yasmine? I'm good with that, as long as they got buttered noodles.
Janine: I'd never take you anywhere without buttered noodles. Come on in.
Gregory: Yeah, it's nice talking to you while looking at you. Which reminds me, when do you want to talk with/confess that we're dating to HR? I have fifth period free.
Janine: Oh, yeah, um... How about, like, later? Like, after the back-to-school presentations? Okay?
Gregory: Uh, actually... [Clears throat]
Ava: Good morning, Ms. Teagues. Good morning, Mr. Eddie. You remember Warren, right, Janine? HR at the district.
Janine: Mm-hmm.
Warren: Janine, it's so good to see you, after wasting our time at the district. [Chuckles] I told Superintendent Reynolds I knew you didn't have what it takes to be a district diva.
Janine: It is good to see you again, Warren.
Ava: Anything you want to make Warren aware of, you can. Anything at all.
Gregory: Well, um, we-
Janine: Well, we got nothing. Uh, except it is so good to see you, really.
Gregory: Um, yeah, nothing to report.
Ava: Well, he'll be here all day, if your memories happen to get jogged.
Janine: Phew!
Gregory: Um, hey, real quick. Everything good? We could have at least tee'd it up.
Janine: Yeah, no, everything is fine. It's just, um, you know, like we said, later today. We don't want to drop life-changing information before class even starts, right? [Chuckles] So... Have a good morning, Mr. Eddie. Hey, good morning. How you doing?
Janine's Students: Good morning, Ms. Teagues.
Janine: Good morning, y'all.
[Students chattering]
Toothless Kid: My tooth fell out in the nugget!
Melissa: Oh!
Barbara: Oh!
Jacob: Wow, you used a lot of ketchup there. Oh, blood. That is blood.
Melissa: These are frozen. Have some pudding, hon.
Jacob: What? Shanae! These nuggets are cold and hard!
Shanae: Thank you, Philadelphia Inquirer. You don't think I know? The gas still isn't back on. We heated them the best we could. We had to serve something.
Barbara: Ooh, I have had it up to
heaven with this golf course! We cannot live like this the rest of the year.
Melissa: You know what? I'm gonna do a little sniffing around. Although, I don't really
have the same connections I used to have in this city, which I guess, in a way, is a sign of progress.
Barbara: Oh.
Jacob: How'd the conversation go with the HR guy?
Gregory: Didn't go. It's Janine. Has she said anything to you? Is she like, not that into this relationship?
Jacob: Mnh-mnh. No. She's definitely deeply in like with you. And I know you all aren't ready to say it yet, but I love you both, you know. [Clears throat]
Janine: Uh, hey, um, I cannot find my presentation anywhere. I must have forgotten it at home.
Jacob: Can't you just print out another one?
Janine: No, that one has my notes, you know? That's how I know when to be angry, when to be jovial, when to pause for a laugh. See? So, anyway, I don't have time to go home before the presentations. This is going to be bad.
Gregory: Um, well, I have a free period when my kids are at gym. I could run to your place, grab it, and head back.
Janine: You're just the best. Okay, here are my house keys. You know how to get in.
Jacob: Seems pretty into you. You have a little, um...
Gregory: Oh.
Jacob: Here, you want me to get it?
Gregory: No, don't.
Jacob: Okay.
[Indistinct conversations]
Melissa: Guys, guys. Non-union workers.
Barbara: What?
Melissa: The golf course. They're using scabs. My cousin Tommy, he does construction with the Local 955, and they haven't been called. They're cutting corners. One word to the city, and this course is dunzo.
Barbara: Ooh.
Melissa: Or, we can get my cousin to kill all their pets. I'mma leave it up to you.
Barbara: Call the city, Jesus!
Melissa: All right. Easy. This is why I gave you options.
Ava: Thank you all for joining this mandatory meeting, "2024 School Year Goals." First up, Barbara Howard, on teaching new math.
[Applause]
Barbara: Thank you. Esteemed colleagues, I've decided to go in a different direction. Math hasn't changed, but what has changed, however, is the viscosity of child and adolescent rheum.
[Staff murmuring]
Barbara: Boogers!
[Staff "Ohh"s]
Barbara: Now, I know it might seem weird, but the consistency is changing, and it is alarming.
Jacob: [Whispering] Where's Gregory?
Janine: He just texted and said he's in traffic because of road closures.
Jacob: Damn golf course!
Janine: Jacob, I don't know my presentation, okay? If I don't do my presentation, the kids don't go to the aquarium. If the kids don't go to the aquarium, they fail the SATs.
Jacob: [Normal voice] Just breathe. Barbara's still talking boogers. You got time.
Barbara: In conclusion...
Janine: Damn it.
Barbara: I'm suggesting that we get our milk tested and our glue tested too.
[Applause]
Ava: Thank you, Barb. Janine, your turn.
Janine: What?
Ava: Come on, pipsqueak. Let's get this over with.
Janine: Hmm. Okay. Alright. Let's give it up for Barb, right?
Melissa: We did that already.
Janine: Yeah, yeah. Give it up for Barb.
[Scattered applause]
Janine: Alright. Hey, give it up for yourselves.
Melissa: Janine!
Janine: Okay, okay, okay. So, uh, my school-year goal for 2024 is to take us all to a field trip to the Baltimore Aquarium.
[Staff exclaim, scattered applause]
Melissa: Hey!
Janine: Yes, yes. But before I get into it, I think we should ask ourselves... What is an aquarium, really, when you think about it? And who's really in the tank? Is it the fish, or is it us? Oh, thank God. Hey.
Gregory: It was in your kitchen. Set. The Playskool one...
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: In your classroom for the kids.
Janine: Yes, yes.
Melissa: Why are you all sweaty?
[Staff murmurs]
Janine: Uh, because I keep the temperature in my classroom very warm, to sweat.
Gregory: Mm-hmm.
Mr. Johnson: You better turn it down!
Janine: I will.
Barbara: Whose keys are you holding?
Gregory: Mine.
Barbara: So those keychains are your keychains?
Melissa: You like Cinderella?
[Staff "Ooh"s]
Gregory: I like what she represents.
Melissa: How about that one that says J-A-N-I-N-E?
Ava: Yeah, Gregory. Probably best for you and anyone else involved if you tell all of us why.
Warren: Hmm.
Janine: [Sighs] What? Gregory! Oh, my God, you must have grabbed my house keys when I left them in the teachers' lounge, so-
Gregory: And that would be why my car didn't start.
Janine: Yes.
Barbara: Why'd you go to your car?
Jacob: Yeah.
Janine: Jacob! Um, he went to his car because he left his keys in there.
Mr. Morton: So how did he get in his car?
Janine: Shut up.
Mr. Johnson: Give it up. I saw you two leave the other day in the same car.
[Staff "Ooh"s]
Janine: Well, y-you know, I- He was giving me a lift.
Gregory: Mm-hmm.
Janine: That's all.
Mr. JohnsonThen you came back the next day together.
Janine: Well, that's because I-I saw him walking and picked him up.
Mr. Johnson: Then why did I see him take a duffel bag out of your trunk?
Gregory: Okay. I take duffel bags with me everywhere all the time.
Mr. Johnson: Of course you do. Because everyone here knows that you two... use the duffel bags to carry around the drugs you're selling. 'Cause you're selling dr*gs!
Warren: Doing what?!
[Staff murmuring]
Janine: No, no, no! We are not selling drugs. We're having sex.
Jacob: Yes!
[Staff exclaiming]
Mr. Johnson: This is worse than I thought. What people won't do for money. Mm, mm, mm.
Staff Member: Lord have mercy.
Janine: Thanks.
Staff Member: This is a damn shame.
Janine: Maybe they didn't catch on.
Gregory: No, no, cat's out the bag.
Janine: Right. But what if we coax the cat back into the bag? Because we can call another meeting and tell everyone that it was a prank, right?
Gregory: Janine, I-I've been trying not to worry, but... should I be worried? Are you not... into this, or...?
Janine: Gregory, are you crazy? Of course I'm into it. What?
Gregory: Well, then, what's going on? I mean, I get wanting to keep people out of our business, which we can do, but I think everyone's rooting for us. And I'm not afraid of HR, if that's what the-
Janine: But maybe I am. [Sighs] Look. Okay. The last time I made something "official"... it didn't work out. And I... I really, really, really, really want this to work out. So, I guess I'm a little scared. [Exhales deeply]
Gregory: But we're not your last time. We're this time. Hey.
Janine: Oh, yeah. [Exhales sharply] Let's tell the freaking world. I'm ready. [Laughs]
Gregory: Okay.
Janine: Okay?
Gregory: Well, you just did...
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: When you told everybody that we had sex.
Janine: Right.
Gregory: Yeah.
Janine: They know.
Gregory: But, um, yeah. Let's make it official.
Janine: Let's make it official.
Gregory: Let's make it official.
Janine: Okay.
Gregory: Right, but, okay. Real quick- This time, let's keep the sex part out.
Janine: Just take the sex out. Don't need to say that.
Gregory: We don't need it. We don't need it.
Janine: Don't say sex. Don't say sex, don't say sex, don't say sex, don't say sex.
Gregory: You could stop saying it right now. You're saying sex walking into a school.
Janine: Yeah.
Gregory: Not the best- You know?
Melissa: So he checked me out, but he took like a half hour.
Barbara: Would you please just sign out?
Miles: Hi, there. I'm Miles Nathaniel.
Melissa: What are you, a Mormon? Look at this guy. Yeah. We're not interested. Get lost, pal.
Barbara: Yes, I'm saved. Thank you very much. And God bless you.
Miles: Oh, no. I'm an attorney with the fine folks over at Girard Creek Golf Club. I was just perusing the neighborhood. Thought I'd pop in and say hi, seeing as how we're going to be neighbors.
Jacob: Oh, I know what this is about. We call the city, and now you want to dance, pretty boy? And I mean that as a compliment. Your skin is fantastic. You must be so rich.
Melissa: Yeah. So you heard that we heard that you're over there using non-union workers, and now you want to do damage control.
Barbara: Your little construction project has put quite a strain on our lives. We got a white child now. You want to get his parents involved?
Miles: Well, first of all, allow me to apologize for any inconveniences we may have caused. That's the opposite of what we intend to do for our community. We really believe the golf course can add a lot of value here.
Barbara: And what value would that be?
Miles: Well, property value, for one thing. That will go up, way up. So, if you're a homeowner, perhaps one who's looking to sell and retire to, say, a-a tropical island...
Barbara: Or Arizona. I'm- I'm partial to the desert myself.
Melissa: Yeah, well, that's gonna feel real good to the union workers not getting paid.
Miles: Please, uh, forgive us for that oversight. We're amending that as we speak. We will be fully unionized by Monday. We would be unionized by Saturday, but, you know, unions. Uh, look, I know how hard it can be to work with the city, so if you have any future problems... Oh. What's that?
Melissa: That's a five hundred dollar gift card.
Miles: Mm.
Melissa: I would have settled for two-fifty, but this is classy. Barb, you can have half.
Barbara: Mm.
Jacob: But what about me? No, we are not on your team, okay? Golf doesn't even have teams.
Miles: Sorry to interrupt. I-I just remembered, we have fifteen new computers that we're looking to donate. Do you guys know anywhere that could use them?
Jacob: Well, we could- we could use- No, wait.
Miles: You know what? Let's make it twenty. I think I saw a few extra lying around the office. Look, the golf course is going to happen no matter what. It can happen with computers or without them.
Barbara: Go ahead and shake the man's hand, Jacob, and recognize a blessing when you see one.
Melissa: Unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh, unh-unh. How about twenty-five computers and you quit messing with the water?
Miles: Can't promise that, but... I can throw in an ergonomic chair or two.
Ava: Oh! What y'all doing out there?
Melissa: Taking bribes.
Ava: Alright. Just don't let Warren see. And get me something, too. Proud of y'all.
Ava: So you're saying I can't sell the jewelry that the kids make on Etsy?
Warren: No, I'm saying it's illegal. Child labor laws.
Ava: But is it really work if they love what they do? Oh. Please have a seat.
Janine: Okay, um, I guess I'll just jump right in. So, it all started when Gregory first got to the school and I gave him a tour. Um, I thought, "This is somebody I could get to know." And then I thought, "Maybe a friendship with this guy." And then I thought, "He's kind of cute, but he's my colleague." So, you know, at this point, you would think I would go forward in the story, but I actually probably need to go back a few years, um, to eleventh grade, when I finally hit puberty.
Warren: Hm! What is your relationship status?
Janine: Uh... He's my boyfriend.
Gregory: And she's my girlfriend.
Warren: Great. All done.
Gregory: That's it?
Ava: That's it.
Warren: I mean, there's no power imbalance here, so it's super easy. I just needed to record it. [Chuckles] Good luck to the both of you. Hopefully she doesn't leave you like she left the district. [Chuckles]
Gregory: Uh-huh.
Ava: I'm happy for y'all. Truly. I just wanted you guys to be smart about this. But, now you're both safe, and more importantly, so am I.
Gregory: Thank you, Ava.
Janine: Thanks, Ava.
Ava: You're welcome. Gregory... our situationship is over.
Gregory: Why-
Janine: Just let her have it. Yeah. Okay. [Whispers] Let's go.
Jacob: So, in conclusion, and as you can clearly see, he's a scumbag.
Mr. Morton: That has to be an HR violation.
Jacob: Well, there's worse things I could call you, buddy.
Warren: You two just need to grow up. You can leave now.
Ava: Next.
Melissa: Okay. I don't even know why I'm here.
Mr. Johnson: Oh, she knows why we're here. This is an open-and-shut case.
Melissa: These are all the takeout menus I gave you.
Mr. Johnson: Uh-huh. And those were suggestions that we should go out to dinner. [Scoffs] I can read between the lines. You're sick.
Ava: Write that down.
Warren: Yeah, on it.
